Walking in the shadows
by dogbertcarroll
Summary: Xander's road trip takes him much farther then he ever dreamed possible.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: If it makes money, I don't own it!**

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**Shadowed Path **

Xander grinned wildly, as he blew past the 'Welcome to Sunnydale' sign, in a dark green, '74 Chevy Nova, convertible, heading out for the open road.

He'd been dreaming of this trip for years. He was going to drive, while Willow navigated, and Jessie kept his eyes pealed for scantily dressed hitchhikers. They had all planned it out long ago, but Jessie had died and his Willow was… not so much **his** Willow anymore, but he was still Xander and he was damn sure going to see all the sights the three of them had dreamed of since they were kids.

He wasn't really all that surprised when a figure materialized in the passenger seat. He knew he'd been much too happy within city limits and something was going to happen to correct that. Hellmouth Karma really sucked.

"If you're going to ride along with me, you're going to have to split the cost of gas." He quipped absently, as he ran a quick mental check on what weapons he could actually reach, without stopping the car, and coming up empty.

He risked a quick glance at his uninvited passenger. 'Ram's horns, red eyes, bluish warty skin. Demonic trendy. Check. Fashionable red and yellow robe with silver amulet. No clue, but he seems strangely familiar.'

The horned figure chuckled. "Fearless, I like that. I don't, however, like what's going to happen to one of mine if your life continues the way the 'Powers That Be' have scripted it to." He made little air quotes with his hands, showing some rather nasty looking claws, but making no overtly hostile moves.

"Powers That Be? Scripted?" The dark haired teen relaxed minutely, as he realized that evisceration didn't seem to be on the menu just yet.

"Yes to both. The 'Powers That Be' is the current title of a bunch of cosmic busybodies that claim to be the 'forces of light', but show far less concern for those fighting on their side then they do for a number of your enemies. They make long term plans for 'The good of humanity', but show no concern for any of the humans involved. If they had a motto it'd probably be 'Think of the children'." The demon finished with a wince.

The demon seemed to have an affection for air quotes, Xander noted, as he matched the wince and raised him a groan. "So, basically they plan on bending us all over, with no lube no less?"

The demon nodded. "Exactly, and their plan for you is worse then just no lube, it's more along the lines of, no lube and a cellmate named Bubba. You have noticed the increase of entropy in your personal life, haven't you?"

"Entropy? You mean like things breaking down?"

"In a way. Think of it more as 'things' dropping down to a lower energy state. All the good things you do are forgotten and your relationships with others dropping from love to like to tolerate. Surely you've noticed the number of times you've been made a… butt monkey and the slowly creeping disdain in your personal life?"

"Yeah…" the Zeppo trailed off, his thoughts heading down dark paths.

"That is their work. Think of all the time and effort they put into screwing you over. They spent more time screwing with you then they did preparing Buffy to fight the 'big bads'. Let's just look at the Willow situation for instance. Oz just happens to score high enough on a career placement exam to end up interviewed by some nameless suits along with Willow."

Xander shrugged. "He said he tested well."

"I hardly see how questions about whether you like shrubs or forestry would mark someone as a computer genius. There was absolutely nothing in that test that would score intelligence, only interests and it was pretty much useless at that too."

"Damn!" Xander cursed himself, unable to believe he'd missed that.

"The whole Terakan assassins deal was a setup. Oz saving Willow and getting a minor flesh wound. You've taken far worse saving her before and no one's ever made a big deal out of it. So suddenly she has a 'cool' upperclassman sniffing after her, who is 'just as good at computers' and 'saved her'. Do you ever recall him so much as touching a computer?"

Xander opened his mouth to respond, but the demon wasn't finished yet and was probably going to do even more air quotes if Xander was any judge.

"And let's not forget you and a girl, whom you had a perfectly satisfactory hate-hate relationship with, suddenly playing tonsil hockey instead of killing each other when trapped in a locked room together. Doesn't it seem a bit suspicious that a legendary assassin was completely unable to break through a flimsy basement door?"

Xander growled as he realized the truth of the demon's words. "I can't believe I missed all that."

"Lets not forget the _piece de la resistance_!" The demon stabbed the air with his finger.

"What?"

"Getting kidnapped by Spike and 'The Fluke' suddenly becoming solely your fault, as if Willow had no will of her own and was simply an innocent bystander."

"I really could have done without that, that's for damn sure." A now dispirited Xander muttered.

"Let me toss you out a little factoid that will make you feel significantly better about your part in all of that. Did you know that hyenas are mystically the exact opposite of wolves?"

"What does that have to do with anything?"

The demon grinned. "Who do you know that would be shallow enough to buy a wolfbane based perfume, if she found out that one of her 'friends' was a werewolf?"

"Cordelia." Xander said, trying to figure out how this all fit together.

"And if wolfbane magically repelled werewolves, what would it do to the exact opposite of one?"

"Attract." Xander offered tentatively, _really_ hoping he was wrong.

"Exactly. So, Miss Chase's perfume is suddenly a Xander specific aphrodisiac, causing you to start seeing her in a more favorable light and giving you urges you would have sworn were unholy before."

"Well, that covers my attraction to her, but why would she be attracted to me?"

"Several reasons;" the demon announced, "it'd really piss her parents off, which is a prime motivator for any teenage girl, natural curiosity, after all you are unlike any guy she had ever dated before, **you** are a hero. You saved her life and those of her friends, several times, despite not liking them, because it was the right thing to do, so you really can't reject the title. Naturally she'd find herself attracted to you. The fact that she was the queen of Sunnydale High just cemented things."

Xander was about to ask what her being the queen of the high school had to do with anything, but the demon jumped right back in before he could.

"Now, let me ask you this, if the hyena chose you based on your personality traits, then why would it turn you into a brainless sociopath that would try and harm your pack? They may be mystical opposites, but their social patterns are nearly identical to wolves, and to a certain mammalian species sitting not too far from me right now."

"I always heard that hyenas were merciless predators who preyed on any hint of weakness in their own kind as well as prey." Xander remarked skeptically

The demon sighed and shook his head. "Sure, and lemmings jump off cliffs."

"They don't?"

"You really need to stop relying on Disney for all your nature facts or you're going to end up mauled, trying to feed Yogi and BooBoo a picnic basket."

"That's Hanna Barbara, not Disney."

"Not my point. Disney originally did nature films as well as cartoons and they encouraged naturalists to find interesting ways to interpret the facts. Lemmings do not, in fact, throw themselves off cliffs. The cameraman played with the angles and came up with a great story about a suicidal species. They never jump off anything higher then they can land safely from. If they all acted like they appeared to in that film, there would be no next generation, but back to the hyenas. Hyenas are just like wolves with obvious differences due to the local environment. Wolves had a similar reputation until a few writers wrote stories about what they were really like."

"So I wasn't behaving like a hyena?"

"Not remotely. You and the others were behaving like the popular misconception of what hyena's act like. Your possession was altered to grab part of it from the popular consciousness rather then the actual totem. It set the groundwork for the entire Willow/Cordelia/Xander fiasco and allowed the 'PTB' to move ahead several other plans they had."

"What other plans?"

"By having you attempt to 'mate' with Buffy in such a forceful manner, which was perfectly understandable by the way, even if you had been behaving like you should've, that scene probably would have occurred, because she was definitely aroused by the hyena-you and you were still running on instincts and heightened senses. If you'd been possessed for a week or more before that event and given time to acclimatize, you'd have been a tad more subtle, although still pretty straightforward and she would've ripped your clothes off. The slayer spirit and the hyena totem are actually linked because of certain events in the past, but I'm wandering off topic again. The 'PTB' set events into motion the way they did so you would come on much too strong and completely alienate the slayer as well as driving a wedge between you and Willow."

"So they did all that to keep me from hooking up with Buffy or Willow?"

"That and arrange a couple of deaths and some other events to keep your group small."

"Principle Flutie died, but I don't think we killed anyone else." The teen muttered morosely.

The demon groaned. "They did kill only the one person and I'd appreciate it if you avoided needlessly angsting over his death. You were not responsible for his death. You weren't even there."

"They were my pack." Xander stated a bit wistfully.

"No, they were supposed to be your pack, but they were co-opted by the 'PTB'. If they had actually been your pack and behaved like the hyena's children were suppose to, no one would've died. Well… except for the pig, but no humans and they would've obeyed you. By altering things the way they did, the 'PTB' got rid of Flutie and scared Andrew and Jonathan away, otherwise you would have had a budding mage and techno-wizard flocking to your banner."

"Buffy's banner you mean." Xander said, with a trace of bitterness that he hadn't expected.

The demon chuckled. "I said **your** banner and I meant it. You named yourself King of the cretins, which in this case meant, all the 'geeks and dweebs'. Why do you think it was so easy to get the entire senior class to listen to you? All the downtrodden in the school, i.e. everyone but the teachers and the cliques trying to run the place, considered you their leader in some small part of their minds. If you had stepped up and acted the part they would have declared fealty to you. As it was, your actions declared you to be an uncrowned king in hiding, so only the 'common folk' actually obeyed you in anything but an emergency."

"I became king, just by declaring it? I think it takes a bit more then that."

"Not really. Just declaring yourself king in a public forum and having no one gainsay you is the first half of becoming a king, the second half is acting the part. Being related to royalty helps, but it's not compulsory. It'd probably be a bit more difficult away from a Hellmouth, but it **is** primarily a social position. Being on a Hellmouth just added some additional perks to the job."

"Perks? I didn't notice any perks. I'm pretty sure I was perk free."

"Well, for the most part, they weren't obvious ones. Your skin was kept free of blemishes, meaning pimples or rashes, despite your junk food diet."

Xander grinned, shedding some of his melancholy . "Very nice perk for a teen."

"Indeed. You'll also notice that you never got a cavity or had a tooth knocked out, not even when Angel almost broke your jaw."

"So, kingship comes with dental."

"Kings are thought of as having roguishly good looks, so while you were king it prevented disfigurement. It also gave you a bit of martial skills."

"I don't remember gaining any fighting skills. They would have come in handy and what do you mean, 'While I was king?'"

"You fought at the slayer's side against things that should have broken you easily, instead you only got bruised, most of the time and did you ever wonder how you spotted problems in battle so easily, with just enough time to throw yourself in harms way or why you kept so much of the soldier's skills, when everyone else lost anything they gained from their costumes? I won't even go into how morale improved for any group you were in, that was a rather obvious one. You have left high school, left it in about a thousand pieces in fact, so you are officially an ex-king now."

"You make some good points. I wondered how I'd managed to survive the ascension. I'd had a premo-thingy I was going to die. Hell, I'd even made out a will."

The demon chuckled. "Premonition and technically you did die, or rather, King Xander did. King Xander is dead in a metaphorical sense. You're just a commoner now."

"Damn, it was kinda good to be the king, looking back at it I mean."

"Yes, but back on topic. The 'Powers That Be' wanted you emotionally estranged from Buffy, so they could make sure she sex with the brooding corpse, so Angelous would kill Miss Kalderdash. With her dead it weakened your group by removing your one experienced practitioner and slowed down Willow's progress and prevented her from learning the spell that would have returned Amy to human form."

"That… blows." Xander growled, his knuckles turning white on the steering wheel.

"Yes, it does. The death of Flutie also allowed them to put Snyder in charge, which gave the mayor easier access to the school, making installing surveillance devices and keeping the pressure on your group much easier. He knew most of your moves before you made them and reduced your effectiveness by increasing your stress levels."

"Wheels within wheels."

"Yes, they think 10 moves ahead, such as slipping Willow a spellbook with an anti-lust spell that required wolfbane as a main ingredient and relied on making the caster feel so guilty that they would ignore the person they were lusting after."

"The Fluke?"

"Yes, the fluke. Of course what isn't mentioned is that the spell takes time to work. So, by casting the spell it attracted you, thanks to the wolfbane, and then it made her feel incredible amounts of guilt and the need to avoid you when it finally kicked in, all perfectly timed for the maximum amount of emotional damage."

"Shit."

"And they call us demons evil, well to be fair we are, but usually we're much more upfront about it."

Xander frowned. "So what exactly do you want from me? I can't exactly see a demon popping up and telling me, my life sucks and is only going to get worse, as a hobby. I mean, I already knew that."

The demon nodded. "I intend to help you. Not to benefit you, of course, but to benefit me."

"How is helping me going to help you?" Xander asked suspiciously.

The demon grinned widely, showing off numerous pointy teeth. "Because, my dear boy, by helping you I'm throwing a wrench into the plans of the 'PTB' and keeping one of my best people from falling into their hands."

"And you think I'm going to help you advance the opposing team's game plan?" Xander asked, his eyes searching for something solid to crash the car into. 'I may not be happy with the shit job I've been handed, but I'll be damned if I help the other side and that's a lot more literal then I feel comfortable with.'

The demon just chuckled as he watched the young man plot their death, knowing that the desert they were currently driving through held nothing but sand for the next 25 miles. "Not at all. By helping me you are actually advancing the 'light's' side. The 'Powers That Be' claim to be the side of light, but they aren't advancing the light's side. They are trying to keep things balanced. They work against you nearly as much as they work for you."

"Do you really expect me to believe that?"

"I am fully prepared to offer you a blood oath." The demon said, pulling out his trump card.

Xander stopped looking for places to crash and started looking for a place to pull over.

"You're serious?"

"Completely."

"You'd actually work against your own side?"

"My own, no. The rest of the 'forces of darkness', yes."

Xander noticed that the demon loved to make air quotes and found it a bit annoying, but as it was still better then getting eviscerated or forced to relive his high school years, decided to let it slide.

"I thought you were all on the same side?"

"Don't be silly, we're evil and evil, at heart, can best be described as selfishness. We fight against each other, nearly as much as we do against the forces of 'light'.

"So if the forces of light are working together and the forces of darkness are working against themselves, then why hasn't the light won yet?"

The demon grinned again, showing a lot more canine teeth then Xander felt comfortable around. "Because the light side isn't unified either. They work together far more often and certainly more successfully then the dark does, but we of the dark side of the equation, try to prevent that as much as possible. Besides, as I've already pointed out, the 'Powers That Be' are working on stalemating everything, not winning."

"Why the hell are they doing that?" Xander exclaimed, not noticing that the desert around them had somehow been replaces with cornfields.

"Because as soon as either side actually wins, both are called back and the mortal planes are forbidden to all but the neutral powers. It allows the various races a period of time to adjust and heal from the eternal war and it's my guess that the 'Powers That Be' like being in charge. If either side won then they wouldn't be in charge anymore and would have to start over from scratch when the grace period ends and the rules change to whatever the new rules would be." The demon shrugged, as if it were unimportant.

"But aren't they being selfish doing that and wouldn't that make them the dark side?"

The demon shrugged again. "Probably, but for them to join our side they'd have to redeem a number of villains…" his voice trailed off. "Janus' Beard! That's exactly what they are doing. They plan on redeeming enough evil beings to allow them to join the ranks of evil and win the game by default! That's why they've worked so hard on keeping your enemies alive and in the game. The entire balance claim is just a smokescreen and your relationship with Cordelia and it's break up, allowed them to drag my Anya into it."

Xander stared wide-eyed at the 'Welcome to Smallville' sign and muttered "Wheels within wheels."

"Exactly. It seems I've underestimated them. I thought they were only playing 10 moves ahead, but they're really playing 13. Thankfully I'm playing 15." The demon grinned evilly. He was a natural at it and it showed.

Xander just drove slowly down Main Street, staring wide-eyed at the scenery and slid into an empty parking space that the demon pointed out in front of an old movie theater that had been converted into a coffee shop called The Talon. "We're in Smallville."

"Yes, I wanted a non-fat latte and they blow Starbucks out of the water, besides I thought you'd get a better feel for the 'big picture' if I showed you exactly how big it truly was."

"We're in Smallville."

"Yes and before you ask, yes it's** that** Smallville and yes this is** that** Talon." The demon led Xander into the coffee shop, completely unconcerned about his demonic appearance.

A young woman with a brilliant smile and slightly Asian features greeted them as they slid into a booth. "Welcome to the Talon. Oooh, nice costume. What'll it be?"

The demon smiled. "Thanks. I'll have four… no, better make it six, non-fat lattes, large, with coconut sprinkles."

"And for you?" She turned her thousand watt smile in Xander's direction.

"We're in Smallville." Xander replied numbly.

"Is he ok?" The brunette asked, her smile fading slightly.

"He's just had a bit of a shock. Get him a large… no, make it 3 extra large, mocha frappuccinos, with whip crème and chocolate sprinkles."

The bell on the door chimed loudly, as three more familiar Smallville faces walked into the nearly empty coffee shop.

"Hey, Lana. I thought this place would be busier." The bald headed man said, a teasing glint in his eyes.

"Hey, Lex. It's always dead during the local football games. After the game it seems like half the town tries to cram themselves in here. I assume you're here to help." It wasn't a question.

Lex grinned. "Always. Running the counter beats the hell out of dealing with the bean counters at the plant."

"Clark?"

"I'll help… provided I'm given… proper incentive." The dark haired young man's leer was more comical then lecherous.

"Keep it down to under a dozen cups and you have a deal." Lana grinned at her friend's antics.

"Cool. I love caffeine!" Clark grinned and rubbed his hands together evilly, before taking off his Levi jacket and revealing a rock solid physique that a tight white t-shirt did little to hide, but was somehow overlooked by the local jocks and bullies who picked on him, despite not being half as well built.

"Cloe?"

The sandy blond girl patted her laptop, hanging on her side. "Let me put my latest story to bed first. Say… 15 minutes?"

"Sure. Thanks guys."

"We do this every game. Don't make such a big deal out of it." Lex said, as he slipped behind the counter and tied on an apron. It was a white frilly number that clashed rather badly with the young pimp… err businessman look he was going for.

Xander spoke up. "We're in Smallville."

Everyone turned to stare at him and his ram horned companion.

"Cool costume." Lex commented, preparing their order from the ticket Lana had just handed him.

Cloe just stared, her head cocked slightly to the side.

"Is he ok?" Clark asked, radiating concern.

The demon shrugged. "He's just been given a bit of a shock, on top of some rather distressing news. I'm hoping the caffeine breaks him out of it, otherwise I'll have to try slapping him."

"That's not a costume." Cloe declared, staring directly into the horned figures eyes. "The slitted pupils dilate just like a cat's when the light hits them and the skin moves much too naturally to be anything but real."

Lana and Lex stared at Cloe, trying to figure out what the joke was, before concentrating their attention back on the lounging demon, who twitched a pointed ear at them and grinned, showing off enough canine teeth for a pack of Dobermans.

Clark quickly moved in front of Lana. "What do you want?"

The demon shrugged. "Coffee."

They turned to Xander. "We're in Smallville?"

Everyone turned back to the demon.

The silence stretched for a long moment before the demon spoke again. "I'm paying cash, so it's not like I'm going to stiff you on the bill."

Cloe stared at the two intently. "It's impossible."

"No, I really do have local cash on me. You just can't rely on Visa in other dimensions."

"That's not Nicolas Brendon, is it?"

"No, that's Xander Harris."

"Then that would make you… D'Hoffryn."

"I can show you my American Express card if it'll help." The demon offered.

"Credit card jokes?" Cloe asked, looking a little frazzled.

The demon shrugged. "Well someone has to 'Make with the Quippage' and Xander is…"

"We're in Smallville." Xander stated firmly.

"Exactly." D'Hoffryn nodded, as if it explained everything.

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**AN: No beta. Send corrections via PM.**

**Reviews encourage me to write more!**


	2. Chapter 2

**De-aging Elvis or Losing a kingdom, but becoming The King**

"You know these two?" Lex asked Cloe, trying to figure out what was going on and what D'Hoffryn was.

The blond nodded absently. "Yeah, but they don't exist. They're fictional characters."

"I assure you, my money's quite real, as am I and my companion. If I'd remembered this was a reciprocal reality I'd have taken him elsewhere for coffee." The demon lied smoothly.

"Reciprocal reality?" Clark was a bit confused, but relaxed slightly as it looked like things weren't going to turn violent.

Cloe demonstrated the well honed intelligence and open mindedness that would make her an excellent reporter and a lousy girlfriend to lie to. "You mean we're a TV show in your world?"

Xander snapped out of his daze and demonstrated his own intelligence and well honed ability to state the obvious. "You mean we're a TV show here?"

Lex decided that things were peaceful enough to make a round of everyone's favorites and quickly joined them at the booth.

Cloe had slid in beside Xander, who was downing an extra large frappuccino like it was water.

Clark had sat next to D'Hoffryn, he wasn't sure what was going on, but he just didn't trust the horned figure for some reason.

Lana had plopped down next to Cloe, figuring that this mystery at least she would get answers for. Clark was always tangled up in some strange goings on and he never told her what happened and pawned off some rather lame explanations on her. If he wasn't such a good friend she'd have called him on them several times. 'Damn puppy dog eyes!'

Lex passed out the caffeine, saving his own triple strength cappuccino and sat next to Clark. This was much more interesting than the usual mysterious events going on in Smallville. For one thing, Cloe seemed to know what was going on and there didn't seem to be any secrecy involved in having a genuine, sentient, non-human, life form drinking a latte in the Talon.

Xander sat his now empty cup on the table with a sigh... and then Cloe hit him.

"Ow!" Xander rubbed his shoulder. "What the hell was that for?"

"Willow." She replied, having identified with the character rather strongly because of their shared traits early in the series.

He rolled his eyes and snorted. "Which time?"

"How about not noticing she was female and liked you for so damn long?"

"I noticed she was female, but how could you expect me to notice she liked me when she did her damnedest to hide it and only let it show when I wasn't looking?"

"Ok, point." She chewed her bottom lip in thought. "Fluke."

"Wolf's Bane." He stated, wondering if she'd catch what he'd missed.

"Hyena?" She ventured questioningly, figuring it was the only thing remotely connected to werewolves, with the exception of Oz, but that was too obvious a connection and made no sense in this context, of course she had no idea how this actually fit, but she'd probably get more info if he thought she already knew.

"Yep." Damn, she was good! "And even if we hadn't fluked, I still would have made love to her when Spike had us trapped."

"You had sex with Willow?" She paused briefly before asking another question, not giving him a chance to answer the first, now rhetorical, question. "Why?"

Xander shrugged. "We were trapped and pretty much facing certain death. I would have made love to any of my girls in that situation."

"So, sex doesn't mean anything to you?"

"Not as much as love does and I love every single one of them. If one of my girls is going to die and I can't do anything to stop it, then you can be damn sure I'll do my best to let them know how much I love them before we die."

"All of them?" Cloe asked skeptically.

"All of them." He confirmed, "Every single one of them is special to me."

"Dawn and Joyce?"

Dawn's a... way too young, but what does that matter if she's not going to get a chance to get older? I would have done anything she asked in that situation and I doubt she would have asked for more than a kiss. Do you even have to ask about Joyce?" He finished with a smirk.

"No, I can see what you mean. When the ship lifts off, all debts are paid."

Everyone had been watching the two speak, like they were old friends with their own mental shorthand, in almost complete confusion. The only one who had a clue was D'Hoffryn and he was enjoying his latte and not paying attention. Lex had a sneaking suspicion that they were deliberately excluding everyone else.

"The love spell?"

"I thought Cordelia deserved to have the tables turned on her. What she did to me was needlessly cruel and shallow. I know dating her was a mistake, but it really wasn't either of our faults. She had a wolf's bane based perfume made, not knowing how that would affect me. Since my part was more a chemically compelled attraction, that I wasn't aware of, the spell backfired rather spectacularly, but she really did deserve to feel what it was like on my end."

"Faith?" She asked, inwardly smirking at her reporter's instincts paying off as she connected the dots about the Wolf's Bane and Willow.

"Slayers aren't the only ones who get an itch after life and death situations, it's actually very common, plus... Hello, teenage male here. We were both single and she's a slayer. I respond to slayers on almost an instinctive level, not surprising considering, once again, teenage male here, beautiful sexy slayer there. Besides, anyone who risks their life night after night to save the world... I'd say they've earned whatever I can do for them."

"So you're easy?" Cloe grinned.

"To anyone I love and Slayers." Xander confirmed.

"Ms.French, Ampata, Drusilla..."

"I never slept with any on them." He protested.

"You wouldn't have had sex with them given the chance?" She asked skeptically.

"Ms.French would have eaten me afterwards and not in the good way and did you see her true form; Major Icksville."

"How about Ampata?"

"Tough call. She did sacrifice herself for the good of her people, the fact that it turned out to be futile doesn't make it any less noble. She was also cute and funny and an all around great person." Xander smiled nostalgically.

"If you ignore the life sucking bit, sure."

"To be fair, at least a couple of those times were in self defense and in the end she chose to die rather than kill me. It's really hard to top that last one, so I'm going to have to say... Yes, in a heartbeat."

"Dru?"

Xander's smile vanished. "Not in a million years. If the choice was Dru or death, I'd take death."

"Isn't that a little harsh?"

Xander shook his head. "I feel bad for her, after all she's gone through, but the kindest thing I could do for her would be to stake her."

"Not even the tiniest bit of attraction?"

"It's a demonically animated corpse. It may be attractive, but it's still a corpse."

"You must really hate Angel."

"Bingo! Two hundred plus year old dead guy, convincing underage girl to fuck a corpse."

"I thought it was just jealousy, but when you look at it that way..." Cloe shuddered.

"I may have been attracted to Buffy, but if Angel had made a move on any of my friends I would have reacted the same, if not worse."

"I never really thought of vampires as dead people."

"Demonically animated dead people. Meaning even if you can get over the whole 'corpse' thing, it's still a creature that considers you food and something to torture for fun."

"Point, game, match."

Lex broke in, "Can you explain something to me?"

"What?" Xander asked, noting that from the way everyone was acting they had to be early enough in the series for Lex to still be considered a good guy.

Lex shrugged. "At this point, anything will do."

Xander nodded, "Ok. I'm from a reality where your world is just a television show and in your reality my world is just a television show."

Lex exchanged glances with Lana, silently asking if she understood his explanation and got a quick headshake, showing she didn't get it either.

Clark spoke up. "I don't get it."

D'Hoffryn finished his second cup. "Universes are not only parallel, they are also askew, some very much so. Anything you can imagine is happening in some universe. Imagination and creativity are connections to the creator, so it should come as no surprise that anything you can imagine is a link to a piece of the creator's work. Hence, all fiction is fact elsewhere. In this reality, Xander's world is known as the TV show Buffy the Vampire Slayer and in his world, this reality is known as a show called Smallville."

"Wouldn't it be kind of dull?" Lana asked, thinking of her day to day life.

"They skip those parts. It's a once a week show and quite popular. Between Clark trying to hide his extra terrestrial origins and all the kryptonite spawned mutations he has to deal with, it's got enough action to satisfy the male viewers and the teenage angst and people not telling each other who they are attracted to, causes enough relationship problems to give it a soap opera feel and satisfy the female viewers."

"Extra terrestrial origins?!" all the native Smallvillians turned towards Clark for answers.

"Um." Clark was completely at a loss on how to deal with this. Usually you'd describe his look as deer-caught-in-the-headlights, but apparently one of his super powers was the ability to increase it to puppy-staring-at-approaching-steamroller.

"Oh yes. Clark is faster than a speeding bullet, able to leap tall buildings in a single bound and more powerful than a locomotive."

D'Hoffryn sipped his latte and enjoyed watching the alien foundling try and worm his way out of the situation.

"Can I plead the fifth?" The earnest and hopeful expression Clark wore was almost enough to convince them, but in the end they all shook their heads.

"If it helps, I'm not sure about the 'leaps tall buildings', because I'm afraid of heights and I've never measured my strength against a locomotive." He offered lamely.

"But you are an alien?" Lana asked.

"Yeah. I was found during the meteor shower and raised by my parents."

"So, you're adopted?" Cloe asked.

"Yeah."

"So, I did hit you with my car and yet you still saved me?" Lex asked.

"Yeah."

"You saved me during the tornado and let me think it was all my imagination?" Lana asked.

"Yeah."

"You once used your X-ray vision to look into the girls shower room?" Xander asked/stated feigning shock.

"Yea... No comment!"

"Clark!" The two girls yelled.

"What? It was an accident. I slipped and fell in gym because my head hurt and the next thing I know I'm looking into the girls locker room. It's not like I have a manual for these abilities and new ones keep showing up. Most guys just have to put up with getting erections while standing at the blackboard, I end up setting the blackboard on fire."

"When you get... aroused, things catch on fire?" Lana asked doubtfully.

"Not anymore, but for a couple of days it was a problem. I can control it now."

"You can control your hormones?" Cloe asked, exchanging skeptical looks with Lana. Demons and aliens they could buy, but a teenage male able to control his hormones, that was really stretching things.

"Well... no, but I can suppress the physical reactions, including my heat vision."

Lana and Cloe exchanged glances before they both turned to Clark and spoke at the same time. "You can keep yourself from getting hard?"

Clark began to resemble a bright red tomato, as he tugged at the collar of his shirt. "I kinda had to. I went through about a dozen pairs of pants in a week."

The girls and Lex looked confused and Clark looked like he was about to spontaneously combust, so Xander took pity on him and explained. "In the future he's known as The Man of Steel."

"He does porn?" Lex asked confused once more or possibly still confused and just hiding it better.

Xander almost shot frappuccino out his nose and even D'Hoffryn had to snicker at that comment.

"No. He's known as The Man of Steel, because his physical stats are in the godhood range. Bullets bounce off him and he can bench press a bank."

Xander let them wrap their minds around that for a minute, before expanding on his original explanation. "So, denim is pretty much like wet toilet paper to him. Now imagine getting a woody while wearing pants made out of wet toilet paper. Let me put it this way, do you remember the crazy glue commercial with the midget wearing a hard hat glued to the steel girder? Clark could stand in for the girder."

"Oh!" The girls eyes got wide and Xander was sure that if this was an anime they'd both have passed out with nosebleeds at this point.

Clark eeped and vanished, startling Lex who almost spilled his coffee.

"What the?! You mean this is all real and not a flashback caused by something I did while young and stupid?" Lex shook his head and held up a hand. "Ignore that. I know what's going on is real, it's much too elaborate for a practical joke, but it's just taking me a minute to adjust. It's not often someone turns reality on its side and says look, to me. Clark is an alien being of nearly godlike powers." Lex sipped his coffee as his mind worked on adapting to this new world he was living in.

Xander nodded. "Yep. Powerful enough to take over the world, but so moral that he won't peak into the girls locker room on purpose."

Lex's mind briefly worried about the threat potential to mankind of an alien as powerful as they described, but then he tried to add Clark to the equation and it all fizzled out. Clark made the pope look like Hitler... well, the current pope anyway.

Clark reappeared in his seat once more. "Sorry about that. I had to... powder my nose."

There was a round of snickers at that.

"So," Cloe asked. "Any other bombshells you want to drop on us?"

Xander grinned. It held more than a little Hyena in it. "Well, since you asked. Clark is in love with Lana. Cloe is in love with Clark. Lana eventually falls for Clark, but by then he's convinced his life is too dangerous to subject her to and she ends up completely pissed at him for many, many, many, years. Cloe eventually gets over Clark. Clark ends up in a very confusing relationship with Cloe's cousin Lois, who falls in love with Superman and Clark, but can't choose between them because she doesn't know they're the same person."

Clark, Cloe, and Lana stared at each other, speechless and embarrassed at being so exposed.

Lex spoke up. "And my love life?"

"You have many affairs with supermodel level hotties, most of whom don't try to stab you in the back."

"Excellent." Lex smirked.

"How is that excellent?" Clark asked, thinking that it sounded rather lonely.

"More sex, less drama. What more could a man ask for?"

"How about love and commitment?" Clark responded, causing Lana to look at him speculatively, as if she was measuring him for some formal wear.

Cloe sighed mournfully, seeing the writing on the wall and Xander reflexively hugged her at the sound.

D'Hoffryn stroked his chin as he watched Cloe and Xander, nodding in silent confirmation of something he'd been unsure of.

"Are things the rich can't afford, ironically enough. If I'm lucky I'll fall in love with the woman I marry, but I'll probably have to settle for being compatible and sharing the same or similar goals."

Clark looked like a kid someone had just told there was no such thing as Santa Clause.

Lex tried to explain, touched that Clark cared that much about his happiness. "Love requires a certain amount of trust and openness that, unfortunately, is pretty much trained out of us. A satisfying sex life is poor compensation for its loss, I've been told, but it is something. Besides, you can't miss what you've never had."

Clark looked like he was about to cry and the girls sniffed back their own tears.

"Oh, for Chaos' sake! Here, take it. " D'Hoffryn held out a black opal pendant to Lex.

"What is it?" The bald businessman asked, as he accepted the gift.

"It's a heart seeker. It'll lead anyone to their potential true loves and will turn white in their presence."

"Why would you have a heart seeker on you?" Cloe asked.

"So I could avoid finding true love of course."

"You want to avoid finding your true love?" Lana asked, the romantic in her crying foul.

"Yes, I do. I'm a demon of vengeance. Can you imagine what my true love would be like? I assure you, it's a situation I really should avoid. Not to mention a prophecy that I fully intend to render void, but that's rather personal and I don't plan on discussing it."

Lex quickly changed the subject. "So, what are you two doing here anyway?"

"I needed to broaden his horizons a bit, so he'd listen to me with an open mind when I made him an offer."

"Isn't making a deal with a demon always a bad thing?" Clark spoke up, having remembered a bit about the one Buffy episode Cloe had made him sit through.

Xander shook his head. "It's not that black and white, unfortunately. Back in Sunnydale we've had to make deals with demons to defeat greater demons before."

"But demons are evil!" Clark protested.

"It depends on the breed, actually and in some cases the individual demon. I myself as evil, but not as evil as you might think. Are you all familiar with role-playing games?"

Everyone but Lex nodded.

Finally caving under everyone's skeptical looks, Lex nodded and gave in. "Alright I may have played a few games, but I was under the influence of drugs, I swear!"

"Well according to game terms I would be considered Chaotic Evil with Neutral tendencies. In this particular case I'm working on spreading chaos not evil and Xander would be considered Chaotic Good with Weird tendencies."

"Hey!" Xander protested.

"You built a shrine to Hostess when you were 12 and have had carnal thoughts about Sara Lee. Angelus was correct in calling you a White Knight, but it'd refer more to cream filling then purity. You are probably the only individual in the whole of creation that qualifies as a Paladin of snack foods."

"I'm not that bad." The Twinkie aficionado protested weakly.

"Oh, really?" The demon snickered. "Well, since we are no longer on a Hellmouth, which tends to suppress such things, then you won't mind trying to cast a simple clerical spell like, Summon Food and Drink?"

"Me and magic are like milk and orange juice, a very bad combo."

"Mage spells maybe, but not clerical spells."

"Wait, D&D is real?" Lex demanded.

"It's not perfectly accurate, but it has the general idea for most things. The game was developed based on myths and legends using a logical framework to fit them together and a couple of people in the know may have had a hand in its construction."

"Oh."

"You're being awfully helpful for a chaotic evil character." Cloe pointed out.

"Of course I am." The demon confirmed. "I'm putting my best foot forward to try and get Xander to agree to something that'll benefit both of us and I can hardly do that by being evil, so I'm limiting myself to chaotic actions for the most part since it is a trait we both share. Despite its reputation, chaotic evil doesn't mean chaotic stupid. My actions will benefit good more than evil and chaos more than order and as I've mentioned my neutral tendencies, everything I've done is well within my stated alignment."

There was a lapse in conversation as everyone considered this.

"So chaos and order are more important than good and evil?" Lana questioned.

"To me, yes or I wouldn't have mentioned my neutral tendencies, but in the big picture all four of the forces: good, evil, order, and chaos are equally important. There are actually more forces involved, like hard work and slack, but I'm trying to keep things in a framework you're all familiar with, as I have little patience for explaining cosmetology."

"Makeup?" Lana frowned.

"No. The other one, the explaining the cosmos science." The demon explained a bit embarrassed that he couldn't remember the word for it.

"So what part do we play in this?" Cloe questioned.

"I'm showing Xander that good can benefit from chaos, but mainly I just wanted some caffeine and to see the look on Clark's face when his secret was revealed to his closest friends."

"Thanks." Clark muttered, showing that he did indeed know how to be sarcastic.

"It's all for the best, even if only Xander and I know the problems that have been nipped in the bud."

"You know our futures?" Cloe asked, wide eyed, as the possibility that the duo was seasons ahead of where they were just now occurring to her.

"Do I..." Lex trailed off as both the dimensional travelers winced.

"I become my father, don't I?" Lex's shoulders slumped as all the life seemed to drain out of him.

Xander nodded. "You become a businessman."

"And businessmen are evil?" Clark asked, a small frown of confusion on his face.

"The good ones are. The only truly honest profession..." The demon trailed off, waiting to see if anyone knew the answer.

"…is the oldest profession." Xander finished the old line.

"So a prostitute is more morally correct then a priest?" Clark asked, disbelief coloring his tone.

"Yep." Xander replied easily. "They never offer what they can't deliver. The first whorehouse in existence was also the first bank and temple."

D'Hoffryn looked at Xander with a bit of surprise and a hint of satisfaction.

"What? With all the love spell badness that's happened in Sunnydale you didn't think I would have done a little research and made the correct apologies to any deities that were offended? I spent two months working some pretty crummy jobs to afford the sheep and altar. Fortunately a brand new, freshly consecrated, George Foremen grill turned out to be the modern equivalent of an altar."

"I don't know if I can accept prostitution as being a healthy moral choice." Clark interrupted.

"I'm going to have to agree." Lex chimed in. "Even the really high class escort services seem to have an air of despair and sin."

"That's because they aren't doing it right. The prostitutes, both male and female, have to be doing it for the right reasons." Xander explained.

"What are the right reasons," Cloe asked, feeling like she had the edge of an answer but not the whole thing.

"Love." The demon stated bluntly.

"And not selfish love either. They have to do it because they want to share love with others. It's not about money or getting yours. It's about showing you care for another person in the most physical way possible, simply because they are a person and everyone deserves love." Xander smiled.

"You did more than just apologize, didn't you?" Cloe asked, staring into his deep brown eyes and beating D'Hoffryn asking by about half a second.

Xander nodded. "I agreed to encourage and spread love."

"You're a hooker?" Lana asked, following the gist of the conversation, but still a little fuzzy on the specifics.

Xander, D'Hoffryn, and Cloe broke up at that.

"I'm more the lay priest type, pardon the pun, I encourage and comfort. It's what I'm good at."

"Which explains how you ended up as a paladin of snack foods." D'Hoffryn nodded to himself as his suspicions were confirmed.

"I thought that was a joke." Clark said, as everyone including Xander nodded in agreement.

"No, I was being serious. I wasn't sure how he managed it, but taking into account his recent agreement with the various deities of Eros, it all fits together quite neatly."

"What does snack foods have to do with love?" Lex questioned. Clark looked quite curious about the answer as well.

Cloe rolled her eyes and Lana chuckled, before replying. "It's called comfort food for a reason."

The horned demon nodded. "Exactly. Xander has done some of his best work comforting his female friends with the right comfort foods and a willing ear."

"I'm a paladin," Xander questioned. "With the whole laying on of the hand deal?"

"More of a laying on of the hugs, but yes."

"I heal by hugging? I think I would have noticed that."

"Really? Cloe, how do you feel about Clark and Lana getting together?"

"I think they'd make a cute couple. Wait! Shouldn't I be feeling upset about that?"

"Not anymore. In line with Xander's new profession, instead of healing simple physical wounds, he heals the more difficult emotional ones. Normally you'd have taken a month or two of teen angst to get over it. Xander hugging you a minute ago simply speeded up the process."

"Hmmm. Paladin, a basic fighter with low level clerical spells and laying on of the hands abilities." Lex mused aloud, causing everyone to grin.

Lex realized what he'd said and groaned. "Ok, so I may have played a paladin a time or two."

"Indeed. However in this case change hands to hugs and martial abilities to marital abilities, he is a lover not a fighter after all, and you have Xander in a nutshell."

"No fighting?" Xander queried.

D'Hoffryn shrugged. "You can still fight if you wish, but all your hard earned fighting skills have been translated into fuc... ahem sex skills. So you'll have to train yourself up from scratch in the war department, but on the plus side, you'll be a Viking in the sack."


	3. Chapter 3

**Who's on Top?**

"But I worked hard on those skills!" Xander protested. "Sure I may have gotten a bit of a boost from the things I'd been through, but I did a lot of work on honing those skills, so I'd be able to help keep myself and my friends safe. There are a number of times that I'd have ended up worm fodder without them."

The Demon Lord was unsympathetic. "Well, the skills you have now are much harder to gain than the ones you've lost. You can train to regain what you unknowingly traded away and being a Viking in the sack is nothing to sneeze at."

Xander snorted. "I don't recall the Vikings being know as all that skilled, unless we're talking rape and pillage."

D'Hoffryn chuckled. "That's not quite what I meant. I meant you'd be a bedroom berserker. Berserkers were known for being able to fight tirelessly until the battle was done or they died. You will never need to worry about performance issues or leaving a woman unsatisfied, unless you suddenly develop a heart condition. You will continue until the battle is won and probably be ready to do it all over again in a couple of minutes if requested."

Xander opened and closed his mouth a few times without saying anything, as he considered things in a new light and forgot to engage the filter between his mouth and his brain before speaking aloud. "On the one hand I'm more likely to die, but on the other hand I never have to worry about being a bad lay."

"Sometimes... Death is better." Lex said, quoting an old Stephen King movie and receiving a round of nods from the guys at the table.

"You'd rather die than be bad in bed?" Cloe asked, with a raised eyebrow and a similar look of disbelief to the one Lana was sporting.

"Damn, Skippy!"

"Without a doubt."

"Unsatisfied demonic females are the leading cause of death for demon lords anyway."

"If 'faster than a speeding bullet' applies there as well, I'm taking a kryptonite bath."

Xander reassured Clark that none of his possible future girlfriends looked anything but smug and satisfied and brought up the 'Man of Steel, Woman of Kleenex' argument, which was quickly debunked by D'Hoffryn, who explained about Kryptonian's instinctive adaptability to their mates and how even partial Kryptonians needed exposure to direct sunlight before they'd manifest any special abilities.

The four males actually forgot about the two females at the table as they discussed techniques, both mental and physical, as well as cross species dating and the dangers involved. It wasn't until Clark mentioned a talk given by his father, about work ethics being just as important in a hayloft as the rest of the farm, that the girls broke out of their shocked stupor.

"Hold on a second! I dated... and several... and never showed the slightest bit of guilt!" Lana sputtered out.

Cloe nodded. "I went on two very unsatisfying dates and I don't recall them showing any hint of shame at a very... poor performance."

"You weren't dating guys than, you were probably dating jocks." Xander snarked.

"Just because they're good at sports they have to be bad in bed?" Cloe demanded, figuring jealousy was behind Xander's remarks, despite the fact that they were right on target, as she recalled his relationship with the jocks of Sunnydale.

"No, they give poor performances because they are continually told how great they are on the field, so they never bother to develop any horizontal 'game'. They are naturally good at whatever physical sport they practice and they assume it extends to all other physical activities, so if a girl isn't satisfied than it must be something wrong with her." Lex explained.

"By that reasoning, the Chess club President at school is the guy I should be dating if I want satisfaction." Lana complained.

"Sorry, Lana, but Chuck's out of your league. Debby Farnshare, Kansas' Miss America contestant has her hooks in him and she's not letting him go for anything. They hooked up at a fundraiser, where they both had a bit too much to drink and she went over to the Dork-side faster than you can say 'Where'd you get 20lbs of lemon Jello at this time of night.'" Clark said apologetically.

Xander nodded. "The bigger the ego, the worse they are in bed. It's a good rule of thumb."

The girls looked over at Lex.

Lex shrugged. "There are exceptions to every rule and, fortunately for me, I'm one of them. The only good thing my father ever did for me, was to hire some professionals to make sure I was able to 'Seal the deal' without any problems and insure future business."

D'Hoffryn interrupted the girls before they could ask about his personal trainers. "As much fun as this has been, we really need to get back to business before the PTBs notice. My offer will not replace your lost skills, however it will give you a larger power base to work from, which will compensate for the loss somewhat until you have time to retrain yourself, which should be much easier as well. What I am offering is to alter your genetics in such a way that they will not be noticed until you return from your road trip."

Xander's eyes lit up as he turned to Clark. "Can I borrow a pint?"

The alien farm boy looked at him with a confused expression."Huh?"

The demon lord smirked. "That would be a great joke on the PTBs, unfortunately they would notice and 'correct' things if I did that, it'd be extremely easy to trace and neutralize, after all, what is Clark's biggest weakness?"

Cloe nodded, having figured things out just as quickly as Xander had. "Meteor Rocks."

Lana chimed in. "Innocent people put in danger."

Lex added his two cents. "Aggressive females."

Xander groaned. "None of the above. His greatest weakness is something I deal with on a day to day basis, magic. Damn, and I was really looking forward to being able to flash fry vamps."

"Exactly. It's much too obvious and actually makes you more vulnerable to their manipulations. My plan is far more subtle and provides several layers of protection. I plan, with your agreement, to go back in time and inject all of your great-grandparents with these." D'Hoffryn set a small wooden case on the table and grinned widely as he opened it, revealing four rows of four small vials, filled with a softly glowing red fluid.

"What is it?" Xander asked, as he felt the slight tingle of power, letting him know that they were magicked up the wazoo.

"There is a place called Amber, which is the center of Order. This is blood from all sixteen princes and princesses of Amber. By going back in time and injecting your great-grandparents with these samples, it'll give them a set of recessive genes that will slide completely under the PTBs radar and the genes will stay recessive until you are born."

"So, what kind of changes are we talking about here?"

"The Amberites, as they are called, though identical in appearance are physically superior to a human in every way and are much more resistant to magic as well."

"So I'll be born as some kind of Lord of Order? Isn't that going to raise a bunch of flags and alter the timeline?"

"The timeline is always in flux to a certain degree so small changes will be taken as normal and I don't foresee any major changes occurring. As for being a Lord of Order, it's a bit more complicated than that. Due to my tinkering and the way the genes play out, you will have enough power to be considered royalty in Amber, to those that count such things, but as it comes from so many different lines you'll be further away from the throne than the castle's cook and it's how close you are to the throne that makes one a Lord of Order not personal power."

"How's beefing up my stats, since I was a baby, not going to change things?"

"Since Amberites are order based, the Hellmouth will suppress that heritage until you spend a few days away from its chaotic energies and since you've never left Sunnydale before now, the timeline won't undergo any major changes, because the powers and abilities won't manifest until you are away on your roadtrip. Thus we foil the PTBs plans and they are unable to find what caused the change and if they can't find the cause, they cannot remove it. They are only allowed a certain amount of leeway in shaping events and since everything they've done has been dependant on a merely human Xander Harris..."

"Then it'll throw all their future plans out of whack and make it harder for anything else they do try, to work. Any sideffects?"

"Chaotic beings, such as female demons, will be attracted to you and magic cast on you by others will tend to misfire... so no, nothing new there. Truthfully, I got the idea from the fact that you match what would have been side effects to anyone else. If we are going to do this, we really should do it before the PTBs notice."

"I think we have a deal then. Let's swear and bind it."

D'Hoffryn reached into his robe and pulled out a black dagger with a curvy blade and sliced his right palm open. "I swear that all I have said about the Amberites and their bloods' effect on Xander Harris is correct."

Xander took the blade from D'Hoffryn and made a matching cut on his own right palm. "I swear that, as his statement is true, I shall allow him to alter my heritage, as he has stated."

They clasped hands and were met with the sound of sizzling flesh and the smell of burnt blood, as Xander's form wavered like a bad TV signal and vanished, along with the wooden case.

Things got **loud**.

D'Hoffryn sipped his drink and waited for the natives to calm down from their frantic questions before speaking. "I linked the blood to the oaths. As soon as we swore, the blood was sent to the proper people at the proper time and since the changes have already been made in the past, there was no reason for me to meet and bring him here, which will hide the source of the changes from anyone watching him."

"Then how do we still remember him?" Clark demanded.

"You remember him because the change in his universe doesn't extend to this one. Changes in one universe's timestream does not leak over into others, even if some of the people involved do. I'd explain in more detail but..." He trailed off.

"But you have no patients with explaining the nature of the cosmos to lower beings." Cloe finished.

"Exactly." The demon lord grinned.

"What did you put over on him?" Lex asked.

"What? I thought he was being honest." Lana said.

"There are many types of honesty and his grin says he won something here." Lex explained.

D'Hoffryn nodded. "Very true, for a human you're quite astute. I told Xander quite a lot, but little about the powers and abilities of those that dwell in Amber. I was planning on telling him everything, to tempt him into agreeing and letting the little reset in his personal timeline wipe out the knowledge without any effort needed on my part, but instead he jumped on the hook without even truly seeing the bait."

"So this was all a setup to screw him over?" Cloe glared at him.

D'Hoffryn laughed loudly. "Not at all. I played fairer with him then I would most mortals and the deal will benefit us both, me more than him of course and it relies in part, on him not knowing about the extent and scope of his abilities or the PTBs plans, but I just found it amusing that all my highly detailed plans and schemes weren't needed. It's almost as if he were playing me, rather than the other way around."

"Six of one, half a dozen of the other, McGurk." Said the four foot tall figure that popped into Xander's seat.

"You!?!?" D'Hoffryn looked startled at the cheerfully grinning little guy, wearing a brown derby and business suit straight out of a 50's movie.

"Nice to meet youse guys. I'm just here to cover Laughing Boy's blunder here."

"Everything I did was well within the rules." The irate demon lord stated.

"Yeah and I got no problem with that. That's not the blunder. You were about to gloat and tell them all what you got away with. It's kinda a facet of this universe here and a big no-no for when they meet him again for the first time."

"He'll be back?" Cloe asked hopefully, her eyes lighting up a bit.

"I'd lay good odds on that, Toots, But if any of youse open your gobs and yap to him about him being here before, the PTBs will find the fix and put a nix on the deal."

"So, mum's the word?" Clark asked, wondering why the little guy looked so familiar.

"Exactly, Farmbred. You catch on fast."

Clark looked a little annoyed at his new moniker.

"Why would a being of power, such as yourself, aid my plan like this?" D'Hoffryn asked.

"That's an easy one, Sparky. Xander causes chaos, which you prefer, he spreads legs, which Eros encourages, and he raises spirits, which I like."

"Spreads legs?" Cloe asked, frowning thoughtfully.

The impish figure shrugged. "Love and Lust are pretty well connected. Spreading love will spread legs more effectively than any booze known to man or god! Heck, I already got him booked to spread some love to a girl who can't touch anyone without them falling into a coma. I've got some money riding on whether her boyfriend gives her the cold shoulder or not afterwards and I'm pretty sure Ol' Blue Boy is going to be one happy camper no matter what. "

"So, he **is** a hooker?" Lana asked, still very much confused about that aspect of things.

"Nah, Dollface, he doesn't charge rent for his wedding tackle and for the most part you can consider what he does as giving out fishing lessons."

"Yes, yes, it's all well and good, but what about my plans and exactly why would an Imp of the Perverse feel the need to show his hand here?"

"You created an order based Chaos Lord, how could I help but lend a hand? I'd explain more but..." The little guy grinned widely and trailed off.

Cloe snickered and finished for him. "But you have no patients with explaining the nature of the cosmos to lower beings."

"Buh Bye!" The little figure snapped his fingers and both the higher beings vanished.

0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0

Xander grinned wildly, as he blew past the 'Welcome to Sunnydale' sign, in a dark green, '74 Chevy Nova, convertible, heading out for the open road.

He'd been dreaming of this trip for years. He was going to drive, while Willow navigated, and Jessie kept his eyes peeled for scantily dressed hitchhikers. They had all planned it out long ago, but Jessie had died and his Willow was… not so much **his** Willow anymore, but he was still Xander and he was damn sure going to see all the sights the three of them had dreamed of since they were kids.

He glanced around worriedly for a second and then shrugged it off as nerves. 'Hellmouth paranoia is getting to me.'

The dozen or so amulets he wore clinked against each other as the wind whipped his hair back. He was off to see California. Even though he'd lived in it his entire life he'd never gotten a chance to see any of the sights, stuck in Sunnydale as he was. He glanced down at the advertisement for a comic convention in San Diego sitting on the passenger seat. 'An excellent place to start, if I do say so myself.'


	4. Chapter 4

**Sounds like Third Rock from The Sun**

CLUNK

Xander frowned. That was not a good sound, in fact that sounded like a rather expensive sound to his ears.

Ker-Plunk

'Great, now it has friends.'

CLUNK Ker-Plunk Clank

Xander quickly pulled over, as his engine made noises that he didn't know were possible without an extensive special budget and George Lucas being involved. Steam shot out from under the hood, billowing over the windshield when he hit the hood release lever, so he could check the engine. Grumbling to himself he hopped out of the car and waited for the steam to clear before popping open the hood.

'I knew this was going to happen and I budgeted for it, even if I have to get the entire engine replaced, I'll be back on the road in one or two days, tops. Take that Hellmouth!'

**Over a week later, in the alley behind Susan's Strip-O-Rama...**

Xander ducked another wild swing and came up under the vamp's guard, slamming a right into its chin. There was a harsh crack, as bone broke and the vamp fell like a pole-axed steer.

'Damn! Thank the gods, they're weaker away from the hellmouth. If this was Sunnydale I'd be swamped by now.'

He'd been in Oxnard for a little over a week since his car broke down and he was really beginning to wonder how Buffy had managed to be a slayer and attend school without falling asleep. Sure, the Scoobs had managed the same schedule as Buffy, but he was learning that being the tank was a lot different from being the backup. For one thing, it was a LOT more tiring.

'Has to be a slayer thing, give the girl three hours sleep and she was almost as perky as my... as Willow.'

A sudden blow from the left brought his attention back to the fight, as he felt his ribs complain. He took a couple of steps back and let the two remaining vamps come to him. He was forced to focus on the one in front of him, as it unleashed a flurry of blows that drove him away from the dumpster he'd put at his back.

'Fuck! He's a smart one, he's concentrating on my right side and pushing me out so his friend can get behind me.'

Having figured out their plan, the pair of arms that wrapped around him from behind, pinning his arms, came as no surprise whatsoever.

Ignoring the one that had him, he used it as a brace and lashed out with both feet in a kick that tossed the vamp in front of him into the side of the alley and sounded like it broke some ribs. The last vamp standing's grip tightened, as he went in for the kill.

Xander winced and waited, as he felt the fangs sink into his neck, before being rudely thrown down and listening to a vamp lose its lunch. Feeling his neck, he was relieved to find it had barely gotten through the skin, before his amulet had done its job.

Xander kicked the convulsing vamp in the head, relieving it of both nausea and consciousness.

'I love my, Amulet of Bad Taste. I can't believe no one else wanted one or maybe they thought I was being serious when I said it required them to wear Hawaiian shirts for it to work? Nah!'

Xander straightened his back and took a deep breath, wincing as his battered ribs protested the rough treatment he'd gone through. He looked around the alley and was stunned at what he'd done.

'Four vamps, even if they're weaker then fledglings, I can't believe I took out four!'

The battered demons stood, or rather sprawled, as mute testimony to his work however.

He quickly relieved them of their valuables and a black leather duster, before making a makeshift stake out of a broken crate and dusting them. He gave silent thanks to whatever deities were protecting him, although he had a pretty good idea who they were, because it'd be a bit difficult to spread love if he was dead.

The wallets and jewelry he stuffed in the pockets of the jacket. Sure it looked like something Angel would wear, but it'd hide the booty until he had a chance to go through it and he had to admit it was a lot more practical for hiding weapons in than anything he had at the moment.

'As long as it's the only piece of leather in my clothing inventory I should be fine, but if I start brooding I am soooo tracking down Captain Hairgel and lacing his shampoo with blond hair dye or maybe something in a nice pinkish shade.'

Lost in thought about the fact that L.A. was actually along his planned route and how easy it would be to actually pull off that prank, he meeped like a small kitten and clutched the trench like a teddy bear when the new girl suddenly popped up in front of him.

The newly hired dishwasher flinched back and stifled a scream at his jump. "S-s-sorry, I just w-wanted to say, thank you for taking out the trash f-for me."

Xander caught his breath and cleared his throat before speaking, trying to recover his lost dignity. "Not a problem. In fact, anytime you need the trash taken out, just call me over. The alley is really dirty and has rats, big rats."

The sandy blonde girl looked at Xander for a moment before speaking. "Y-you have blood on your neck."

"Big, high jumping rats." He said as seriously as possible.

"A-and ash on your shirt." Soft brown eyes stared into his own.

"Who smoke. Big, high jumping rats, who smoke."

"You're a b-bit messed up."

"Really, really big."

"And you d-didn't have that j-jacket when you went out there."

"And have poor fashion sense." Xander offered lamely.

The girl seemed to consider this for a moment. "Thank you. I-I'll let you know when the trash begins to get s-stacked up."

Xander smiled, relieved that they wouldn't be losing another person to the... rats out back, especially this one, she seemed nice and set off all his protective instincts. 'Cute too!'

OOOOOOOOOOO

Xander hung up his new coat and took his place behind the bar. "Hey, guys. Miss me?"

"Like I miss my left nut." Joe announced, uncharacteristically solemn, drawing the attention of everyone at the bar.

Joe was in his late 20s, dark skinned, bald and about 6'3", weighing in at about 240 lbs of solid muscle and a tiny bit of a beer belly that he complained about constantly. He was also a master of verbal flirtation and had been teaching Xander the true art of the quip and a little bit of boxing and some other odds and ends, so he could help him sweep the parking lot for undesirables at the end of the night.

"You lost your left nut?" One of the women at the bar asked, eyes wide.

"Well, I haven't seen it since this morning, but the police say I have to wait at least 24 hours before reporting it missing. Why, do you want to help me look for it?" Joe gave her a flirtatious smile, as everyone around him laughed.

Xander grinned and took his spot behind the bar, wearing a frilly pink apron (He'd lost a bet with Joe on whether or not Twinkies would work as a holy symbol) and started slinging drinks, literally. Joe had noticed Xander juggling plates as he washed them and had, after an afternoon of training, upgraded him to assistant bartender, showing him all the tricks Joe used to make mixing and serving an acrobatic skill, rather than just a job.

'When I said I wanted to see America, strip clubs never crossed my mind. Thanks again!' The brunette teen thought, as he caught a Jello shot that Joe tossed over his shoulder and slid it in front of a stunning redhead.

**Three hours, hundreds of drinks, three trash takeouts and two vamps later...**

"Last call, everybody! If you want a drink, it's your last chance to get one." The DJ announced and keyed up SemiSonic's Closing Time, which Joe and Xander sang along to, the song slowly gaining volume as everyone else joined in.

Applause shook the windows as everyone clapped, stomped, and whistled, before grabbing their stuff and trickling out singly and in pairs, as some people took the song to heart and used the last few minutes to 'find a friend'.

Xander and Joe made short work of the bar, wiping down and putting everything away swiftly.

Xander had just split the tip jar with Joe, when one of the male dancers had come up and started feeling Xander out on doing something together.

If it hadn't been for Joe's tutelage, Xander would have missed the sexual overtones completely.

"Sorry, I appreciate the complement, but I'm straight." Xander said with a smile, trying to let him down easy.

Greg slumped a bit, but the slightly nervous air about him seemed to dissipate. "Can't say I'm not disappointed, but thanks, Alex for not making a scene."

"Why would I make a scene?" Xander asked.

"Most of the straight guys I've hit on get all bent out of shape, like they've just been insulted or something."

"That's because they're idiots who don't know how to take a compliment and have deficient math skills."

Xander had drawn a bit of a crowd, as several people had been hanging around, either because they'd placed bets on whether Xander was gay or because they wanted to make sure Greg wouldn't get hurt if Xander did turn out to be one of the types who had a violent reaction.

"Deficient math skills?" Greg asked, confused.

"Yep, deficient math skills," Xander confirmed. "You see, more men are born then women, so the more gay men there are, the more women are available."

There was a rolling laugh from the crowd.

"What about us bisexuals?!" John, a self described 'openly indiscriminate', dancer shouted out.

"Half the time you go after guys, improving my odds and by the way, thank you for that, because as everyone knows, I need all the help I can get."

Most of the employees who had gathered around by then, listening to Xander, were laughing and giggling.

Linda, one of the female dancers with very generous curves that Xander had openly drooled over before, decided to put in her two cents. "And us bisexual women?"

"Same as the men, with the added bonus of possibly taking one of us poor males home and allowing us to participate in the Holy Trinity." Xander said, mock seriously.

"Holy Trinity?"

Xander nodded to Joe and both of them called out at once, "Threesome!"

It took a few minutes for the laughter from that to die down.

Sally, a blonde beauty that was open about her orientation, but still liked to tease Xander, spoke up, "And us lesbians?"

"Are fun to watch." Xander leered comically.

Greg nodded. "That's true."

"Hey, I thought you were strictly gay." John said, raising an eyebrow at his friend.

"I am, I just think two women together are cute."

"Oh, cute are we?" Sally smirked. "Let's see how cute you think THIS is."

Sally grabbed Linda and planted a kiss on her that curled the toes of the people watching. It didn't take long before their hands disappeared beneath clothes and their tops hit the floor. The audience didn't seem to faze them and may just have egged them on a bit. Certainly the cheers didn't hurt them any.

"Still think they're cute?" John nudged Greg with an elbow to catch his attention.

"Yep. It's not my scene, but it's kind of a comfy feeling, knowing that we have something in common."

A loud whistle and several claps drew everybody's attention to the owner, Susan. "Live sex shows are illegal in this state. Fun's fun, but I don't need the fines."

The audience's mass 'awwww' pulled a snicker from Xander and Joe and almost covered the comically loud 'pop' Linda made as Sally pulled her breast from Linda's mouth.

"'The Man' is always coming down on us poor working class folks." Xander said with a sigh.

"I know, same shit been happening to my people for two hundred years." Joe commiserated.

"I'm 'The Man' now?" Susan snorted and hefted a c-cup size breast in her left hand, with a raised eyebrow.

Joe and Xander grinned, already having prepared a line for this and called out, "Whoa-Man!"

Susan laughed with everyone, as the two bartenders geared up to sweep the parking lot.

Xander put on his new coat and ducked down behind the bar to cover the Sunnydale standard kit that he equipped himself with. Joe had already palmed his gear, while everyone had been laughing and simply slipped into his motorcycle jacket and grabbed a police baton, tossing another to Xander when he stood up.

Many of the staff sobered up a bit, knowing what Xander and Joe were off to do. It wasn't exactly a secret, but since most people blocked out all knowledge of the supernatural, it'd only cause confusion and some questions about their sanity to tell everyone the truth, so excuses were made about gang members and such to explain what was going on and only those that seemed to know about things lurking in the night were informed.

Xander and Joe's sweep of the parking lot came up empty, not a single vamp or over enthusiastic fan was waiting in the wings.

"Thinks it's my deodorant?" Xander asked, as he scratched his head with the baton.

Joe shrugged. "We've been hitting them pretty hard lately, maybe they took the hint and moved on to greener pastures."

"I took out six of them by the dumpster, so that can't be it."

"Six?! That's biting off a bit much, Alex, even for both of us at once."

"Six total for the night. I wouldn't willingly tackle six leaches without backup, unless there was no chance of running away screaming." Xander said, deciding that it was close enough to the truth, to avoid lying without worrying his friend.

"Just checkin'. I don't feel like training another assistant, it'd seriously cut into my me-time."

"Nice to know I'm appreciated." Xander smirked and he and Joe laughed off some of the nervous tension that built up before a battle, that they apparently weren't due tonight.

"Seriously though, I think we may have thinned out the numbers enough to make them decide to move on to easier targets. This town isn't large enough to support that big a population of leeches and the six you dusted were probably their attempt at a little payback before splitting. I think we can declare this place... clean." Joe twirled his baton and smiled.

Xander thought about it for a moment and had to agree that it did fit the vamps he'd dealt with in the 'Dale. "All I can say is, thank god they're weaker away from The Hellmouth, because otherwise I wouldn't be standing here right now and you'd have to take care of them yourself and I'm not sure you're up to it, what with that enormous gut you've got going."

Joe's eyes looked guilty for a moment, as Xander mentioned how much weaker the vampires were. "Yeah, lucky us."

Xander smirked and walked ahead, whistling innocently as Joe registered the rest of his comment.

"Hey, it's not that bad, is it? Damn it, I knew I should've upped my crunches last month. Well since we've got no fangys to play with, how about a quick spar?" Joe smirked.

A little training and some payback were shortly headed Xander's way.

OOOOOOOOOOO

Linda peeked out the back door and studied the shadows before taking her cross out of her shirt, darting out and dumping the trash she'd collected from the tables. As she turned to go back inside she looked at the ground and froze for a moment.

The girl washing the last of the dishes smiled quietly to herself. She hadn't been sure she'd be able to make it on her own, both across country and keeping herself fed, but she had. She hadn't been sure about being taking a job as a dishwasher in a mixed sex strip club, but that had worked out too. 'If things go well, I'll be at college within a week and I can start auditing courses.'

Linda stumbled in, face pale, breaking her from her thoughts.

"A-are you ok?"

"Yeah, I think so." Linda looked up and examined the new girl for a moment, who responded by blushing and looking down. "You must be something else, for Alex to protect you like that."

"W-what, protect?"

"There are at least five, maybe six, piles of ashes in the back alley." Linda said, feeling for a response to see if the new girl knew anything about the local pest problem.

"T-that's a lot!"

"I wouldn't face six of them for anyone. Hell, fighting one of them is practically courting death by itself, but six?! He must really have a thing for you." Linda muttered, remembering how she'd been attacked by one and been rescued by their new bartender. Seeing a way to pay him back, since he hadn't accepted her offer of sex at the time, she decided to encourage things between the new girl and Alex, since it turned out he wasn't gay, like she'd bet, despite his flirting with her.

"Are you s-sure it w-was all for me?" She asked, twisting a washrag in her hands nervously.

"Well, we lost our last two dishwashers from them going out back at night. After the first one, he warned the replacement to let him take care of things, but she went out anyway. He's ducked out from behind the bar for a minute, here and there, all night tonight. So, I'm guessing he was making sure you weren't going out yourself and he kept running into them and still insisted on doing it, to keep you safe."

"H-he only went out f-f-four times!"

"Then he faced off with two at least once, maybe twice. Whatever you've got, I wish I had, I can barely get a guy to help me wash my car." Linda said, laying it on a bit thick as she led the girl out front where the employees had gathered to await their cue to head out for the night.

Xander and Joe strode in, with Xander favoring his left side a bit, his ribs still not fully healed from the beating they'd taken and the sparring he and Joe had done, while waiting to make sure there were no 'late arrivals'.

"The parking lot is clear of annoyances. I guess they decided IHOP had better food at this time of night." Joe announced.

Linda leaned over and whispered, "He must have taken a bit of a beating tonight, I've never seen him favor his side like that."

'He went through all that for me?' She thought, as the employees started to trickle out the door.

OOOOOOOOOOO

Xander ducked into the bathroom to freshen up a bit, noticing that the vamp's bite from earlier was just a pair of fading red marks now. 'Could be one of the powers of the Amulet of Bad Taste? Light bites heal fast or it could just be something in vamp saliva. Could be why Mom's kiss booboos, because vamps doing it heals small wounds and that info spread and changed over time and isn't that a repulsive thought.'

Shrugging it off as unimportant for the moment, but definitely something to research after his trip, Xander stepped out of the bathroom and nearly duplicated the earlier scene, complete with 'meep' and much clenching of trenchcoat and the addition of a slight wince as his side reminded him that it was voting against sudden movements for the near future.

"S-sorry." She apologized.

"It's ok," Xander cleared his throat and tried to recover his much abused dignity. "I needed a good jolt to hit my target heart rate anyway."

She couldn't help but giggle a little at that face saving excuse.

OOOOOOOOOOO

Linda looked over and saw Xander talking to the new girl. She smiled. This was perfect.

"Hey, Joe!"

The bartender turned around on his barstool from where he was watching everyone leave. "Hey, Linda! You finally come to your senses and realized that Sally only wants you for one thing?"

"Speak for yourself. I want her for several things!" Sally commented from the stool beside him.

They shared a quick laugh, before Linda got back to what she was planning. "I'm trying to set Alex up. See him and the girl next to him?"

"Figure she's his type?" Sally asked.

"Well he took out the trash for her all night and faced down about half a dozen gang members out back, so I'm guessing yes." Linda said, using the standard code for vamps when talking to someone who didn't know about the real world.

"Didn't you bet he was gay?" Sally asked, holding out a hand.

Linda groaned and handed Sally a twenty. "Yes and how did you know he wasn't?"

Sally shrugged. "He's a bit more polite then most of the straight guys who hit on me, but he was definitely interested."

"Then why did he turn me down?"

Joe decided to add his two cents. "Did you come on to him just after he saved you from a gang member?"

"Yeah, he dove right in and tackled the jerk off me. My heart felt like it was going about a mile a minute and I was sure it was game over until he showed up, so when he finished dusting... off his hands, I asked him if he wanted to go somewhere a little more private, so I could show him exactly how grateful I was."

"That's why he turned you down then," Joe nodded thoughtfully. "Alex won't accept sex under those conditions, says it feels forced and doesn't want there to be any hard feelings afterwards."

"So, I could have asked invited him for a little fun anytime else and he would have said yes?" Linda asked incredulously.

"Yep. You could have asked him the next day and he probably would have said yes."

"Arrrggghhh! Damn confusing men. Why can't you all just stay hormonal jerks, who will do anything or sex?"

"That's why I only date women." Sally grinned.

"A plan I heartily approve of," Joe smirked, "But if you two ever feel the need for some variety, just let me know."

"Help me with those two and you have a deal." Linda said, much to Sally's consternation.

"Sure." Joe whistled loudly. "Hey, Alex. Make sure she gets home safely, will ya?"

Xander whipped off a two finger salute to Joe and held the door open for the new girl, as he escorted the young lady out, leaving Joe, Linda, and a nervous Sally as the last people there.

"I can't believe it was that easy." Linda muttered.

Joe looked over at Susan and patted her on the shoulder. "Relax, I just want to study your techniques."

"Really?" Sally asked, hopefully.

"Yeah, Linda's been looking real happy every night she comes to work after a date with you, so I'm just planning on taking some notes."

"Good. It's not that you're not a nice guy or anything, but..." She began apologetically.

"Don't sweat it, I'd feel the same way if I was you. Hell, I'd feel the same way now. Having sex with guys just doesn't do it for me."

They shared a chuckle as they each grabbed one of Linda's arms and lead the girl, still grumbling about confusing guys denying her sex and yet so eager to jump at others, out of the bar, only pausing to lock the door.


	5. Chapter 5

**Run along little doggies**

"So, how'd a cute and shy girl like you end up working in a strip bar," Xander asked, showing all the suave and subtlety of a bull asking directions to the nearest china shop, as they headed for the hotel she was staying at.

Fortunately, the girl didn't seem to take offense.

"W-well, I wanted to go to the same c-college that my m-mom went to, but my d-dad didn't approve, so I scraped up what money I could and away I w-went. I nearly have enough n-now. I'll m-miss the first semester, but w-with a little h-hard work, I'll be able to attend the n-next," her voice firmed up a little as she talked about her plans, a small smile lighting up her face.

"I'm impressed. I don't know that I'd have the courage to go through all that to attend school," Xander answered, figuring that with his grades he'd have wasted a lot of effort just to flunk out sometime in the first year.

"B-but, you stood up t-to the r-rats," she exclaimed, wondering how he could consider what she did braver than what he did every night.

Xander shrugged. "The rats can only kill me, actually they can probably do worse than kill me, but do you know what they can't do?"

"No, w-what," she asked, wondering what he feared worse than death or undeath.

"They can't make me stand up in front of the class when my pants dwelling friend is trying to peek out my zipper or ask me questions they know I don't have the answers to and make snide comments at my expense," he stated, shivering a little as he remembered past events.

The new girl didn't know whether to ask if he was serious or just stare in stunned disbelief. He was willing to face monsters she realized, but public embarrassment was his kryptonite.

He nodded in the mistaken belief that she was agreeing with him. "And that's not counting the teachers that tie you up in the basement because they want you to fertilize their eggs and then eat you or the class projects where it turns out that the baby, yet another egg, they gave you to raise has a mind controlling…" he trailed off realizing he was babbling.

"T-that all happened to you?"

"Ummm, would you believe I was talking about school plays I did for drama," Xander asked hopefully.

"I-I can p-pretend," she offered and was rewarded with a thankful smile.

"Well, let's just say the drama club was very tiring and poisoned my love of school even more than the teachers themselves or the lunch lady who tried to flavor my state issued gruel with rat poison."

"S-still, just because h-high school was t-tough d-doesn't mean c-college will be," she offered.

"I don't know. My friends are all going to college, but me and academics have a long standing feud that prevents us from enjoying any time together, even when I'm not attending a play," he said doubtfully.

"W-well…" she began, only to be interrupted by a tall black robed vampire stepping out of a dark alley right in front of them.

"So, this is the fool that has dared to stand in my way. My kiss is all but gone, thanks to you."

"Your what," Xander asked, moving in front of the girl so the vamp concentrated his attention on him, not that the over dressed vamp seemed to be adverse to it with the way he was glaring at Xander.

"My kiss, as in, a kiss of vampires," he explained, his yellow eyes glaring hatefully from beneath his ridged brow.

"I always thought it was a murder," Xander replied, confused about the terminology.

The vampire actually considered that for a moment before replying, "I rather like that. Kiss was always a bit too…"

"Anne Rice," Xander offered.

"That and a bit gay," the vamp confirmed.

"Anyone asks, I'll tell them you called it a murder," he promised, one hand sneaking behind his back, brushing the frightened girl behind his back's breasts' and making her squeak, as he reached for the spare stake he kept tucked away in the back of his belt for situation like this.

"Did you just ignore me to feel her up," the vamp asked incredulously.

"Well," Xander replied, figuring he'd use whatever excuse he could to cover his actions, "can you think of a better time? I mean, you're the master vamp, which means I'm not likely to get another chance, what with you planning on killing me and all."

"Good point. Well, since we are doing things a bit unorthodoxly, I'll skip the threatening speech and jump straight to the heart of the matter. I'm not too shabby a mage and I've summoned The Hounds of Rek'nor to hunt you down and devour you." The vamp grinned evilly.

"What's that on the front of your robe," Xander asked.

"On my robe?" The vamp looked down just as Xander's hand lashed out, slamming a stake right into its heart.

"You just…" she trailed off staring at Xander, as the vamp exploded into ash.

"What? I'm not going to listen to a speech if I don't have to. I mean, sure the first couple of times they're really spooky and you get chills, but about the seventh time you've had some master vamp going on about how he's going to eat your spleen and it's always the spleen, I have no idea why, well… it gets kinda dull. Vamps are all drama queens, trust me on that, and not very bright, so if you can break the mood and upset them you can usually take them by surprise… I'm babbling again, aren't I?"

She nodded.

"Ummm…. Sorry about feeling you up, but I was reaching for my wood, STAKE… I mean stake and it was a complete accident. I lied to the vamp to get him to drop his guard," he apologized, hoping he hadn't offended her.

"T-T-That's alright. I understand. You were just p-protecting me, again." She offered him a small smile that he returned with a huge grin.

"You deserve protection," Xander began, only to be interrupted by a loud howl from not too far away.

"Hounds," he muttered, taking her hand and beginning to run.

"Hounds?"

"Yep. He said he summoned the Hounds of Wreck something and I don't think we want the wrecked thing to be us!"

Running down the block they could hear the howls getting louder at a frighteningly quick pace.

Noticing the way the new girl was trailing behind, he turned and swept her up into his arms and started sprinting as his motel came into sight. 'Thank god she's light.'

Arriving at room number 13 of the Summerset Motor Lodge, Xander fumbled in his jacket pocket for the keys and quickly unlocked the door, carrying her in, bridal style, and never looking back as he kicked the door shut and braced himself against it.

Blood thirsty growls and the occasional teeth watering howl came from just outside the door as Xander stood there, holding the girl in his arms, heart racing.

After about five minutes they'd both calmed down and noticed the lack of large slavering monsters in the room.

"They can't come in," she guessed.

Xander blinked. "Oh, yeah. I carved sanctuary runes into the baseboards."

"You w-warded your room?"

He looked down at the girl in his arms and reluctantly set her down, wincing as another loud howl rattled the window. "My best friend made me learn how to ward a motel room before I went on my trip. I was threatened with confiscation of my Twinkie supply if I didn't get it right. Needless to say, I learned quickly."

She giggled, noting that he seemed genuinely scared of having his Twinkies taken away.

Both of them winced as the window shook from the volume of the howl that was released outside.

"OK, that's going to get old fast," Xander muttered, rubbing his ears.

"What can we do," she called out loudly with her fingers in her ears, as the howls started up again.

"I'll call, Giles. I'm sure he knows what to do about the Hounds of Wrecker."

"What?"

Xander repeated himself loudly, then shrugged as she obviously couldn't hear him. Grabbing the phone he dialed the Sunnydale high school's library's number from memory, but hung up as a recorded message stated it had been disconnected. 'Oh yeah, I kinda blew that up.'

Trying Giles' home phone he got an answer.

0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0

"Yes? Xander, it's nice to hear…" Giles winced and held the phone away from his ear.

"What is that, God awful, racket?"

He carefully removed his glasses and started polishing them while holding the phone between his shoulder and his ear.

"Hounds of Wrecker? Are you sure it wasn't Hounds of Rek'nor?"

Another wince as he put his glasses back on and removed the phone from his ear until the noise had died down.

"Well yes there is a rather big difference. The Hounds of Wrecker I've never heard of, while the Hounds of Rek'nor I've actually used to play a prank when I was younger."

Giles held the phone away from his ear as the hounds howled once more.

"Well it was when I was young and foolish. The hounds' bark is far worse than their bite and just like vampires they can't enter a domicile uninvited, but they can howl all night long and ruin the sleep of some stodgy old biddy who calls the Bobbies every time you have a party that gets a tad loud."

He held the phone out once more and waited for the noise to die down.

"Yes, well they should vanish with the dawn and I know of no means of getting rid of them that you could actually use. I could dismiss them, but I'm not there and despite your forays into amulet creation and warding and you are completely hopeless when it comes to actual spellcasting."

Giles sighed and turned the phone away till the howls faded.

"You could always try bribing them. They can't enter your room, so simply open the door and tell them you'll be staying in for the night and if they stop howling you'll feed them."

He winced and held the phone away from himself again.

"I don't know, you'll have to ask them. If worse comes to worse you can order something and have them hide until it arrives. Yes, I'll tell the girls. Bye, Xander."

Giles hung up the phone and rubbed his ear. "I swear that boy attracts almost as much trouble as the Hellmouth."

0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0

"I really hope I have something to feed them with," Xander muttered, checking the mini fridge and frowning.

"W-what's wrong?" the blonde girl asked, concerned.

Xander pulled four large pizzas out of the mini-fridge. "I didn't buy these."

Shrugging it off as a lucky happenstance, Xander turned to her. "I'm going to negotiate with the howling hounds outside. According to Giles they'll disappear come morning, but we can at least bribe them to be quiet so we can sleep tonight. Sorry, but it looks like you'll be bunking with me tonight."

"T-that's ok. I-I…" Whatever she'd been about to say was drowned out by the howls once more.

"Hold that thought," Xander suggested, once the noise had died down, "I have to open the door, so just in case Giles is wrong you may want to hide in the bathroom."

Despite her protests he could tell she was nervous, so he gently pushed her towards the bathroom and waited for the door to close.

Xander opened the door and looked out at the dozen or so hounds in disbelief. "You've got to be shitting me!"

0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0

The blonde haired girl slowly opened the bathroom door just as Xander was closing the outer door with a bemused expression on his face.

"A-are they gone?"

"Nah, but according to Giles they'll stay quiet for the rest of the night and disperse back home come morning."

"So…" she cast around for something to talk about. "The b-bartender called you Alex."

Xander grinned. "Well my name is actually Alexander, but since I'm working at a strip club and I'm a bit underage I decided to go by Alex since that's what I have on my fake ID. How about you?"

The girl blushed and looked down. "I k-kinda faked an ID w-with magic, a-and have a gl-glamour on that makes p-people avoid a-asking my name," she glanced around the room and her eyes lit upon the calendar, "b-but since I can't say my name without b-breaking the spell, you can c-call me Sunday."

She waited nervously to see how he took the fact that she was able to cast spells. He seemed to be ok with magic, but her family, the males anyway, had been really against it.

"Cool. My friend Will is really good with the mojo, but I can't cast to save my life, literally. I once had to read a spell from a book to banish a demon and let's just say that if I didn't have a short blonde friend, who is good with a short sword, I wouldn't be here today. Instead of banishing the demon it actually made it wet itself laughing. I seem to have a flair for amulets, but I am the Tim Taylor of spell casting."

"Tim Taylor?"

Xander grinned. "I cause big booms."

Sunday yawned in mid laugh. "S-sorry, I think I'm a b-bit worn out."

Xander nodded. "Well, normally this is the part where I offer to let you take the bed and I'll sleep on the floor, but considering all they had left when I got here was a double room, how about I take the bed on the right and you take the one on the left?"

"I d-don't have anything to w-wear," Sunday pointed out, blushing.

Xander dug through his clothes and took out a long t-shirt and some boxers. "Here, this should be good enough for tonight."

**Later that night…**

Xander awoke with a start as he felt the bed shift. He froze for a second and cursed himself for taking off all his protective amulets, even if they were a bit sticky from vampire ash, sweat, and blood, but then he remembered the runes protecting the room and the girl he'd carried in. Shortly thereafter his boxers were tugged down by someone occupying the lower half of his bed and rational though fled, with the exception of a brief moment involving some clumsiness and teeth that was quickly forgotten.

Xander had a blissful smile on his face as a blonde haired girl climbed up from below and laid on top of him. "You know, you didn't have to do that… I mean, unless you wanted to, I don't want you to feel you owe me anything."

"I know. I w-wanted to and not because of what you d-did, but because you are the type of g-guy who did it. D-does that make s-sense?"

"Yeah," he replied wrapping his arms around her, "I think I get what you mean."

She kissed him hesitantly, slowly getting into it, but he noticed that some physical reactions on her part were lacking. Sighing in disappointment, he hugged her tightly and cupped her ass. "You know, you don't have to force yourself. If you aren't into it, you aren't into it."

"B-but," she protested timidly.

"And a mighty nice one it is too," he replied giving her a squeeze, "but… I mean however, you are not attracted to me."

She laid her head on his chest. "I-I was hoping I would be. I mean, if there was a guy who I would be a-attracted to it would have to be s-someone like you."

"Nope, apparently you are, like me, a dyed in the wool woman lover. You are attracted to the very curvy and sexy and better smelling members of the human race." He stroked her back with his right hand, while still cupping her ass with his left.

"M-maybe," she conceded, doubt evident in her voice.

Xander grinned and began telling her about the show, Sally and Linda had put on for everyone, before Susan had broken it up.

Sunday was left panting on top of him and showing all the signs that had been missing from earlier. "Ok, I'm a big ole lesbo."

"I don't know if I'd say big. I'd say perfectly curved and absolutely gorgeous," Xander reassured her, before getting an evil grin and told the tale again, this time as he'd imagined it would have gone on without being broken up and then adding Sunday to the story.

They were both left sticky and panting in short order.

"How come they call it dry h-humping if everything gets wet?" she wonder aloud.

"They don't, dry humping requires the wearing of clothes. This was frotting; the rubbing of sexual organs together without penetration," Xander explained as he caught his breath.

"Well, I think I like it and I e-enjoyed doing that with you, so m-maybe I'm not a full lesbian."

Xander considered that for a moment, before shaking his head. "Nah, you were turned on by the thought of the girls, not by my hunky self."

Raising her head from his chest she gave him a toe curling kiss, "N-not entirely, it was also the fact that you cared enough to do that for me. I think t-that's very sexy."

_Fade out…_

**The Next Morning… **

Sunday awoke to find herself alone and a letter on the nightstand along with an envelope containing a large wad of cash and a silver ankh on a gold chain.

_Dear Sunday, _

_Last night was my last night at Susie's before I continued my vacation, I suck at goodbyes and I'll be back in Sunnydale by September 1st anyway. The cash is your half of what I took off the rats. Apparently you make excellent rat bait, so be careful! Sunnydale has a rather large rodent problem. Just in case I included a contact number for G-Man. He'll know what to do if you have any problems of an usual nature while in town. The amulet is called 'The Amulet of Bad Taste' or at least that's what I call it. My friends never wore the ones I made for them, but I can testify that anything that bites you will be losing their lunch, even if I think you taste sweet. _

_Love, Alex _

**AN: Attempted to make a non-lemon sex scene. Hopefully it worked.**


	6. Chapter 6

**The Valley of the Shadow of the cousin of Death**

**Disclaimer: I don't own HP either!**

Aphrodite looked up from the table, that numerous deities and assorted higher level beings were all gathered around, as one of her faithful appeared in a beam of light. "You did well… Joe. You have my blessings and you may keep the girdle of giant strength as my gift to you."

Bowing deeply, Joe addressed his goddess, "Many thanks, my lady. I need no reward, the honor of serving you is reward enough."

The goddess smirked. "In other words the girdle covered by the illusion of flesh makes it look like you are getting pudgy."

Joe grinned unrepentant. "Just a tad and it's not my strength of arm that lends itself most to my service of you."

Her laughter tinkled like bells. "I'm sure you'll find a use for it at some point, but you needn't wear it anymore, just stick it in a chest somewhere."

***

Xander smiled broadly as he hit the road again. He'd seen and learned things that he hadn't known existed while working at Susie's.

He made a mental note to see if Susie needed some part time help when he returned. If she did, Sunday might like her job back as well. It was good money and would allow him to ensure the town wasn't re-infested. Both worthy goals in his mind. The fact that the job was fun, and the girls both friendly and topless was just a bonus – honest!

Xander grinned. His car was running better than ever, he had plenty of funds and he'd made a new friend. All in all he had to say his trip was going better than planned – even if he was far closer to home than his schedule called for.

He deliberated between flipping on the A/C and rolling down the window as he rolled through the desert between Oxnard and LA before deciding to roll the window down. The last thing he needed was to overheat the engine, and despite the mechanic's assurance that the vehicle was in better condition than when it was new – it's always better to be safe than sorry.

The cool morning air that rushed in brought a variety of smells, each of them making him glad to be away from Sunnydale. The area was just so clean and the desert just so quiet compared to the city.

He yawned a little, deciding to open the cooler and grabbed a coke. He'd gotten less sleep than he'd planned on – not that he was complaining. Nevertheless he was still shorter on sleep than he liked and he'd have to rely on caffeine to make up the difference.

He sipped his Coke and tried not to yawn too much as he watched the sun slowly rise steadily higher in the sky, throwing the shadows into sharp contrast – beginning the slow process that would turn the desert into a fair approximation of Death Valley.

He thought it was kinda ironic that Sunnydale was home to so many vamps and a place like this existed so close to the Hellmouth. Vamps wouldn't last a second out in the desert during the day, and they probably got lost trying to cross it during the night – well unless they hitchhiked or followed the roads, but vamps never were all that bright.

Xander spent a few happy minutes thinking about vamps wandering around the desert and panicking when the sun came up and there was no place to hide. He could just picture the vamps bursting into flame with pain filled cries, their ash drifting lazily to join with the sand and remove any trace that they had existed.

'Though I drive through the valley of the cousin of Death, I'll fear no evil, because I have a short blonde cheerleader as my friend,' Xander thought to himself humorously before breaking into a huge yawn that made his vision waver.

Blinking he winced as a wave of heat rolled in through the open windows and he realized the sun was up a lot higher than it should be. 'Damn, I must have dozed off for a bit. Good thing the road is straight.'

Xander didn't even take a second of debate this time before rolling up the windows and turning on the A/C. It had to be at least 120 degrees out there and while keeping the car from overheating was important – he couldn't afford to overheat himself either.

'It's so bright outside that it's washed the color out of everything,' Xander thought to himself as he compared the bone white sand to the pitch black road and the guy stumbling alongside it in a tattered black robe.

Xander slowed down and squinted – yep, that was someone stumbling along in the desert heat in a robe of all things. 'Hmmm, why does this remind me of Star Wars?'

He slowed and rolled down the passenger side window, letting in a blast of hot air as he pulled up alongside the robed figure. "Do you need help?" Xander asked, knowing it was a stupid question – but one that had to be asked anyway, if only to determine how sane the stumbling figure was.

"Are you Death?" the man asked, with a raspy voice – clearly dehydrated and strangely enough ... British!

"Nope, just someone driving through the desert who thought you might like something cool to drink and a ride to someplace that wasn't hotter than Hell."

The man blinked a few times, obviously not quite all there before replying, "That'd be great, thanks."

Xander rolled up the window and popped the door open to let the man inside, before turning the A/C to its highest setting, handing the man a can of Coke and getting back on the road.

The man gulped the Coke as if he were dying of thirst, which from the looks of him he probably had been.

Xander handed him a bottle of orange juice next, which quickly vanished as well.

"Thanks," the man said gratefully. "I'm Sirius Black and I have no idea where I am."

"Xander Harris," Xander offered, "and you're in the desert outside of Sunnydale."

Sirius blinked. "Sunnydale?"

"Yeah, Sunnydale California," Xander explained.

"Huh," Sirius said clearly confused. "This may sound strange..." he began.

"I'm sure it's no stranger than some of the stories I could tell," Xander said, hoping to reassure the man.

Sirius seemed to take that as a challenge, judging by the smirk on his face. "I was dueling against my cousin in front of the Veil of Death, to help protect my godson from a resurrected Dark Lord, when I stopped to gloat and she hit me with a stunner that sent me through the Veil. Thankfully Dumbledore and the Order of the Phoenix was there to look after Harry."

Xander grinned. "200 plus year old black wizard, Mayor of the town – turned into a Giant Snake Demon. Had an army of vamps, and that was just our graduation day. We got to blow up the school and had a better than 80 percent survival rate. Highest in our town's history."

Sirius blinked. "Ok, you win." He was rather relieved that his host knew about magic.

"So the Veil of Death leads to the desert outside Sunnydale."

Sirius shrugged. "It did for me, but if it was that simple I think a lot of the wizards and witches who got tossed through would have made it back."

"Well, when we get back to something approaching civilization – or even LA we'll call and see," Xander promised.

"Thanks for picking me up," Sirius said. "I must have looked like a lunatic, wandering around the desert dressed like this, asking if you were Death..."

Xander shrugged it off "Nah, I think I'd ask the same question in your shoes. Well, that and change into something other than a robe, or maybe ditch all the clothes other than the robe and shoes."

Sirius nodded dumbly. "Damn, wish I'd thought of that a couple of miles ago, but between the stunner and the heat it never occurred to me. Well, that," he grinned ruefully, "and the fact I thought I was already dead. Hell, I didn't even think to try using my magic."

"Thought you'd died and gone to Hell?"

"Yeah, I mean I'm not that bad a guy, but I could have been a lot better and I've spent a lot of my time having fun and chasing girls."

"Huh," Xander said thoughtfully. "You don't sound like a bad guy to me, but its possible that the Veil was set up to drop people into Hell. You're only couple dozen miles away from a portal to it."

Sirius paled. "Please tell me we're traveling away from it?"

"We're traveling away from it." Xander grinned. "I'm going on vacation, which I'm told is more fun, though less exciting, away from the Hellmouth."

"Thank Merlin," Sirius breathed. "Man do I need a nap, and beer, and about 12 hours of sleep, and few cases of fire whiskey."

"I'd let you sleep in the back seat, but it's a bit cluttered."

"No problem, I can expand it a little," Sirius promised. "I mastered expansion charms in my third year, so I could sneak in butterbeer and girly magazines."

Sirius pulled out a wand of all things, and spoke the worst bastardization of Latin Xander had ever heard. (Giles had ensured Xander learned the real thing.) Before he could stop him.

After a couple of seconds with no explosion or noticeable change in anything, Xander sighed and turned his eyes back to the road.

"Hehe, oops," Sirius said nervously, his voice echoing strangely behind them.

"Oops," Xander said, tensing again. "That's not a good word to hear when magic is involved."

"You may want to take a look," the mage suggested apologetically.

Xander slowed the car to a stop, before putting it in park and turning around to stare wide eyed at the gaping black pit where his back seat used to be. "You disintegrated my back seat?!"

"No, I just expanded it... beyond all bounds of sanity. See, everything is still there – there's just a huge amount of space there as well. I'm thinking sorry is a bit too little of an apology, but for what its worth... Sorry? The spell isn't supposed to work this way, it either expands things up to ten times the original size on the inside or it fails. I've never heard of it doing this before."

Xander sighed. "Probably my fault than, magic goes kinda wonky around me. Giles says its more than likely the Hellmouth's influence, but I've had too many weird things happen to be 100 percent sure he's right."

"Well, look at the bright side – you can build a house in there, or maybe a mansion!"

Xander got out, opening the back door on his side and noticed the floor was now made of black marble and that everything faded off into the distance, not even a glimpse of light visible from the other side.

"Possibly a city." Sirius breathed in awe, having gotten out to take a look himself.

"I take it this isn't going to wear off?" Xander asked, impressed and realizing he was half hoping it wouldn't.

"Stays until dispelled, using the specific charm me and my friends came up with in school. Or until the object it's cast on is destroyed. See, we improved upon the original charm by making everything on the inside act as if it's not there by the outside – ignoring things like inertia, weight, and orientation."

Xander thought about that for a second. "You spilled butterbeer on the girly mags, and almost hurt yourself because of the amount of butterbeer you were smuggling in," he guessed, "and the teachers caught wind that something was going on because someone ratted you out."

Sirius just stared at him wide eyed. "Are you a seer?"

"Nah, I was just thinking about the reasons a group of guys would put in the work to make a spell like that while still in school."

Sirius laughed. "Yeah, you got that part right. At least I have room to stretch out back here now...I think we'll have to borrow a motorcycle or a broom to find your backseat though. I'd cast a summoning charm, but I'm a little afraid to use any magic around you now."

Xander nodded. "Yeah, that's probably for the best. Let me grab you something to lay on, from the trunk, providing its the same size."

"Should be, but then this wasn't supposed to happen either."

Xander grabbed his keys and opened the trunk, only to find it had indeed been changed, although not nearly on the same scale, since all his stuff was still centered on where it had been and was only about five feet down, regardless of the fact he couldn't see how far the other three walls were from him despite the sunlight that was streaming in. Climbing in he tossed out a pillow and a sleeping bag before awkwardly clambering back out.

The entire situation was rather bizarre and made him wonder if he attracted the weird the way the hellmouth attracted demons.

Xander ducked down and stepped into the back seat, glad the floor was still level where it should have been even if the roof was out of sight somewhere above him. "Here's a sleeping bag and a pillow. If you need anything, roll down the window and reach forward to tap on mine and I'll pull over. I don't think I'm close enough to hear a yell up there."

Sirius nodded as he rolled out the sleeping bag and stood on it. "I really appreciate what you've done for me," Sirius said gratefully.

Xander shrugged. "Considering you've given me more interior space than the Astrodome, I'd have to call us even. Well, after we find my backseat anyway – my favorite sword was under it."

Sirius grinned at Xander, turning into a black dog and turning around three or four times before laying down on the sleeping bag.

Xander nodded as if this all made sense, before returning to the front seat and getting back on the road.

'Yep, it's definitely me,' he thought to himself.

**AN: Everyone thank godogma for typing this up for me or who knows when I would have posted it! **


	7. Chapter 7

**Not really the best weather for them or Location, Location, Location**

'Man,' Xander thought to himself, as he drove past another abandoned car, 'it's like driving through the middle of nowhere in one of those zombie movies me and Jesse used to love. I remember how Willow used to squeal and crawl into my lap...'

Xander shook off memories of happier times through an effort of will and concentrated on his driving. Glancing at the clock he couldn't help but think they should have reached some sign of civilization by now like an outlet mall or… His musings were interrupted as he crested a hill by the sight of a mall.

The sun was beating down on him like he owed it money and the A/C may have kept things cool, but he knew he had to pick up some sunscreen or he was going to end up sunburned on his arms, if nowhere else. So, he happily took the exit to the mall.

Hopping out of the car and gratefully stretching his legs, he enjoyed the quiet.

He popped open the back door and looked into the vast expanse of what used to be his back seat – waking the dog, who cocked an eyebrow at him.

"Hey Sirius, found a mall – thought you might like to come in and pick up some lighter clothes and food etc. They might even have some payphones, so you can check in with your family."

The dog perked up, quickly transforming back into a man. "Padfoot."

"What?" Xander asked curiously.

"When I'm a dog, I go by Padfoot."

"Ah, favorite form?" Xander guessed.

Sirius shook his head and climbed out of the car. "It's my animagus form. How should I put this… If I were born an animal, that's who I would be. Padfoot is my inner animal, the only 100% safe form I can change into."

"I thought you had a dozen choices or so and dog was the winner, still dog is one of the two I'd go with. The other one would be something with wings and of course my pornimagus form."

"It has the word porn in it, therefor I am both interest and intrigued." Sirius grinned, enjoying the banter as it distracted him from his lingering worries about Harry.

"Well my pornimagus form, would be me if I were born to be a pornstar and his name would be Rockhard Ballzilla."

Sirius grinned. "Ok, now I know what I'm going to spend the next six months mastering. How does one become a pornimagus?"

Xander shook his head. "Sadly, I have no idea, either the technique has been lost in the sands of time… Or I made it up."

The British mage sniffed. "Such a wonderful technique, lost to the sands of time, I swear by my magic – I shall reinvent it!"

Xander blinked at the blue aura that formed around Sirius for a moment. "What was that aura about?"

"It signifies a magical vow, if I fail in my vow my magic will punish me for it."

"Isn't that dangerous?"

Sirius shrugged. "I didn't say when I would do it. The only way for this vow to hurt me, would be for me to swear not to do it – so I'm safe and it was cool looking."

"Point. Speaking of cool looking, I'd suggest ditching the robes if you have something on underneath – I don't think robes are quite the fashion of choice around here."

Sirius tossed his robe into the car, revealing clothes that were probably in fashion in England, some eighty years before. "So, how do I look?"

Xander looked him over. "You look like a timetraveller or someone's grandfather who found the fountain of youth and decided to go out on the town the day after. On the plus side, you're less likely to be arrested, but watch out for old people, they'll torture the secret of the fountain from you in short order."

"I'll be on my guard," Sirius swore with a grin.

"Excellent, now let's see what the mall has by way of food and drink."

As they walked through the parking lot they both slowed down and searched the shadows.

"Somethings off," Sirius offered.

"Yeah," Xander nodded. "It's too quiet and all these cars look like they've been here a while. There are weeds growing in the cracks in the sidewalk. The lights are on, but I don't think we'll find anyone home."

Sirius scratched his head. "I've seen magical places like this, where the place was hidden with magic and cursebreakers brought the wards down, finding that the people who'd lived there had died long ago – but never in a muggle place."

"Muggle?"

"Non-magical."

"Just say non-magical or norms, muggle sounds like something is wrong with them."

"Really?"

"How about since they outnumber mages, we call all the magical people mage-holes?"

"Norms it is."

"Yeah, this place looks like it got the sleeping beauty treatment…"

"The draught of endless sleep could have someone powering the wards until they died, but someone should have wandered by in the meantime."

"Unless there were spells preventing others from entering and we fit the criteria for entering or the spell failed really recently."

"What do you figure the odds are for them to fail as we show up?" Sirius asked, scratching his head with his wand.

"With me along, pretty good… I'm the universe's buttmonkey, if something strange or unusual happens it'll happen to me more often than not."

"Lots of bad luck?"

"Lots of good and bad luck. Let's just say, I'll get in the best bad situation available. Like when my beautiful science teacher invited me to her place after school…"

"Way to go!" Sirius cheered.

"And then chained me up in the basement," Xander sighed.

"Still not seeing the bad here."

"And then turned into a giant preying mantis, who wanted to devour me alive after sex."

"Ouch." Sirius winced.

"Or the beautiful Incan hottie that turned into a life sucking mummy."

"Let's hope we don't have to deal with that here."

"Yeah, this is more like the setting for radioactive mutants… Or zombies."

"Think we're being a bit paranoid?"

"Nah, at the very least it'll turn out that some fear demon scared everyone here to death and its aura keeps everyone else from coming in."

"Then why are we here?"

"I could say being fearless manly men with balls of steel, but really – lack of common sense," Xander replied with a grin.

"We could turn around and leave," Sirius said half heartedly.

"Really?" Xander asked curiously.

Sirius sighed heavily. "Nah, if it turned out someone was still alive and trapped…"

"Yeah, I really wish I had my sword right about now, but my backseat is probably a couple of miles away."

"Think we can put off going in a bit longer?"

"It's not quite noon yet, so we can put it off till then or we can look around for some weapons while we wait."

"I have my wand, so I'll stick with spells. Frankly I was never that good with staves or swords."

"Will your magic work right around me? I mean, the last spell you did went kablooey."

Sirius shrugged. "I was kind of out of it and we weren't all that far from the Veil, I'm betting that had something to do with it."

"Start small and let's see."

Sirius held up his wand and said, "Lumos!" quickly followed by "Nox!"

Xander and Sirius sat blinking for a couple of minutes.

"I think you'll have to put a lot less into your spells, unless of course that was the desired effect."

"No, that was about five times stronger than what I was going for, but it did work fine."

"Well, I can see again, so let's try an offensive spell, but put practically nothing into it."

"Agreed," Sirius waved his wand at a discarded soda can, "Diffindo!" and watched in amazement as an almost solid silver edge cut through the can and into the pavement.

"Wow, suddenly I'm no longer worried as much. Just don't shoot at anything I'm behind, or any gas lines, or power lines… Ok, now I'm worried again."

Sirius rolled his eyes and cast Diffindo again, putting no strength behind it only to watch in shock as a normal strength Diffindo cut the can and barely scratched the concrete.

"That's much better!" Xander declared with a grin. "I no longer fear you saving me."

"I could've been evil like the rest of my family, but nooo – I had to be better than them, I hate people for who they are, rather than who their parents were. Oh well, at least the good guys get the chicks." Sirius grumbled.

"That's a lie."

"What's a lie?"

"That the good guys get the chicks, you have to be a reformed evil guy. You see if you were born knowing that beating babies to death with a baseball bat is wrong, then girls think of you as one of the girls. However if it used to be your hobby and families by the dozen have been destroyed before you realized it was wrong, then you're the man they all want."

"Wow, bitter much?"

"Just a tad."

"There's a story behind that, which you should probably get off your chest. I'm just fairly sure I don't want to hear it," Sirius said firmly.

"I'm pretty sure I don't want to talk about it either, but I'll probably bitch about it every now and again."

"Can I at least be drinking or preferably drunk, so I can pass out afterward with no memory of the conversation?" Sirius whined.

"Are you a violent drunk?"

"Nah, I tend to laugh a lot and screw up the punchlines of at least half my jokes."

"Then sure."

"Have we put off going in long enough?" Sirius asked.

Xander sighed. "Yeah, I think we've stalled about as long as we can without endangering our man cred."

"I'll go first, since my magic's working and you're unarmed."

"Fine, but first stop is a hardware store or someplace similar so I can acquire an axe."

"You good with an axe?" Sirius asked.

"Not as good as a sword, but I'm not bad. When it comes to removing limbs and splitting heads an axe works better. Plus, fire axes are standard emergency equipment most places and are sold in a lot more places than swords are."

"Wizards use magic for most things and I've never looked into how mug… norms do things," Sirius said, avoiding calling them muggles, as he didn't like the idea of being called a mage-hole, though he was looking forward to calling Snape one.

Sirius fell silent as they reached the front door of the mall, both of them listening intently but heard nothing. Looking through the crud caked glass doors didn't show anything aside from chains holding them closed and wood behind the glass.

"Ok, that removes the slightest sliver of doubt that we might just be paranoid," Xander muttered.

"As one of my old teacher's said 'paranoia is a mental illness so be sure to call what I'm training you lot in Constant Vigilance!'"

"Let's see how the other entrances held up, no use forcing our way in here if someone has already done it for us somewhere else."

"Good point that."

They got back in the car and circled the mall, finding the doors to the loading dock open, but opened outward not inward, showing someone had fled – shoving the barricade material down and wedging the doors open.

Xander parked well back from everything in the bright noonday sun. "I'm thinking whatever happened happened already and they rushed out the back."

"That means we don't have to go poking our noses into the whole thing right?" Sirius asked hopefully.

"Nope, still have to check, just in case, but I'm going to tentatively guess that it's been at least a few years since anyone has been here. Anything with a brain would have closed the back doors, and anything without would have wandered out them, looking for something to eat."

"Or it could be a huge trap that opens every couple of years to catch the unwise and foolish."

Xander nodded. "If so we shouldn't keep them waiting."

"I notice you still aren't moving."

"Yep, I feel naked without a weapon – and its making it more difficult for me to screw my courage to the sticking point," Xander replied as they both stood staring into the darkened interior.

"What exactly does 'screw your courage to the sticking point' mean, anyway?"

"Don't know, I've always thought it had something to do with sex. So I tell myself that, if I do this I'll get laid," Xander said.

Sirius grinned. "Suddenly I feel a whole lot braver."

"Yeah, but I usually have some sort of weapon. I'd accept a two by four, but a baseball bat would be nice – one of the metal ones."

Sirius decided to show off a bit, taking a sickle out of his pocket and flipping it into the air – transfiguring it into just such a bat, however he missed the catch and it fell, only to bounce back up and smack him in the shin.

Xander watched Sirius curse and rub his shin, giving the bat a few practice swings. "That was cool as hell, right up until you missed."

"Yeah, I know!"

"Well, time's a wastin' and now that I have a weapon, I'll go first," Xander said, not wanting to put it off any longer, went first with Sirius following close behind.

The first thing that they noticed was that the lights were still on, along with the A/C.

"I'm feeling a bit better about this now," Sirius declared cheerfully.

"Why?"

"Well, before it was going to be searching for certain death in a warm dark mall, now we're searching for certain death in a cool well lit mall. Comfort makes all the difference."

Xander rolled his eyes. "I've done things like this for the past four years and the only certainty about it, is that nothing is certain."

"That clouds things up nicely, thanks."

"Always happy to help."

Xander stopped and pointed at a desiccated corpse with its head split open. "It was zombies."

"How can you tell?"

"The head's split open, but there aren't any large pools of blood in the area and one arm was severed, but you can see where it kept coming – ignoring the arm."

"How do you know it wasn't a vampire?" Sirius asked.

Xander gave him a strange look. "The body for one, a vamp would have turned to ash if they'd decapitated it. An axe to the head and the removal of one arm just slows them down."

"That's just one of those strange mug – norm's tales. Vamps don't dust unless you leave the body out in the daylight to burn itself to ash. I should know, I had to deal with renegade vamps when I was an auror… that is, magical policeman."

"That's strange, because every vamp we've run across or even heard of, dusts when staked and what do you mean renegade?"

"Renegade vamps, you know, ones who've broken the law and fed on unwilling people or used their powers to enslave others."

"I think we're talking about two different things here, the vamps I'm talking about are soulless corpses inhabited by a bloodbound demon and they turn to ash the instant they're staked."

"My vampires are people who were bitten and turned, the same people – just with some darker impulses added."

"You haven't heard of Chaos Demons, Brachen, or Polgara demons have you?" Xander asked curiously.

"Doesn't ring a bell, why?"

"Because they're really common demons where I'm from and well known to the magical community."

Sirius sighed. "So one of us is nowhere near home, and considering it was me who fell through the Veil…"

"Yeah, I'm guessing the Veil sends people where they can't get back. I can ask Giles for a way to get you back, but the most we've dealt with is an alternate timeline so, I think you're stuck…Sorry."

"Not your fault… So, lots of demons?"

"Yep, and 99 out of a hundred consider humans food or something to play with."

"Sure we're not in Hell?"

Xander shrugged. "Considering we've been keeping the gateway to it closed for a couple of years… Maybe?"

"Well, that's something at least."

"Pretty girls and booze both still exist."

Sirius began to smile, appreciating Xander's attempt to cheer him up. "That proves it then, we're not in hell – let's get cracking and solve this mystery."

"That's the spirit Scooby! Let's head this way," Xander said leading them into the service halls behind the stores of the mall.

The two stepped around and over the occasional dead zombie, easily distinguishable from their undead counterpart by the missing or split skulls, until they came upon a door which was battered and half off its hinges.

"Beats a trail of breadcrumbs," Sirius muttered.

"Yeah, with this trail – even if birds tried to eat what was left behind we could follow the bones."

"You are a very morbid guy." Sirius chuckled.

"Comes with the territory, you can either laugh or cry and crying makes it harder to hit what you're aiming at," Xander said cheerfully, as he pulled the door open, only to have it come loose from the other hinge and almost hit him in the face.

Sirius held back his laughter, knowing it was partly nerves, but feeling a bit better.

The music playing low in the background was rather bland and reminded Sirius more of the Wizarding Wireless than of any muggle music he'd ever heard before.

"Elevator music," Xander muttered while taking in the trail of knocked over displays and racks of clothes from the center of the mall toward the back door.

"I'd have to say being a zombie tracker is easier than anyone ever let on, I know hit wizards who talked about how hard it was to track the living dead, while it tirelessly trekked across the plains, ignoring any obstacle in its path… I've had them walk away with girls I'd spent all night trying to score with. If I ever get back I'm so going to blow them out of the water," Sirius growled as they exited the store and entered the mall proper.

"Thou shalt not be a cock blocker!" Xander intoned gravely, his voice echoing throughout the mezzanine.

"I don't mean I'm going to expose them as frauds, I mean I'm going to top them – one moving zombie and the man's rule of being able to exaggerate anything by 300% when in the pursuit of sex…"

"You mean like that one!" Xander said, drawing Sirius' attention to the lurching corpse, arms outstretched to rend and tear charging at him.

Sirius froze, he'd forgotten what it was like to see inferi – twisted mockeries of humanity that desired nothing more than human flesh to feast upon. The zombie was so close that freezing up like he did was a fatal error and he knew it.

"That is the fastest zombie I've ever seen!" Xander said admiringly. "I mean of the non-intelligent brain eating type."

Sirius blinked and looked down at the attacking zombie, who was no closer to him that it was a moment. "It's running down the up escalator?"

"Yeah, wonder how long its been doing that?"

"I don't know, but it almost scared the piss out of me. I thought I was a goner."

"One zombie?" Xander scratched his head.

"One zombie about ten feet away!" Sirius defended himself.

"Maybe I'm jaded." Xander sighed. "I'm used to fighting vamps with just wooden stakes as weapons and I'm not talking one on one either – about half the time we outnumber them, the other half they outnumber us."

Xander stepped on the up escalator, much to Sirius' shock and brought the bat up. "Personally, zombies, especially brainless ones, are about the least scary things I've run into."

Xander's swing hit the zombie at chest level, flinging the zombie up the escalator as if it were shot from a cannon and splattering it against the ceiling.

"Wow!" Xander and Sirius said as one.

"I think I love this bat," Xander said happily, figuring Sirius had enchanted it to magnify the force of impact.

"It's pretty solid," Sirius agreed, thinking Xander was so strong that most weapons probably came apart on him.

Xander quickly skipped back down the escalator and took a look around. "Man! I don't even recognize any of the names of these stores."

"Well at least shopping will be a lot cheaper." Sirius grinned. "Or is there something in the good guy code against that?"

"The good guy code isn't so much law as suggestion," Xander said, causing Sirius to smirk.

"So… Loot away?" Sirius asked hopefully.

"Depends. If this place is as abandoned as it looks, feel free to loot it to the bedrock, but if this is just some weird magical thing, causing it to look abandoned…" Xander scratched his chin.

"Just what we need." Sirius sighed, face falling as he saw his chance to loot the place go up in smoke, thinking, 'They never let me loot any of the places we busted as Aurors either.'

"Plus two carts." Xander grinned. "Its more than fair for clearing a place of zombies, but of course we have to make sure the place is cleared of them first."

"Aye aye sir!" Sirius saluted, whipping out his wand and saying, "Point me, zombies on this property!"

The both watched as the wand lazily spun in circles.

"Does this mean we're surrounded? Or there are no zombies in the mall?" Xander enquired.

"The latter, it's clean of zombies…So, loot?" Sirius asked excitedly.

Xander nodded. "We close and replace the barricade for the back doors, so we don't get snuck up on first, then we can relax and do some looting."

"I like this plan; it's simple, it's direct and it ends with looting!"

"You just love that word don't you?" Xander asked amused.

"Hell yeah! I was told I couldn't be a pirate growing up, that I was born far too late, but I've managed to do a fair amount of wenching in my time and even made a greasy git walk the plank. Shame they turned my sharks back to seabass before he hit the water, but I've never gotten a chance to loot and plunder before."

Xander shrugged. "Loot away, but I'm fairly sure plundering requires women."

Sirius nodded. "Always hope for the best. I'm hoping there are sales girls in here somewhere." Turning back into a black dog, and sniffing the air Sirius went off nose in the air in search of plunder to go with the booty.

**AN: Thank godogma for typing this up!**


	8. Chapter 8

**Walking in the Shadows – Everything Must Go!**

Xander chuckled as Sirius ran off, barking excitedly in dog form, until Sirius let out a series of yelps that brought him running.

Xander rounded a corner and found Sirius, human once more, rolling on the ground rubbing his eyes.

"I'm sorry!" a copper haired woman from the fragrance stand exclaimed. "I didn't know you were a human. I thought you were a dog that wandered in and I didn't want you peeing on the corner of my stand. A fragrance stand that smells like urine only attracts a limited client base. I'll show you my breasts if you promise not to sue!"

Sirius immediately froze his eyes still clenched shut to avoid being maced with perfume. "That would be a clear unobstructed view for at least 30 seconds, yes?"

"Fifteen seconds, that's enough time to engrave it firmly in your memory and still minimize the chances of getting arrested for public indecency," she said firmly.

"Tough but fair," Sirius agreed. "Now, where can I find some water to wash my eyes out with so I can see them clearly?"

"There's a water fountain five feet behind you," she offered. "The water is kept at a nice cool 42 degrees and kept free from impurities by an advanced filtration system."

"You know a lot about the mall," Xander observed, attracting her attention.

"Oh! Goodie, a customer," she said, turning toward him and smiling widely as she saw him.

"Anya?" he asked, surprised to see her.

"No, Anya is my mother's name, my name is Penny. Have you seen mother?"

"Not for a couple of months."

"I haven't seen or talked to her in eight years, not since the whole Zombie Apocalypse thing happened."

Xander froze. "Zombie Apocalypse?"

"Yes, that's what the news called it. I was barricaded in here with half a dozen people but they weren't interested in buying anything and left after a couple of days, when a few zombies found a way in through the sewer system," Penny explained.

"And nobody since?" Xander asked.

"No, and mom picked the mall out especially for me so I could gain confidence too! I know she must be terribly disappointed," Penny worried.

"I sure she'd be proud of the way you survived and kept the stand open, while the other stores didn't do nearly as well," Xander promised her. "I mean, how many sales do you think they'll make with no staff?"

Penny immediately brightened up. "Really?"

"I'm positive. Anya is a very straight forward girl who refuses to give up."

Sirius came back with his head dripping water and a big smile on his face. "I promise not to sue, breasts please!"

Penny unbuttoned her blouse and held it open demonstrating the fact that she didn't believe in wearing a bra and her breasts were the very definition of the word 'perky'.

Sirius sighed happily when she closed her shirt. "That was wonderful, thank you."

Xander chuckled.

"Can I interest either of you in some cologne?" she asked happily.

* * *

The two travelers stared at the empty on ramp through the front windshield of the car.

"It doesn't feel right leaving her alone like that!" Sirius complained.

"I know, and if this was a normal situation I wouldn't, but she's been at that mall since she was like... ten. She's comfortable and happy there, and most importantly she's safe there."

"Safe? I thought it was some weird trap?" Sirius asked.

"I checked out a bookstore while you were trying to talk her into leaving, and they had the latest calendars for sale when the zombies attacked."

"Yeah, and?"

"They were dated 2019. Penny is safe and happy where she is, so unless we can offer her something better, it's best to leave her here. I mean, it's not like we can bring the mall with us."

"That's not exactly true," Sirius said, beginning to grin.

Xander opened his mouth to say something but fell silent, not quite certain of what Sirius had in mind.

"Normally, I'd say I'd need two or three wizards of some power to do it, but right now I have power to burn. I can move the entire mall into the back seat in about ten minutes."

"You're serious?" Xander asked, stunned but willing to try. It wasn't like he was short on room after all.

"Yes, I am," Sirius said proudly, only to sigh when he realized that Xander hadn't caught the pun.

"Ok, let's do this," Xander said with a grin, making a quick U-turn.

"Stop here," Sirius ordered, as they reached the edge of the parking lot.

Xander put it in park and they both climbed out.

Sirius picked up four pebbles and tapped each one in turn with his wand, changing them into four tiny creatures; a badger, a snake, a crow, and a weird lion-bird thingy. He dropped them to the ground where they each grew to the size of a large dog and split up heading toward the mall.

"They're markers for the spell so I don't overshoot or get only part of the property," Sirius explained.

"What about plumbing and power?" Xander asked.

"Penny said everything's self-contained. It was designed that way since it's miles away from anything else."

"But still, how far down are you going and won't that make everything higher since you can't dig down into the floor of my car?"

"I'll make it like the back seat so everything matches up without affecting anything," Sirius promised.

"You can do that? Cool."

Sirius and Xander waited in silence for several minutes before Sirius looked up and grinned. "They're in position."

Waving his wand Sirius carefully said, "Bippity, boppity, boo!" letting out a bright blue magical pulse with each word.

Xander watched in amazement as the mall vanished along with the parking lot and all its contents, leaving a twenty foot deep hole in the ground. "That was..." Xander stopped. "Bippity, boppity boo?"

Sirius grinned. "Long complicated spells can be reduced to simple phrases with mnemonics. Harry's mother, Lily taught me that. Each letter is a word. Made it dead easy to remember the spell too."

"Wow, so what does bippity stand for?" Xander asked.

"No idea!" Sirius said proudly. "Can't remember it at all."

"Then how did you cast the spell?"

"Well, I don't have to know the meaning of the word for the spell to work, so I figured I didn't need to remember what it stood for so long as I remembered the mnemonic itself – and it worked, so I'm doing something right."

Xander nodded, thinking it sounded a lot like something he would come up with and went to look in the back of the car.

Sirius quickly hurried over to join him.

Popping open the back door on his side of the car, Xander waved Sirius in, they both stared at the vast expanse of blackness – searching in vain for the mall.

"I've lost my car in the mall before, but I've never lost the mall in my car!"

Sirius sighed. "It's in here somewhere." He placed his wand flat on his palm and said, "Point me – mall!" causing the wand to spin and point off to the left of the back door.

Squinting, he could just make out a tiny, tiny glimmer in the darkness.

"Ok, found it. It's about five or six miles in that direction and I believe the light poles in the parking lot are on."

Xander squinted and nodded. "We'll have to snag a moped or something so we can visit her, and may I say once again, thanks for the space. I could fit my entire home town in here!"

"Yeah, well it was as much the way magic works around you as it was me, because if I could do this on purpose, I'd be set for life."

Xander closed the door behind him as they both stepped out of the car again. "I think we can count this as looting something down to the bedrock."

"Excellent!" Sirius rubbed his hands together as he headed for the passenger side. "I wonder if we can fit any national land marks in there? Hey Xander, did you ever want your very own Statue of Liberty?"

Xander paused from where he was about to get in and looked over the roof of the car at Sirius. "That idea is both awesome and scary to a massive degree. Sure it's not the whole 'power corrupting' deal at work?"

They both got in and buckled their seat belts while Sirius thought about it. "You're talking about power corrupts and absolute power corrupts absolutely right?"

Xander nodded.

Sirius scratched his head thoughtfully/ "I don't think so. I'm pretty sure I've been inoculated against that with a fair amount of irresponsibility."

"How does that work?" Xander asked as he took the on ramp.

"The corrupt always go after more power by forcing others to follow them right?"

"Yeah, take over the world, yadda yadda yadda..."

"Well, responsibility makes me break out in hives. Can you imagine the amount of paperwork ruling even a small town would require? Hell, no!"

"Just checking; the whole stealing landmarks gig sounds like something a super villain would say."

Sirius grinned. "If the world had a lot of people, yeah, but I'm guessing there aren't a whole lot of people around to miss them and certainly not enough people to care for them. So really, we would just be preserving them and having some fun of course."

"You've got a good point there," Xander admitted. "And it's not like it wouldn't be fun and one of the craziest ideas ever."

"OK, I'll bite," Sirius said. "Why aren't you upset about going from home to Zombieland? I mean, I know why I'm not upset, I expected death and having to explain a lot of the boneheaded things I've done, so another couple of decades running around and thinking up excuses is fine with me, but why aren't you upset?"

"I'm from Sunnydale, the home of the Hellmouth," Xander said with a shrug. "If I don't show up by the end of summer, my friends will figure out what happened and find a way to bring me home."

"That's a hell of a lot of faith."

Xander smirked. "A little Faith goes a long way, especially on the Hellmouth. Willow managed to summon a vampire version of herself from an alternate dimension by accident, so summoning me on purpose? Not that big a deal. So, why the Statue of Liberty?" Xander asked.

"Well for one thing the smaller statue that the Frenchies based it on was enchanted to do a striptease." Sirius grinned.

Xander steered around an abandoned bus and turned to look at Sirius. "And you think the larger one will be as well?"

"Maybe not intentionally, but the law of sympathetic magic and contagion says it may be... but if it's not – I know the spell."

"We need a video camera," Xander said with a grin.

"What's a video camera?" Sirius asked.

"It's a technological device that records events in color and sound," Xander explained. "So you can watch them over again on a TV later."

"Cool!" Sirius said, hoping he'd used the word correctly.

"The Statue of Liberty is on the East Coast," Xander said, steering around a burned out wreck.

"Where are we?" Sirius asked.

"West Coast, but we're in no rush. There are lots of places to see."

"And Loot!" Sirius added happily.

"And Loot," Xander agreed. "Before we get there."

"We should probably grab a small hotel or something similar," Sirius said. "So we have someplace comfortable to sleep."

"And a bank," Xander added.

"Why a bank?"

"Because I always wanted to rob one when I was a kid and they are full of things like gold and jewels, which I can use to make amulets."

Sirius scratched his head. "Magical banks are filled with gold and jewels. Mugg – norm banks just have a lot of paper."

"You mean TV lied to me?"

"If you want gold and jewels in the normal world you have to either rob jewelry stores or rich people's homes."

"And museums!" Xander said suddenly.

"Museums?" Sirius asked curiously.

"Yeah, museums – not only do they contain boring things they also contain gold and jewels from dead cultures."

Sirius grinned. "And we'll want to stock up on food and such since we didn't loot the mall, to avoid upsetting Penny."

"Yeah and..." Xander glanced down at the dash and sighed. "We need gas, it's on empty and I could swear it was full just before I picked you up."

"If it runs out, I'll use magic to push it to the station," Sirius promised.

Sirius entertained himself, by flipping broken down vehicles off of the road with a flick of his wand, while Xander kept an eye out for potholes until they reached a service station.

Jake's Truck Stop was a lot more modern than Xander had expected and amazingly enough it still had power.

Xander and Sirius stepped out of the car and looked around – though there were cars and semi's blocking most of the pumps there wasn't a single body to be seen. Scraps of clothes and bloody spots on the pavement sure, but no bodies.

A radio announcers voice issued from speakers on the pumps, advertised some product to clean floors and use as a dessert topping before playing a top ten list that Xander was sure had been playing for a very long time.

The label 'pump then pay' made Xander grin, since it meant he wouldn't have to go inside and mess with things. It took Xander a minute to figure out the touch screen and what gas to use, since the station carried twenty different types including a gas insured to be cruelty free to penguins for some odd reason.

Xander slotted the pump in place and locked down the handle, so it'd pump until the tank was full. Turning to Sirius he found him holding a slowly spinning wand.

"No free roaming zombies within a couple of miles," Sirius announced cheerfully. "So let's go see what's inside."

Xander nodded, the Twinkies and beef jerky would still be good if nothing else.

The gas pump clicked past a thousand dollars behind them unnoticed.


	9. Chapter 9

**Walking in Shadows Chapter 9**

**TN:(A continuation! Will wonders never cease … now if he'd just continue the Xander dresses as Batman YAHF... or Reflections of the Sun...)**

"Beef Jerky and Twinkies should still be good, even if it's been over a decade," Xander said as he headed for the entrance.

"Really? I can't think of any magical food that lasts that long without preservation spells. Well, maybe Hagrid's rock cakes..." Sirius mused thoughtfully as he followed Xander.

"Twinkies aren't really food, I mean they serve the same purpose as food, but really you could probably classify them as a mineral," Xander said proudly.

"Sounds a lot like Hagrid's rock cakes," Sirius smirked.

"And beef jerky is more like mummified meat, so it should be fine."

"Remus gave me a piece of beef jerky once; it was tough but good."

The automatic door opened at their approach releasing a wave of cool air.

As they stepped inside the moan of a zombie echoed around them loudly.

Xander whirled around, wishing he had brought his bat, while Sirius tried to point his wand everywhere at once.

After about a minute of not being attacked they both calmed down and Sirius held up his wand, "Luminous zombie orbeus." A single ball of light formed in the air and went through a blood stained glass partition where the store clerk should have been.

"My Latin sucks and even I can tell that wasn't really Latin," Xander commented dryly.

Sirius nodded. "Language helps you shape the spell by focusing your mind, plus magic likes doing the same thing over and over."

"If a bunch of wizards use the word luminous to make a room light up then they law of contagion says that any excess magic would be attracted to other wizards casting the same spell and make it easier to cast," Xander argued.

Sirius shrugged. "Damned if I know, never was that much into theory, but I do know that I can make a room darken using Lumos with a bit more effort, so as long as I don't mind using more magic I can use any words I like and shape the spell by intent and visualization and I've got magic to burn right now."

Xander nodded. "Makes sense, so only the one zombie?"

"Yeah, only the one or there would have been more orbs," Sirius agreed as they looked at the dried bloodstains and knocked over displays at the front.

"Can you take out the zombie without blowing the place up?" Xander asked cautiously, recalling Sirius' earlier attempts at magic, but annoyed at the zombie's moans since the zombie cashier was in front of the live microphone for the store's PA system.

"I can try," Sirius offered, silently casting a couple of clean and repair charms so they'd be able to see the dim shape behind the glass clearly.

Racks of chips and soda displays straightened themselves as dirt and bloodstains vanished, leaving the entire store gleaming like new.

The zombie behind the glass was briefly visible as the glass was cleaned before the magic rolled over the zombie, vanishing its flesh and leaving a gleaming white skeleton to clatter to the floor.

"Wow," Xander said, "that's a useful spell to get rid of zombies and clean the windows. The polished bones are a bit creepy, but better than zombies dropping bits of themselves everywhere."

"I'm overpowering spells to a frightening degree," Sirius said with the calm of a man in a deep state of shock.

Xander walked over to one of the glass front display cases and opened it up, pulling out a small bottle of something brown and flammable. He screwed the top off and handed it to Sirius.

Sirius took a slug then winced and shook his head. "Merlin's hairy balls that's strong! What the hell is it made out of?"

Xander took the bottle back and examined the label. "Mostly apples, it doesn't say what else. Just a warning not to mix it with water and not to let it contact a number of other substances or to expose it to open flame or expose a person who'd drank more than a jigger of it to open flame for at least eight hours – probably a joke label."

"I don't think I want to test it," Sirius said seriously but much recovered.

"Well at least you know one spell that's non-destructive and takes out zombies," Xander said cheerfully, "just stick to that and the power intensive ones and you'll be fine... save practicing the others until we have a lot of open space and room to duck."

"It'll be dangerous," Sirius warned him.

"Will we get cool light shows and explosions?" Xander asked eagerly, trying to sound like a little boy.

Sirius chuckled. "Yep and if we're lucky we won't be part of them."

"Danger is my middle name," Xander said in a poor imitation of James Bond, who Sirius didn't know anyway, "or it will be when I get the papers to legally change it."

Sirius laughed. "Fine we'll worry about it later when we have some time, for now grab a bag and fill it with food like items while I loot this place."

Xander rolled his eyes but couldn't help snickering when Sirius started chanting loot again; ignoring him for the moment Xander quickly filled a large duffel bag with the majority of the snack food aisle. He never noticed he'd started chanting loot as well until they'd stepped outside.

The pavement was sparkling clean and even the abandoned semis looked like they'd just been polished. "You do good work," Xander said with a grin.

"Yes I do," Sirius said as pompously as he could before laughing.

Xander opened the passenger side back door and stepped inside. "Unless you know how to magically create food we should stockpile, in case survivors have already stripped areas we're passing through bare."

Sirius nodded as he entered. "I can magically conjure food, but its got no nutritional value so you can starve to death on it if you're not careful."

"Good to keep the weight down though," Xander pointed out as he set the bag down and unzipped it to grab some snacks.

Sirius held his bag but stepped aside from the door as a series of boxes and display cases waddled in on tiny little legs. "I love magic."

"I thought you were worried about casting spells?" Xander asked amused.

"Animated transfiguration takes a lot of power, as does making it permanent," Sirius explained, "I even went a step further and did it silently – while chanting loot actually, but you get my meaning."

Xander nodded and looking around the dimensionally expanded space that had been his back seat as he asked, "Any way to put a bubble of light around the places we stick in here? Something that makes it look like they're still outside from the inside, but on the outside in here we can see them like a bubble?"

"Sure, but I'll have to be on site to do it; meaning I have to get to the mall first or cast it out here before I pop new properties in."

"Keep an eye out for a car or motorcycle lot, hmmm best make that a truck so we can move stuff as needed," Xander said thoughtfully.

Sirius nodded, having no real idea what he was talking about but figuring a good auto place would have them all anyway.

"I'm surprised there aren't more zombies," Sirius observed as they climbed out of the back seat.

"It's been about a decade since the incident began and zombies aren't exactly the most enduring creatures, unless they're indoors and protected from the weather they've probably all decayed and fallen apart by now," Xander replied.

"Never thought of that," Sirius said thoughtfully, "but then the ones I'm used to are created by dark wizards and generally have protections on them."

"Well the less problems the better as far as I'm concerned," Xander said as he walked around to the front and looked at the pump, "and I think we have a problem."

"What's wrong?"

"Pump's screwed up, it says its pumped over a hundred gallons of gas into my tank."

"How's that a problem?" Sirius asked.

"I only have a fifteen gallon tank," Xander replied and grabbed the hose, frowning thoughtfully; "fuel's still running through it and I don't see a puddle anywhere."

Sirius nodded. "Probably got expanded like the back seat."

"Guess we won't have to stop for gas all that often then," Xander observed cheerfully with a grin.

"Guess not," Sirius agreed in the same tone, "so, what's the plan?"

"I figure we head for Hollywood; grab some of the better mansions and hotels, maybe another mall or two for supplies and then head for major landmarks."

"Which ones?" Sirius asked excitedly.

"The Smithsonian, Disneyland, World's Biggest Ball of Twine, you know the classy stuff."

"Graceland?" Sirius asked hopefully.

"As long as we have the space we might as well fill it up," Xander replied with a grin.

"Yes!" Sirius cheered, doing his own version of the Scooby dance.

Xander snickered and the pump started beeping, letting them know that they were now out of the type of gas he'd selected. "One hundred and twenty three gallons," he said thoughtfully, "of premium penguin safe. That should get us to the east coast easy."

"Then let us be off," Sirius said, hopping into the front seat.

Chuckling Xander flipped off the pump so it'd stop beeping at him as he put the nozzle back in place and tightened the gas cap down.

**Two hours later … **

"Man, traffic sucks," Xander remarked as Sirius stacked cars to the side with a wave of his wand in between casting Reparo spells on the roadway.

"Talk about deadlock," Sirius commented causing Xander to groan.

0oOo0

"Isn't that a movie studio where they shot that movie about a big shark?" Sirius asked, recalling Lily talking the guys into seeing it and laughing as they screamed like little girls at the scary parts.

"Yep, wanna steal it?"

"Oh yeah!"

**Several spells later …**

The two stepped into the back of the car and looked around for the major movie studio theme park they'd just acquired.

"Anything?" Sirius asked.

"Nada, you?"

"Nope! Point me movie studio!" Sirius ordered, his wand spinning in his hand to point towards the rear of the car.

"Still nothing," Xander replied, straining his eyes.

"I cast a weather ward around it," Sirius said, "so … it's god knows how far away in here if we can't see it."

"How big is this place?" Xander asked, obviously stunned.

"No idea," Sirius shrugged, "but I'm guessing very; which just means more room. Hell we could steal national parks!"

Xander raised an eyebrow. "National parks?"

"Yeah," Sirius said thoughtfully with a far off look in his eye, "imagine having your own forest."

"The bigger the tree the deeper the roots go," Xander warned, "and I can't say much for our sanity that we're considering it."

"We've misplaced everything we've ever cared about and we're on a world where most, if not all, of the human race was eaten by zombies," Sirius pointed out, "plus we're on vacation! What better time to go nuts and cut loose?"

Xander nodded and snagged the bottle Sirius had been about to drink from taking a swig before handing it back. "What if we grab a park that's too big to fit?"

"I'm not sure that's possible," Sirius replied.

"Well, if I'm going crazy at least I'll have company," Xander mused with a grin as Sirius passed him the bottle again.

**AN:Typing by Godogma, who really puts a lot of effort into working on my fics with me!**


	10. Chapter 10

**Walking in Shadows 10**

"I need to stretch my legs and water the bushes a bit," Sirius announced as they were passing through one of the seedier sections of LA.

Xander pulled over. "Not a bad idea, I could use a break myself. Do a quick scan for zombies, if you don't mind, the last thing we need is to get caught with our pants down."

Sirius nodded and waved his wand while muttering something. After a few seconds he nodded to himself and spoke up, "Three over a mile away and they're trapped and unable to move. I think they're locked in a big freezer."

"Should be safe enough for an hour or so then," Xander said climbing out of the car.

Sirius picked a storefront at random and wandered in to look for a bathroom. "Woohoo!" came his cry of joy a second later.

Xander stopped in mid-stretch and entered the Raunch O'Mart to see what had Sirius so excited.

"Porn!" Sirius beamed at Xander. "Beautiful, beautiful porn!"

Xander looked around the sex shop. "The porn is nice, but not all that amazing."

"I spent about a decade locked up for a crime I didn't commit, locked into a place completely devoid of porn and the final year or so of my life locked in my childhood hell, err I mean home, with only my childhood porn collection for comfort," Sirius explained, "so the chance to see new porn, even if it's not the kind I'm used to, is cause for celebration."

"What kind of porn are you used to?" Xander asked, his curiosity at what magical porn would be like making his mind run in a hundred different directions.

"Mostly like the magazines I see here, but a bit more restrained and in black and white, but ours moved and responded to the viewer," Sirius explained, "and except for the occasional vela, none of the girls looked that hot," he finished while pointing at a Playboy Girls of Summer calendar.

"I could so revolutionize the magical world's porn industry," Xander said thoughtfully, "but that's neither here nor there. Let me show you how to run one of those … DVD players and I'll give you some privacy."

"DVD players?" Sirius asked.

"Yeah, never heard of one before, but it's probably easy to figure out, otherwise they wouldn't sell well."

"But what is it?" Sirius asked his confusion plain.

"Moving porn in color with sound, but it doesn't respond to the viewer," Xander explained.

"Wow!"

The DVD player turned out to be a lot like a laser disc player and was easy for Xander to figure out and show Sirius how to work it. "This is supposed to have over six hours of college cuties," Xander said as an FBI warning came on the screen that he couldn't fast forward through.

The big screen in the middle of the store along with all the smaller screens mounted around the store began showing bouncing breasts to a drooling Sirius who never even noticed when Xander left.

0oOo0

Xander chuckled and retrieved his bat from the car. Sure Sirius said there were no zombies near, but he'd be occupied for hours if Xander was any judge, and there was always a chance of running into something else.

Examining the vehicles around him he couldn't help but admire the obvious advances that had been made over the new cars at home.

He pulled up on the door handle of a sports car, but it was locked and the door didn't open, instead the side of the car lifted half a foot off the ground and the handle snapped off in his hand causing him to stumble back and fall on his ass.

"Advanced design and Styrofoam construction," Xander muttered, shaking his head as he got back up. He knew they'd switched from steel to fiberglass in the late eighties, which is one of the reasons he'd bought an older vehicle, and apparently they'd continued that trend.

Xander shoved his bat through the passenger side window and was unsurprised when it shattered without any real effort on his part. He really loved the enchantments on his bat.

Opening the door from the inside he dusted glass fragments off a laptop computer and grabbed it along with the bag and DC plug that went with it.

Returning to his car he plugged it into the cigarette lighter and opened it up. He couldn't believe the boot up speed; it was under two minutes!

As with the DVD player it was easy to operate for anyone who'd used anything remotely similar, so Xander had no problems. In fact it took less than ten minutes for Xander to become comfortable with the interface and find his way around the system. "Hopefully it'll have some info on what happened, I know I'd have downloaded everything I could to read later if it happened to me."

0oOo0

Sirius stepped out of the sex shop with a smile on his face and a spring in his step. Snatching four leaves off a nearby bush he swiftly transfigured them into animated six foot tall statues of the Hogwarts' house animals and sent them to the four corners of the lot around the store.

It had been a simple matter to add Xander's modifications to Lily's transport spell, exchanging power for skill. "Yoink!" Sirius intoned, making the store and surrounding property vanish leaving a thirty foot deep hole.

Sirius grinned widely and went to find Xander, which turned out to be extremely easy as he was sitting in the front seat of the car playing solitaire on a laptop.

Xander looked up as Sirius climbed in the car. "I swear this game is more addictive than crack," he declared before closing the laptop and putting it away. "Ready to go?"

"Yep," Sirius replied cheerfully.

Xander looked over and saw the store was gone. "Is it closer to the back doors than the mall is?"

Sirius frowned. "I didn't think to check."

Getting out of the car they opened the back doors and poked their heads in.

"I got nothing," Xander said, "you?"

"Nothing here either, come around to my side."

Xander came around to the passenger side and they both stepped in.

"Point me, Porn!" Sirius commanded and his wand whirled around until it was pointed towards the ceiling.

Looking up they both searched but couldn't see anything.

"We need a telescope," Xander decided, "let's hit a pawn shop."

Stepping out of the back seat they blinked and let their eyes adjust to daylight again before Xander lead Sirius over to a small building that shared space with a bail bonds office and a cellular phone store.

Sirius hit it with cleaning and repair charms as they approached.

Entering the store, Sirius was surprised at how much it had in common with a magical pawn shop; swords and musical instruments were scattered about and even with everything fixed and cleaned it still felt disreputable.

Xander wandered around for a minute or two pausing to loot a jewelry case and pocket a couple of knives before grabbing a small telescope and heading back to the car. "Let's take the building too, if you don't mind."

"Not a problem," Sirius assured him, grabbing a handful of business cards on their way out. Tearing a card into four pieces he transfigured it into the same four statues as always to mark the property before casting, "Yoink!"

Xander snickered.

"What?" Sirius asked.

"At least you don't have the ego problems most magic users seem to get. I swear they go out of their way to try and make things seem as impressive as possible; I mean, it's magic it doesn't have to be more impressive!"

Sirius laughed. "That's what I always said and the usual response is to call me childish."

Xander shook his head. "It's tough being the voice of reason."

Sirius opened the back door of the car so Xander could climb in.

Xander took out an inscribing tool and engraved a quick series of runes across the lip of the telescope with the ease of long practice, before pricking his thumb and squeezing out a few drops of blood to coat them with.

Sirius looked a bit alarmed at the blood coated runes and even more so when Xander sprinkled a grayish powder on them from a pouch in his pocket.

Xander examined his work in detail before he took out a small notebook and paged through it, looking for something.

Sirius didn't know what to think, the nice young man next to him was using runes of blood and sacrifice; seriously dark magic, but he didn't seem dark at all.

Xander seemed to find what he was looking for as he carefully carved a series of three large runes down the body of the telescope. Examining the runes carefully one last time, Xander nodded to himself and began chanting.

Sirius felt all his hair stand on end as the air began to swirl around them carrying flecks of snow and a tang of iron.

The simple telescope on its tripod base seemed to swell and twist as snowflakes melted on it, making the blood on top run down to meet again at the bottom.

Xander finished his chant and examined the telescope, the tip of which was now a solid red, covered in tiny metallic runes, with some satisfaction.

Sirius watched with trepidation as Xander packed the larger rune cluster on the body of the telescope with ash and added a drop of blood to each rune; the ash seemed to soak up the blood darkening it until you couldn't see the runes against the black telescope unless you knew where to look.

"Okay," Xander said, "if I did this right it should be able to absorb and copy your point me spell so it'll point at whatever we want without having to have the spell recast."

"You used runes of blood and sacrifice to enchant a telescope?" Sirius asked, obviously disturbed.

Xander nodded. "Sure; remember my vamps are all demons that kill people for food and fun, so by killing them not only am I making the world a better place I'm also gaining a spell component that's steeped in blood and sacrifice, so a drop of fresh blood willingly shed a quick prayer and Odin is happy."

"I think you'd work better with the lighter runes considering your personality," Sirius said relaxing as he realized Xander wasn't hiding any Snape-like tendencies.

Xander nodded. "And if my life was anything normal I probably would be, but blood and sacrifice runes as well as shadow and silver, seem to work best for me."

"Never heard of anyone with conflicting gifts like that before; usually you only get one or the other."

"Well from Chaos comes Order and Order, Chaos so I look at it more as complementing sets rather than conflicting ones," Xander explained.

"Huh, that's a pretty unique point of view," Sirius said, scratching his chin, "well, just remember to deny knowing anything about runes if we hit a world with my kind of wizards. To them blood runes are just above sacrificing small children."

Xander nodded and watched Sirius cast the Point Me spell on the telescope, causing the runes on the body to glow blood red for a moment before fading into a reddish gold hue.

Placing a finger on the body Xander said, "Point Me, Porn!" causing the telescope to swivel up.

Putting his eye to it Xander grinned. "It's up there alright and it's surrounded by a bubble of light."

Xander stepped back and Sirius put his eye to the lens. "Huh, wonder why it didn't fall?" Xander mused.

Sirius shrugged. "No idea and it's way too far to Apparate to even if it was safe to Apparate in here … dammit."

"There are tons of adult stores in LA," Xander promised, "I'm sure if you teleport enough of them in here, one is bound to be close enough to reach when you want to."

"You wouldn't mind?" Sirius asked hopefully.

"We plan on stealing national landmarks and parks," Xander grinned, "we can easily fit a few dozen, or from the looks of things, a few hundred porn shops."

Sirius turned into Padfoot, bouncing up and down barking happily before racing out the door.

Xander chuckled and shook his head before following.

As they resumed their drive, Padfoot rode with his head out the window while Xander drove slowly so they could look for porn shops.

"Porn shop!" Xander announced, pointing at a shop on the side of the road.

Padfoot shifted back into Sirius and with a wave of his wand and a "Yoink!" the store vanished.

**Twenty three porno shops; eight comic book stores, six hotels, five pawn shops, four computer stores, four army surplus stores, two churches, and a library later … **

"Not even a little drained?" Xander asked in disbelief.

"Nope, still good," Sirius swore, absently casting cleaning and repair charms on the road in front of them.

"Okay, then lets test you on the larger things," Xander suggested.

**Three parks, two museums, and an art gallery later…**

"Still good!"

**Twelve porno stores; fifteen gas stations, thirty five private mansions, eighteen banks, eight toy stores, nine comic book shops, six movie rental stores, eighteen churches, twenty five fast food stands with amusing shapes, eight pool halls, twelve theaters, fifteen car dealerships, four major hospitals, eleven malls, six firehouses, three water parks, two opera houses, and a YMCA later … **

Sirius yawned loudly. "Okay, now I feel a bit drained; how about we climb in the back and find us some beds for the night?"

Xander looked at the darkening sky and nodded, pulling into a crowded parking garage and driving to the top floor.

The two climbed out and looked inside the backseat on their respective sides.

"I've got nothing remotely close," Xander reported from his side.

"I got one of those food places with a clown and a book shop, just a mile or so away."

"If we had some kind of transportation we could crash at Penny's Mall," Xander suggested, "it has working bathrooms and a nice furnishing store with new beds."

"Ever ridden a broomstick?" Sirius asked with a grin, as he recalled the summer the Marauders tried to make their own brooms.

"Is this the start of a gay joke?" Xander asked confused.

"No, I can enchant brooms to fly – it won't be as good as a professional model, but it'd work."

"Sounds uncomfortable," Xander replied, "how about flying carpets?"

"I've never tried to make a carpet fly before, but the charms are basically the same," Sirius admitted.

"Cool, so flying carpet to visit Penny?"

Sirius nodded and closed the door before joining Xander on his side.

"Where are we going to get a carpet?" Xander asked.

Sirius pulled out a business card and tapped it with his wand, causing it to grow into a large Persian carpet and dropped it to the ground.

Xander shook his head. "You've got more tricks than Merlin."

"Nah, but since the Veil I may be close to his strength. Now let's see what I can remember from making racing brooms."

Sirius spent a good five minutes casting spells in his horribly mangled Latin before nodding to himself. "Okay, hop on."

The two sat down and Sirius said, "Up!" causing the carpet to rise about five feet above the ground.

"Ready?" Sirius asked.

Xander suddenly had a bad feeling about riding the carpet and grabbed hold of the leading edge tightly, which apparently translated as yes to Sirius who did the same thing and shouted, "Go!"

The carpet shot forward so quickly they almost lost their grip as it carried the two now screaming men off into the darkness.

"This is even faster than the brooms we made!" Sirius enthused, "we've only got one problem."

"What?" shouted Xander over the wind.

"I'm great at go, but not so much at stop."

"Joy," Xander deadpanned drolly.

"Abandon carpet!" Sirius shouted as the lights of the parking lot approached rapidly.

Letting go of the carpet the two were immediately airborne, still shooting forward as they belly flopped onto the smooth black material below, and continued sliding forward. They finally stopped just short of the pavement and rolled onto their backs to release some of the heat they'd built up from sliding on their stomachs.

"Well, that went well!" Sirius declared cheerfully.

"That was well?" Xander asked incredulously, disbelief coloring his voice.

"Oh yeah, that went much better than the brooms. The trick is in the cooling, cushioning and stability charms on the rider," Sirius explained, "makes it loads safer."

"This was planned?"

"Yep, I'm great at braking charms … on things the size of a motorcycle or larger, not so much the smaller stuff."

"Next time, let me know in advance what you're planning," Xander said as he waited for his heart rate to return to normal.

"Will do!" Sirius promised as they stared at the ceiling. "They kinda look like stars," he said after a minute.

"Yeah," Xander agreed, "I can see at least a couple of the larger places and I think some are on the walls too."

"The spell wouldn't place them anywhere they'd be unstable," Sirius said thoughtfully.

"No offense, but trying to reach things on one of your carpets would probably kill us."

"None taken, I could enchant some motorcycles to do it safely, but that is long and careful work. It'd take me the better part of a week to just lay down and test the primary enchantments."

"Well, we have the time and somewhere in here we have the motorcycles."

Sirius stood up and waved his wand toward the parking lot, making a bubble of red light appear around it.

Xander climbed to his feet and looked at it. "Red?"

Sirius shrugged and they stepped into the parking lot.

It was like entering a whole new world, as they looked back the way they'd come and saw the sun setting in the desert. If they didn't know better they would have sworn they were back where they'd gotten the mall from.

Xander stepped out of the parking lot and found himself outside the bubble of red light looking in once more, entering it again he noticed the air even smelled like the desert. "At the moment wow seems like an understatement."

Sirius nodded. "Yeah, I did it and even I'm impressed. I love magic!" Waving his wand once more, he cast the usual clean and repair charms, brightening up the place and removing the barricades.

Entering the mall they found Penny singing show tunes into a microphone that fed into the PA system.

Penny flicked off the mic. "The mall is generally closed at sundown, but I'm always open for family and customers … oh and supplies! Did you need more cologne?"

"We're good for the moment," Xander replied, "we found nobody in LA and wanted to see if you minded us washing up and sleeping here for the night."

"They have working tubs on display in the 'Hot Tubbics' store as well as soap and hair care products," Penny suggested. "It's against store policy to bathe in the store, but the manager and a couple of salesgirls often did it after hours, so I suppose it would be alright. There are at least five stores in the first level alone with beds on display and as long as no one catches you sleeping there you should be fine, those stores generally don't open until after eight am anyway."

"Sounds wonderful," Sirius said as Penny led them to the store.

"Oh yes, I've even used the tubs there a time or two and I have to say that the hot water and bubbles are quite pleasant to soak in."

Penny opened the door to 'Hot Tubbics' and showed them a couple of hot tubs and how to operate them, before ducking into the employees only area and returning with a basket of bathing supplies and a bunch of towels. Giving them to the two men Penny sat on the edge of a tub and cheerfully waited for them to disrobe.

Xander had half expected this, seeing as she hadn't been around people for eight years and she was Anya's daughter.

Sirius seeing Xander disrobing shrugged and did the same, he'd never been all that shy anyway.

Penny smiled cheerfully and clearly approved of the view as she passed them soap or shampoo as requested, while making small talk, which since she was Anya's daughter included a frank assessment of their bodies.

Stepping out of the tub Xander was handed a towel and was dried and dressed in just a couple of minutes, while Sirius was still relaxing and playing with a conjured rubber ducky.

"Bedder than Good is two doors down," Penny said, pointing to the right direction, "if you choose one of the Princess Canopy beds and close the curtains, there's a good chance no one will notice you unless you snore. I would show you where it is myself but I'm planning to seduce Sirius so I want to catch him while he's naked."

Xander nodded, really not all that surprised. "Good plan, offer to help dry him off and use the old 'I didn't want to get my clothes wet' excuse for why you're naked while you do it."

"What about just stripping and hopping in the tub?"

"Water is the foe of lubrication," Xander pointed out. "See you two in the morning."

After Xander had left a speechless Sirius turned to find Penny already halfway undressed.

0oOo0

Xander paused and inscribed sanctuary and quietus runes on the door frame, figuring better safe than sorry.

Taking Penny's advice, Xander used one of the big Princess Canopy beds and briefly wished Sunday had come with him before quickly falling asleep.

0oOo0

"Wake up!" Sirius shouted, making Xander leap out of bed.

"I'm up! I'm up!" Blinking and looking around Xander frowned. "No fire?" he asked blearily.

"No fire," Sirius replied amused, "but it's been ten hours."

"I wasn't aware we had a schedule," Xander replied lazily as he got dressed.

"We don't, but we need to get out of here so I can get some rest!"

Xander snickered as Sirius complained, "I'm not kidding, I need a break!"

"She's Anya's daughter alright," Xander smirked.

"I'm out of shape," Sirius whined.

As they left the store Penny showed up. "Leaving so soon?"

"Yes, but we'll be back," Xander promised. "We're searching LA and the surrounding area for people, but no luck so far."

"Alright," she said agreeably before hugging Sirius and saying, "remember to bring me a shiny bauble when you return so my womanly skills are validated."

"One shiny bauble coming right up," Sirius promised, "I'm sure I can find something nice in LA."

"You're so sweet," Penny said giving Sirius a kiss, "have fun!"

"Will do," Sirius replied as they walked out the door.

Sirius blinked in the early morning light as Xander started looking in cars and feeling under bumpers.

"What are you doing?"

"Looking for keys, someone always manages to leave their keys in their car or has a spare key in a magnetic key hider under their bumper."

"Point me Keys!" Sirius said and the wand spun to point at Xander.

"Point me other keys!" Sirius tried again and followed the wand to a small red two seater.

Xander looked in the car and saw the keys were in the ignition, but the doors were locked. Sighing he took off his jacket and wrapped it around his right elbow before shattering the window like it was made of sugar. "I swear these guys may have great tech, but their cars are plastic and tinfoil."

Sirius waved and the doors unlocked.

"Oops?" Xander said, shaking his head as Sirius Reparo'ed the window.

"Magic is very versatile," Sirius said, waggling his eyebrows comically.

"Yeah, yeah … I'm gonna have to make my keys, master keys. I just haven't had the time to figure out the right rune cluster," Xander said as they buckled up and he started the car, which purred like a tiger on steroids.

Following the direction they entered they drove out into the darkness. Having no frame of reference, Xander's foot slowly went down on the gas until they rocketed along at a high rate of speed, despite the fact that they felt like they were sitting still.

Suddenly Sirius saw a glimmer of light approaching quickly and called out, "Door!"

Xander put on the brakes, but at the speed they were going on the smooth black surface the tires refused to grip and they were suddenly spinning like a top.

"Aaaah!" screamed the two men as the car spun into the wall and the world turned white.

The car finally came to rest upside down, scratched and dented and absolutely filled with some white foam like material.

It was only a moment later that the driver's side door exploded outward and the material crumpled around Xander's left arm as he burst his way out of the car. Shaking his head and spitting out white crap he regained his bearings and walked over to the passenger's side and ripped the door away like it was made of cardboard. before digging Sirius out of the foam.

"I prefer diving off a carpet to that," Sirius muttered, waving a hand and vanishing the stuff that was covering them.

Xander flipped the car back over without much difficulty. "It wasn't that bad, we didn't break anything."

"I think we broke gravity," Sirius said stunned as he stared at the back door which was set into the ground from their perspective instead of the wall and Xander's sleeping bag which was sprawled out on the wall instead of the ground.

"Oops?" Xander offered lamely.

**AN: Typing by Godogma!**


	11. Chapter 11

**Walking in Shadows Chapter 11**

"The stability charm!" Sirius exclaimed, realizing what had happened.

"The who the what now?" Xander asked, utterly confused.

"On a space this large the stability charms would make each large flat surface act like a floor."

"So my back seat ..."

"Is effectively four times the size we thought it was."

"And it's so big we're reduced to staring numbly in shock," Xander reminded him.

"Yep, so feel free to collapse into catatonia."

"So … how do we get down?" Xander asked with a chuckle.

"Pretend it's sticky and fling yourself at it," Sirius said.

Xander took a couple of steps back and made a running leap, managing to belly flop on what was now the floor to him. Rolling over on his back he saw Sirius casually step from the wall to the floor and look down at him.

"You can also simply step from one to the other, but it's not as much fun to watch."

"I can't believe I fell for that," Xander groaned.

"Yeah, but think about how much fun it'll be to pull it on someone else."

Xander laughed. "You have a point."

"Now, let's get on the road again and remind me to get a bauble for Penny."

Xander climbed to his feet and they both stepped out into the early morning chill.

"Brr, isn't California supposed to be warm?" Sirius asked, rubbing his shoulders and shivering.

"I'll turn on the heater," Xander promised as he slid in and started the car. "Mornings are cold everywhere."

Sirius slid in and wished he could do a heating charm without worrying about setting himself on fire.

After giving the car a couple of minutes to warm up Xander pulled out and they got back on the road.

"You know with a few spells I can make this thing fly," Sirius said thoughtfully.

"Like the carpet?" Xander asked warily, imagining the worst combination of their trip to and from Penny's mall.

"Oh yeah, my breaking charms need work," Sirius said agreeably. "How about I enchant it so it can drive on air like it was solid ground? That way it's the car's brakes that stop it and not my faulty knowledge of breaking charms."

"You can do that?" Xander asked.

"Easy as pie," Sirius swore. "Now I admit I'm not up to professional standards on brooms and carpets, but when it comes to enchanting mug- er modern vehicles, I wrote the book."

"Really?"

"Yeah, of course the ministry confiscated the book saying that it was against the law to enchant muggle items and then used it on their official vehicles," Sirius sighed, "they didn't pay me a single clipped knut either."

"Your government sucks."

"Yeah, but it's home," Sirius sighed wistfully.

The two talked about the wizarding world for the next half hour and Sirius painted a colorful picture of it.

"What was that?" Sirius asked, looking around in confusion as he felt something… shift.

"What was what?" Xander asked as he turned a corner and suddenly jerked the wheel to the side, driving up onto the sidewalk to avoid oncoming traffic. As they screeched to a stop Xander thanked god that they hadn't hit anyone and Sirius stared around in confusion.

"I think we're in London," Sirius said with a slowly growing grin. "And not a zombie infested one either, unless they've suddenly taken up driving on this side of the pond."

"Well, figure out a way to get us back on the road before the cops show up," Xander said, "because regardless of country or worlds, jails suck!"

Sirius quickly cast a mild muggle repelling ward on the street they were on and they waited for the traffic to vanish before getting back on the road.

"It is going to feel really weird driving this way," Xander said as Sirius collapsed the muggle repelling ward and they joined the flow of traffic.

"Point me the Leaky Cauldron!" Sirius ordered and his wand spun until it pointed toward the right.

"We're at your home?" Xander asked.

"I think so," Sirius said hopefully, "we were talking about my world and bam!"

"Hmmm," Xander said thoughtfully, but Sirius didn't ask what he was thinking as he was too excited by the thought of actually having arrived home.

Xander followed Sirius' directions, getting used to driving on the opposite side of the road until they were across the street from an old fashioned looking bar that had seen better days. The aged wooden sign read "The Leaky Cauldron".

"I'm home!" Sirius chorused in wonder. "Of course, legally I'm dead... that's not necessarily a bad thing though, as it does clear up that pesky mass murder charge."

"Mass murder?" Xander asked, figuring Sirius wasn't an insane killer so there had to be a lot more to the story.

"Yeah, never even got a trial; just tossed into prison with the dementors for a decade before I escaped to try to catch the real killer who'd faked his death and tried to pin it on me."

"Sounds a lot like the plot of a movie of the week."

"We're going to need money, but we can just sell some jewels to the goblins. Did we remember to keep any handy or are we going to have to take a trip to the backseat to find some?"

"We'll have to search," Xander said, "I meant to grab some, but forgot when we started testing how much you could do. Okay, we can grab some snacks and I guess another carpet; we can even pick up Penny and see if she would like to see the outside world."

"That's a good idea," Sirius said, "the magical world is less crowded and more tolerant of strange people, with the exception of the purebloods, so she can get used to being around groups of people again. I know she must be starved for company from the way she seduced me."

"That's probably genetic," Xander said, "Anya didn't know the meaning of the word subtle either. I remember when she informed me I was taking her to the prom."

"Which probably explains why she chose me over you; you dated her mom."

"If I had my prom photos with me you'd be amazed at how much she resembles her mom, well – enough dating talk, do we hit a museum; bank or jewelry store?"

"Whichever is closest," Sirius said, "because some of those are probably far enough away that we'd need food and water to reach them."

"Better put something on the car so they don't tow it, in case it takes us a while."

Sirius tapped the roof of car with his wand, adding a half dozen wards to it.

Stepping into the back seat they walked over to the telescope, the sounds of London traffic fading into the distance.

"Point me to the nearest source of jewels," Sirius ordered, causing the telescope to spin around and nail Xander in the crotch.

Sirius winced as he looked at Xander curled up into a ball on the floor. "Sorry."

Xander slowly uncurled and climbed to his feet. "I use jewelry to make talismans, so I always have some on me, try for the second closest."

"Point me to the second closest place with a large collection of jewels," Sirius ordered, prudently stepping back as the telescope spun around to point to the rear of the car. Putting his eye to the eyepiece he said, "Looks like a mansion, and even with a carpet it's going to take hours to get there."

Xander nodded and grabbed a bottle of water and some snacks. "Grab something to tide you over because we probably won't get back till lunchtime."

Sirius nodded and loaded up before turning a card into a carpet and enchanting it; he was about to test it when he suddenly got an idea. "Engorgio!" Sirius intoned, turning the flying carpet from the size of a parking slot to something big enough to carpet a three bedroom house.

"Why the extra space?" Xander asked as they stepped aboard.

"My braking charms work fine on large objects, probably something to do with weight. So by making it this large we don't have to dive off."

"My poor abused balls thank you," Xander said solemnly.

Sirius tore a card into confetti and used the pieces to create a bunch of furniture around a large blue camp fire in the center of the carpet. Piling his snacks on an end table he collapsed into a Lazy-boy with a sigh as he leaned back and put his feet up.

Shrugging Xander did the same and examined the strange blue flames that gave off heat and light but didn't burn the carpet.

Seeing Xander's interest Sirius grinned, he recalled Lily's expression the first time she learned about bluebell flames. "Don't bother trying to figure it out, it's magic."

"Even magic has to …" Xander began, remembering Willow's lectures on the subject.

"No it doesn't," Sirius said interrupting him, "magic doesn't have to obey any rules but its own, because it's not science it's magic."

"So magic trumps science?" Xander asked.

"The only reason it ever appears to follow scientific principles is because of the subconscious beliefs of the wizard casting the spell and the fact that magic likes to repeat itself."

"So the more widespread scientific laws become the more restrictions they place on magic users?" Xander asked.

"Yep," Sirius agreed, "because when you get right down to it, magic doesn't just trump science it corn-holes it. To the mansion James!" Sirius ordered and the carpet smoothly lifted and sped off into the dark.

**AN:Typing by Godogma!**


	12. Chapter 12

**Walking in Shadows Chapter 12**

"What are you doing?" Sirius asked as Xander was writing and erasing a series of runes on a notepad.

"Figuring out runic schemes for the silver bat you made for me."

"I was wondering why you brought it with you."

"I figured if we had a couple of hours and nothing better to do than trade life stories I could also work on some ideas for runic weapon enhancements."

"We have to trade life stories?" Sirius asked worriedly. "Yours isn't filled with angst is it?"

Xander laughed. "I'm sure there was a lot of angsting going on, but it wasn't from me. No, my story is filled with what my friends called inappropriately timed humor; you'd think they'd realized everything is better when you can laugh at it – but no! They insist on whining and moping and worrying over everything."

Sirius immediately brightened.

"I have a lot of ideas on what enchantments to add, but I've never had a chance to try anything. Mostly because of material costs and lacking a magic user to help me; take a look at this list and tell me which you think are possible."

Sirius accepted the notepad and gave an impressed whistle as he paged through it. "You've put a lot of thought into this; I mean I recognize some of these, because I've either heard stories about weapons that have had them on, or I know the spell myself but you've got stuff here I've never even imagined."

"Actually I copied most of it from either Giles' books or my old Dungeons and Dragons manuals, I did crib some from comic books and movies though," Xander admitted, "how many do you think will work?"

"Only one way to find out," Sirius replied cheerfully, "throw them all at it and see which ones stick."

"Isn't that dangerous?"

"Yep and the amount of alcohol we'll be consuming isn't going to help matters either."

"Alcohol?"

"Some of these spells are legendary because they were cast back before logic infected us and limited what we could do, as I explained earlier, so we need some way to silence the rational portions of our brains; hence the alcohol."

"That's logical," Xander pointed out.

"All the more reason to drink then," Sirius declared.

**Later … **

"And so there I was, chained up in my underwear waiting for my science teacher to get back," Xander said pausing to take another drink while Sirius laughed and tried to remember the spell he was about to cast.

**Later … **

"So James got this devious look in his eyes and said I wonder if the Protean charm would work on the mirrors in the girl's changing room."

Xander snickered and finished the last rune before getting distracted and inscribing rose vines encircling his bat.

**Finally …**

Sirius laid on his back and snored, his face covered in soot and his hair standing straight up with sparks flaring from the ends every couple of seconds.

Xander laid face down, his right foot twitched occasionally and his left hand resting on a light pink bat that was covered in engraved black vines.

The carpet circled the mansion as the two slept on.

0oOo0

"Did you have to bless it as a holy defender?" Eros asked his mother.

"He's a paladin; it's expected!" Aphrodite replied.

"It's not a sword or a mace."

"Yes, it's a baseball bat," She acknowledged, rolling her eyes, "and that is a much more common urban weapon in this day and age."

"She's got a point there," Mixy said thoughtfully.

"It just … lacks class," Eros complained plaintively, "I mean, swords have a certain symbolism that bats lack."

"It's made of silver impregnated with the blood of a powerful Amberite; giving it a mild rose hue and covered in runes and engravings that are permanently filled with shadow even in the brightest light and enchanted up the wazoo, how is that not classy?" Aphrodite demanded.

Eros stared into the pool of water they were using to watch Xander and stroked his chin. "Hmmm, you have a point, perhaps I was thinking too traditionally."

"Hard to find matching armor, that's for sure," Mixy joked.

0oOo0

Xander and Sirius woke up in midair, as the carpet got tired of circling and dumped them and their possessions before flying off.

"Oww," Xander said, lying flat on his back and passed back out.

It took another hour before Xander woke up and managed to rouse himself enough to wake up Sirius, "I think we're here."

Sirius yawned and stared at the mansion inside of the bubble of light, it was enormous with palatial grounds and acres of manicured lawn.

"It's the Playboy Mansion," Xander drawled in wonder, "when did we pick up the Playboy Mansion?"

"We snagged a lot of mansions," Sirius waved it off, "you probably didn't notice because we only saw it from the side when I grabbed it."

"You don't know who Hugh Hefner is do you?" Xander asked in shock, looking at Sirius incredulously.

"No, why?"

"Let me tell you about a man with a dream and the house the bunnies built..."

0oOo0

Eros sniffed and wiped a tear from his eye. "He tells the story so beautifully; my blessing upon his bat as well, may its metal lend him strength. Now if you'll excuse me I need to go use the little god's room."

Mixy snickered. "Too bad that blessing isn't meant for battle." At D'Hoffryn's questioning glance he explained, "touching the bat cures impotence now."

"That's not a blessing to sneer at," D'Hoffryn replied solemnly.

0oOo0

Sirius looked around him in reverence. "Are you sure it's okay to take jewelry from this place?"

"Hef himself would tell you that the real value here wasn't the baubles it was the boobies."

"A wise man," Sirius said before casting a spell that created an orb of light that led them from room to room where every bit of jewelry was on the grounds.

**Several hours later …**

Xander looked down at the full wheelbarrow. "Is this everything?"

"It's enough. I can't believe the pool filter held so many earrings."

"I can't believe the pool was filled with mutated sea bass."

"Man, and the temper on those things."

"Want to crash here?" Xander asked.

"Yeah, we can start off first thing in the morning and thanks again for saving me from jumping in the pool."

"You're just lucky I have a way with fish."

**The next morning … **

Sirius had conjured a large bag with money signs on the side to carry the jewelry with and created another luxury carpet that could seat 20.

"I name this carpet Sheila," Xander decided as they cruised along.

"I once knew a Sheila," Sirius said thoughtfully, "redhead with a body that wouldn't quit."

The discussion of women faded into a discussion of what they planned to do after a while.

"We got a dark lord and his minions to squish, but with the power I got now we should be fine."

"I still have to get home, but I got months of vacation left and I'm guessing a magical car to take me where I want to go. At least I hope it's where I want to go and not some sort of quest."

"I'll load you up with magical gear," Sirius promised, "quest or vacation it should make things easier."

"Thanks I appreciate it," Xander said as the carpet settled onto the ground outside of Penny's bubble.

Xander picked up his bat and Sirius the bag of jewelry before they stepped inside, flinching at the light and heat of the desert environment. Hurrying across the parking lot they sighed when they reached the mall and entered its air conditioned interior.

Penny broke into a wide smile as she saw Sirius. "Are you back for more sex?"

"No, I'm back to let you have your pick of shiny baubles," Sirius demurred.

"But the sex was good right?" Penny asked anxiously. "I've got videos on what I'm supposed to do but I've never had the chance to try them out before."

"The sex was great!" Sirius promised. "A bit much all at once admittedly, but great. I'm afraid I'm just not built for ten hour sex marathons, at several points I was tempted to tag Xander in so I could collapse."

Penny beamed. "I'll save the ten hour marathons for special occasions, but I can't have sex with Xander; mom said she named me Penny not Elektra so I can't have sex with dad."

***THUNK!* **

Sirius looked down at the unconscious Xander. "Well, at least I get along with your father."

**AN:Typing by Godogma!**


	13. Chapter 13

**Walking in Shadows 13**

Penny sorted through the jewelry while Sirius poked Xander with his wand, changing his eye and hair color at random.

"How about this ruby choker with matching earrings?" Penny asked, modeling them for Sirius.

"They look great on you, see if you can find a ring that goes with them."

"Okay!" Penny beamed happily.

As Xander woke his red eyes and blue hair reverted back to their accustomed colors. "What happened?"

"You passed out when Penny said she was your daughter."

"Yes, and Willow helped too, in fact she's where I got my red hair from."

***THUD!***

"Is dad okay?" she asked.

"A blow to the head gave him partial amnesia, so he's a bit shocked," Sirius lied, "but I'm sure he'll be pleased once he's over the shocked part and remembers."

"Okay," Penny said agreeably as she tried on several rings and bracelets.

"Wake up before I try and use magic to wake you up!" Sirius threatened.

"I'm up!" Xander leapt to his feet and looked around nervously. "What happened?"

"You found out that Penny is your daughter by way of Anya and Willow and passed out," Sirius said helpfully. "Not sure how a threesome wound up with a child with three parents instead of two pregnant girls, but there you are."

"Willow is a very powerful witch and Anya, despite being physically 18 and hot as hell, has over a thousand years of experience in magic," Xander explained numbly.

"Wow!"

Penny came over wearing a handful of ruby studded jewelry. "You look younger than I remember seeing you last time."

"Yeah," Xander said slowly, "I'm a dimensional analogue of your father. The last time I saw Anya was a couple of months ago when I took her to prom."

"Okay dad," Penny said agreeably.

"You're not upset?" Xander asked warily.

"Should I be?" she asked curiously.

"I mean, Elektra has a much closer relationship with you than me and Goldi and she'd just be happy to see you again."

"Goldi? Elektra?" Xander asked slowly.

"Goldi has her perfume stand in LA, because her other mom is Buffy and they have a lot of shoe stores there. Of course Willow had to help as always, but she made sure not to contribute anything."

"And Elektra?" Xander queried.

"Her other mother is Dawn, so she has her stand in the Sunnydale mall, so she's close enough for a nooner with dad if mom's too busy."

"And she's Xander's daughter?" he asked, mentally distancing himself from this reality's Xander.

"Yep."

"And they have sex?"

"When mom's too busy with work; so once or twice a week," she replied.

"And everyone knows and is okay with this?" he asked, wondering what kind of perv his local self had been.

"Mom says Dawn is living vicariously through Elektra, because Aunty Dawn wanted to marry you but couldn't."

"Okay," Xander drawled out woodenly, "remind me to make sure my other children are okay later, but right now I think I need another bath and a nap."

"I know this one," Sirius said suddenly, "in an infinite number of worlds, an infinite number of things happen."

"What's your point?" Xander asked still a bit numb.

"Well even if it's happening here, at least it ain't happening at home, nor does it have to."

Xander perked up a bit. "Thank you, Sirius I feel a lot better now. After my bath and nap we'll take Penny out and show her your world."

"Sounds good," Sirius replied as Xander left.

"Why is he upset?"

"I think it's because of his local self's relationship with Elektra. Even my family who were staunch purebloods didn't marry their own daughters; their siblings' daughters occasionally, but not their own."

"But they weren't married, they were just having sex!"

"Uh, yeah..." Sirius said slowly, "that probably does happen a bit but it's kind of immoral even when it's not illegal, plus there's a greater chance any children born from it will have some problems."

"Mom always said human morality was very confusing," Penny muttered.

"And rarely consistent. How about we go take a bath and get you prettied up for your introduction to my world?"

"That sounds enjoyable," Penny agreed.

0oOo0

Xander found Sirius polishing a large ruby ring on his robe which he'd put back on.

"Where's Penny?"

"Making sure her makeup is perfect. You know a less considerate guy would comment about the fact he was defiling your virgin daughter."

"But thankfully you're not that inconsiderate right?" Xander asked.

"Right, I shall say not one word about the carnal delights of your daughter, nor how much I enjoy them," Sirius agreed mock stoically.

"And I appreciate that; I really do," Xander said with a forced smile.

"Yep, not one word about subtle curves or her boundless enthusiasm in the sack."

Xander rolled his eyes, knowing Sirius was just screwing with him to try and make him feel better about learning about Penny's father, but he still couldn't help but say, "And to show my appreciation I have four little words to say to you."

Sirius frowned slightly, his brow furrowing in thought as he tried to figure out what Xander was going to say.

"Better you than me."

Sirius winced like he'd been stabbed. "I can't believe you went there."

"Neither can I," Xander said, shaking his head, "and when I meet me I'm going to have to kick my ass. But that aside, today is a special occasion – we're taking Penny out to see the world."

"And?" Sirius asked cautiously.

"And you know how Penny celebrates special occasions; better not let showing her the sights tire you out too much."

"You utter bastard!" Sirius said paling. "Another ten hour marathon this soon will kill me! I should have known by your shirt you had no shame."

Xander frowned. "What's wrong with my shirt?"

Penny chose that moment to make her appearance. "I believe Mama Willow called them crimes against humanity. Mama Anya just said the fact that you wore them was just proof you had a massive set of testicles."

"Let's just split the difference and say his balls are so big they compel him to commit crimes against humanity," Sirius said cheerfully before coughing "Elektra!"

Xander covered his wince with a big grin. "Well Penny, today is a special occasion, for today my daughter gets to see a whole new world."

Penny smiled and Sirius grinned, even if his grin looked like a rictus of pain.

Xander tapped his chin in thought. "As a matter of fact… didn't Sirius validate your womanly talents today by bringing you a shiny bauble?"

"Yes he did!" Penny acknowledged proudly.

"Then today isn't just a special occasion, it's an extra special occasion, a day when you should celebrate twice as hard as normal!"

Penny beamed while Sirius paled further and mouthed, "Bastard!" at Xander.

"Now let's go show Penny some new sights," Xander said as he led them outside.

"Where's your car?" Penny asked as she locked the door to the mall behind them.

"We took a flying carpet," Xander explained, "parked it outside the bubble for some reason."

"Bubble?" Penny asked as they walked.

"As far as we can tell, California is devoid of people, so we're relocating your mall to a more populated area."

Penny's eyes opened wide as they stepped outside the bubble and into the endless night of the backseat of Xander's car where tiny bubbles of light containing buildings twinkled like stars in the distance.

"Where's the carpet?" Xander asked.

"Probably got bored and left," Sirius said as he made another one and put on some finishing touches. "Put enough magic and animation in an object and it'll develop its own personality. There are ways to limit that happening, but I never developed the knack, which is why my work can't be considered professional level. Personally I prefer them with a little more life in them, it's like the difference between riding a horse and driving a car. A car will just go where you point it, regardless of what may happen, while a horse will take care not to run over anyone or crash into anything."

Xander stepped onto the twenty foot circular carpet Sirius had enchanted and took a seat next to the roaring blue campfire in the center.

Penny settled into one of the recliners and put her feet up. "This is much nicer than a car."

"Home Jeeves!" Sirius ordered.

**AN:Typing by Godogma!**


	14. Chapter 14

**Walking in Shadows Chapter 14**

**(Typed by … you guess it – Me! Dogbert wouldn't type unless his life depended on it.)**

"Is Elektra much older than you?" Sirius asked curiously.

"Almost a year older, why?" Penny asked.

"Just trying to sort things out in my head," he replied as Xander turned a little green, realizing his daughter by Dawn and Anya would have been about nine the last time Penny had been in contact with her.

"So, tell us about the Wizarding World," Xander said, needing a distraction from his degenerate analogue.

"Well," Sirius began, wondering where to begin when he decided to tell them about the war.

**Later… **

"And it turned out he wasn't even a pureblood despite his ideology and the war he started," Sirius finished with a sigh.

"Sounds like a magical version of Hitler," Xander said shaking his head.

"Pretty much," Sirius agreed as the carpet settled by the door and they all stepped off, whereupon it immediately flew off.

"Should I be worried about the carpets?" Xander asked as the blue flame of its campfire faded into the distance.

"Nah, I made them to enjoy flying and carrying people where they want to go, but there is so much space in here you'll probably never see them again."

Xander looked around at the seemingly endless expanse and nodded. "Yeah."

Sirius opened the door and they stepped out into London.

"So many people," Penny said smiling brightly.

Sirius took her hand. "And not a single zombie to be found," he said as he escorted her across the street.

The three entered the Leaky Cauldron and the noise level dropped as the patrons looked over the three.

Without pausing Sirius led them out the back door, unaware of the wide eyed stare he'd received from Dung, to a brick wall.

"Tap here and here," Sirius muttered as he tapped certain bricks with his wand, causing the entire wall to move out of their path as brick by brick it peeled itself away to reveal the entrance to Diagon Alley.

"Fairy Tales four for a dollar," Xander muttered as he stared about him in wonder. Diagon Alley was filled with shops displaying magical wares, but they were barely more fantastic than the people themselves. The place was filled with robe wearing, wand carrying witches and wizards of all shapes and sizes, and considering some of the magical halfbreeds and magical accidents, those shapes were many and varied.

Sirius led them through the throngs to the steps of a bank; it was a towering edifice of granite and marble with two massive silver doors standing open to allow customers in.

Xander noticed a poem carved into the doors, but having little interest ignored it as they climbed the steps and passed the two goblins standing guard.

The interior of the bank was much like its mundane counterparts were in centuries past; simply exchanging the human bankers for goblin ones.

There were only two people ahead of them at the gem and precious metals exchange so they didn't have long to wait.

"Next!" the goblin sneered as they walked up.

Xander dropped the sack of jewelry on the counter.

After peeking in the top the goblin stared at the three for a minute. Penny and Sirius smiled in that cheerful to the point of dementia way they had while Xander just yawned and scratched himself.

"Pickrot!" the goblin called over his shoulder, causing a smaller goblin to scurry over. "Meeting room one, escort the humans there and make sure they have refreshments."

"This way," Pickrot ordered, flipping up a section of counter and marching off, not bothering to see if the humans were following.

Strolling after the rude little being they were shown to a richly furnished room with plush comfortable chairs and a marble table filled with a variety of food and drinks.

"Eat, drink," the goblin waved at them, "but don't be so merry that you remove any clothes, a goblin appraiser will be with you when he feels like it."

Xander and Sirius grabbed some pastries while Penny examined the furnishings.

It was less than a minute later when an important looking goblin came in, obviously higher ranked due to age and quality of suit. "One hundred thousand galleons for the majority of the jewelry," he said not wasting time, "the metal used is inferior but the quality and cut of the gems more than makes up for it."

"And the rest of the jewelry?" Sirius asked curiously.

The goblin laid a case on the table and opened it, showing a dozen small gems. "Regretfully we don't have the resources to afford even one of these."

"Why not?" Sirius asked.

"You don't know what they are?" the goblin asked in shock and cursed the magically enforced treaty his people had signed when the two men shrugged.

"Those are life gems," Penny said, "if they were still in their settings I could probably tell you who each of them were."

"Each of them were?" Sirius queried.

"Yes, those were Elizabeth Taylor's last dozen husbands – there was an article in Cosmo."

Xander snapped his fingers. "Oh yeah, I remember those things. If you were a bit morbid and had the money, you could have your dead relatives turned into jewelry."

Sirius looked horrified. "What kind of necromancy was that?"

"My people's," Xander said cheerfully. "Disposing of dead relatives is always big business. I know of places that would freeze them with cryogenics until they could be brought back to life or have them buried with full Egyptian funeral rites if you preferred. Hell, there was one place that would even send a capsule with their ashes to either orbit the Earth or bury itself on the moon."

Sirius and the goblin stared at him for a minute.

"I know, strange huh?" Xander said rhetorically. "Personally I was thinking of being cremated and having my ashes used to make lead crystal sex toys, to be sent to women I was fond of while I lived."

Sirius and the goblin stopped looking shocked as they both whipped out notepads and wrote that idea down.

"So what good are they?" Penny asked.

"They are extremely powerful necromantic foci," the goblin replied, "but in the hands of an artificer …" the goblin chuckled and rubbed his hands together.

"Xander?" Sirius asked.

"Added to a ward or a weapon they'd provide a level of intelligence you'd usually need a willing human sacrifice for," Xander said thoughtfully, "that would make it an order of magnitude more effective and that's without factoring in any talents they had while alive."

"A human artificer?" the goblin asked curiously.

"Minor artificer," Xander said, "I'm limited in what I can do because I'm not a wizard."

"A muggle artificer?" the goblin's eyes almost popped out of his skull.

"I prefer the term norm, thank you very much," Xander said.

The goblin shrugged. "And I'd like my title to be Pimp Master Supreme, we don't always get what we want."

"What services could we get in exchange for the gems?" Penny asked over Sirius' laughter.

"Services?" Sirius asked.

"There are some possibilities there," the goblin admitted after a moment of thought.

"I've always wanted a castle," Penny said, "with a huge vault filled with gold I could roll in whenever I wanted to."

The goblin got misty eyed. "Such a wonderful dream, but even that isn't equal to the value of a single gem."

"How about if you were to add wards to it like you have on the bank, using one of the gems as a focus?" Xander asked.

"That … would still have to be a really large castle," the goblin said thoughtfully.

"Bigger than Hogwarts?" Sirius asked.

"Much."

"How much to have it ready in a week?" Xander asked.

"That fast?" the goblin exclaimed and then began to grin. "Two gems."

"Done!" Xander said, holding out a hand.

Penny squealed, "Thank you daddy!" and hugged him as the goblin shook his hand, sealing the deal.

"I'll toss in a gem if Gringotts swears friendship with the Potter family," Sirius offered.

"Done!" the goblin declared, holding out a hand that Sirius shook.

Xander let the goblin pick out four gems and pocketed the rest.

"Where would you like the castle?" the goblin asked.

"Build wherever you find easiest," Sirius replied, "I'll move it when you're done."

The goblin snorted. "I don't think you realize how big a castle we're talking about here."

Sirius grinned evilly and everyone shivered as an unseen wind began to lift Sirius' hair as he was surrounded by a soft blue aura that got brighter and brighter.

"Enough!" the goblin yelled as he shielded his eyes. "I believe you!"

"How long have you been waiting to do that?" Xander asked, blinking and waiting for his vision to clear.

"Since I found out how powerful I was," Sirius admitted, "but it's only bad ass if you wait until someone challenges you."

"Good point," Xander agreed.

Pickrot scurried in with two leather satchels of gold on a cart.

"I figured you'd want some spending money, so here is two thousand galleons; what do you want done with the other ninety eight thousand?"

"Keep eight thousand of it on hand for us here, but the rest you can dump in Penny's vault when you finish her castle."

Penny stood up and began to dance. "Capitalist dance of joy," she explained when she noticed them watching.

The two goblins quickly joined in mimicking her movements with slowly growing grins.

0oOo0

"What do you guys want to do first?" Sirius asked as they left the bank.

"Wormtail!" a voice yelled out filled with hatred.

Sirius' head quickly spun around and spotted Peter Pettigrew, the man who'd betrayed them all, glaring at him hatefully.

They both froze as their eyes locked and the local wizards and witches scattered for cover.

At an unseen signal both wizards ran at each other and transformed into their animagus forms, only to stop and stare at each other in confusion before they started sniffing one another.

"Hey!" Penny yelled at the pair of identical black dogs. "No sniffing my boyfriend there!"


	15. Chapter 15

**Walking in Shadows 15**

**(Have you noticed we're continuing this fic a lot?)**

The two transformed back into human form and examined each other.

"No silver limbs?" Peter asked.

"Never had one, never will," Sirius replied, "Padfoot?" he asked.

"Yeah," Peter nodded, "you?"

"The same, fell through the Veil of Death protecting Harry and I've been world jumping trying to get home."

Peter snickered, "I think you missed."

The two burst out laughing, the strangeness of the situation too much for them.

Penny stormed over and poked Peter in the chest making him stumble back. "You don't sniff someone else's boyfriend there!"

"Easy hon," Sirius said, "when we're dogs it's just checking scent markers."

"Really?"

"Really," he assured her just before a dozen red robed aurors appeared with a loud crack and started firing stunners at them.

"Protego," Sirius called out causing a shield to appear around the three that easily deflected the spells.

"How the hell did you get so powerful?" Peter asked after a couple of seconds had gone by and he realized they weren't about to get captured.

"No clue." Sirius shrugged.

"Okay then, how did you get such a cute young girlfriend?"

"He was very appreciative when I showed him my breasts," Penny said happily.

"Great breasts should be appreciated," the two wizards chorused before busting up laughing.

Xander watched curiously as the red robed wizards cast a wide variety of spells to no effect as the three inside the bubble ignored them.

The spells cast at the three petered out after a while and the aurors stood around awkwardly and waited for further orders, not having dealt with anything remotely close to this situation ever before. A few of the younger ones could even be seen paging through their service manuals looking for something that actually covered what they were dealing with.

Shaking his head Xander walked over to knock on the shield, ignoring the orders for him to stop.

Sirius dropped his shield and recast it to include Xander.

"What did I miss?" Xander asked.

"My world," Sirius answered, "but not by much. In this world, Sirius Black was the rat while Peter was the loveable loyal hound dog."

"I hope that isn't going to make it harder to find Penny's world again," Xander groaned, "I still want to check on my other daughters there."

Sirius shrugged. "No idea, but I'm willing to hit dozens of zombie worlds to find the right one," he said loyally.

Xander looked closely at Sirius. "More to loot?" he guessed.

Sirius beamed. "Exactly!"

Peter perked up. "Loot?"

"Empty worlds means you can loot entire cities down to the bedrock and no one can complain!" Sirius exclaimed with a huge grin.

Peter sighed mournfully. "You are so lucky, they never let me loot anything."

"Did someone invite Gandalf?" Xander asked, causing everyone to turn.

Dumbledore frowned as he hit the shield with another shield breaker, barely causing it to shimmer.

Sirius vanished his shield. "Can I help you, Headmaster?"

The headmaster looked shocked as his eyes darted from Sirius to Peter and back again.

The two dog animagus frowned, "Quit poking in my head!" they chorused.

Before he could reply a green spell lit up the air, causing Dumbledore to conjure up a silver shield and both Padfoots to instinctively duck.

The AK flew through the space where Sirius had just been standing, straight for Xander.

'Shit!' Xander thought just before Penny shoulder blocked him out of the way, the green spell nailing her in the chest.

She froze like a statue for a moment before she slowly toppled forwards.

"Penny!" Sirius cried, crouching over her motionless form as Xander scrambled back to his feet, his eyes scanning for the wizard who had just killed his daughter.

Seeing an auror with his wand pointed at them, while the surrounding aurors stared at him in horror, Xander found his target.

Xander rushed forward with blood in his eye and a silver bat in his hand; a bat he'd left in the car.

The auror managed to get off two spells, one of which Xander batted aside before Xander reached him. The bat impacted him in the stomach and launched him twenty feet, before he intersected the second floor of a furniture shop, entering through the wall.

The red robed wizards had drawn their wands, but not one of them cast a spell as they backed away from Xander.

"For a death spell that was majorly overrated," Penny stated as she blinked and sat up up like she was shaking off a good night's sleep.

Xander ran back over. "You're okay!"

Sirius was clutching Penny to him. "I thought I'd lost you!"

"Like mama Willow would let a little thing like an instant death spell affect me," Penny said proudly. "I'm more concerned with dad. He got hit with one too."

"Did I?" Xander frowned thoughtfully and examined himself. "I didn't notice."

"Mama Anya always said your focus on vengeance was admirable," Penny remarked.

Xander chuckled, "And she should know... So, you're really okay?"

Penny smiled and climbed to her feet. "I'm fine."

"Remarkable," Dumbledore said.

"We'd better split before I have to kill any more of these idiots," Xander said firmly.

"Better take me with you," Peter said, "I really don't feel like getting thrown in Azkaban again," Turning to Dumbledore, he said, "Back away and start throwing spells, we don't need Fudge having you arrested on trumped up accessory charges."

Dumbledore didn't argue, immediately jumping back and acting like he was preparing for a major battle as spells by the dozen were cast to strengthen himself and prevent escape.

Sirius knew a good exit point when he saw one and raised a shield for Dumbledore to blast away at while he shook his fist mock angrily at Dumbledore, to give him a little more credibility before making the group of them and a section of cobblestone vanish in a burst of light.

The crowd cheered Dumbledore, not sure what went on, but because it looked impressive… whatever it was.

0oOo0

"Oops," Sirius said.

Peter looked around the empty alley worriedly. "Where did you send everyone?"

"It's an illusion," Xander said, "follow me."

It took four steps for the entire group to find themselves outside the bubble of light that was a perfect five foot circle of Diagon Alley.

"Whoa," Peter said, staring around in shock.

"This is the backseat of my car," Xander explained. "Souped up Sirius cast a storage spell and boom, I've got more storage space than Australia."

Peter stared around at the seemingly infinite expanse of darkness surrounding them, the bubbles of light surround the stolen buildings mimicking the night sky. "Whoa, seems like such an understatement at the moment."

"All aboard!" Sirius called out, having gotten quite a bit faster at creating carpets and developing a certain comfortable decorating style that looked like a cross between livingroom and camping decor.

"Nice," Peter complemented him examining the carpet as he dropped into an easy chair and put his feet up, the bluebell campfire lighting up the thirty foot circular rug quite nicely.

Sirius and Penny settled onto a loveseat, Sirius still not letting her go.

"Where to?" Xander asked as he opted to simply sprawl on the deep shag carpet.

"Thought we'd check out the bubble over there since it was so close, then we'd head for the nearest exit," Sirius replied as the carpet hovered a single inch off the ground.

"Hope they got some food there or we could end up starving to death before we reach an exit," Xander said as the carpet sped off.

"I got a never-full picnic basket on me," Peter said, "Dobby showed up with it saying I was looking too thin."

"Harry probably put him up to it," Sirius said.

"Maybe, but you can never tell with that crazy little bugger; still there's enough food to last us a week."

"Cool, we should be okay then," Xander said relieved. "Why are we flying so low?"

"This carpet seems to like gliding over the ground," Sirius replied with a shrug, "maybe its afraid of heights."

"Xander decided he didn't want to know why a flying carpet would be afraid of heights or why Sirius would create one that was and kept silent.

"Your Wormtail escape thanks to Snape at the Shrieking Shack?" Sirius asked.

"Yeah, but it turned out that was because between Remus and the shack, he was having flashbacks to almost getting eaten and it stirred up his old hatred of us so much he was as good as confounded himself," Peter said shaking his head. "Hard to believe that came back to bite us on the ass after all this time."

"Huh, never thought of that," Sirius admitted.

"I'd have caught Wormtail already, but he's hiding behind some pretty powerful wards and every time I manage to locate which Death Eater's estate he's hiding at, he moves to another."

"So it'd be easier to catch him if there were less Death Eater estates lying around?" Sirius asked, beginning to grin.

"Much, why?" Peter asked curiously.

"We've got room," Xander said knowing what Sirius was thinking, "and I've got no problem stealing from evil people."

"What're you talking about?" Peter asked.

"When we were talking about looting cities to the bedrock we weren't speaking figuratively," Sirius said as the bubble of light they were headed for got close enough to see.

Peter's mouth fell open as they saw what they were heading toward. "That building is huge! You ported this here yourself?"

Sirius grinned. "That building is tiny compared to what I've stuck back here."

Peter's jaw dropped further. "So you guys are going to steal entire estates?"

"Sure," Xander said easily, "it's a crime to have all this space and not use it."

The carpet set down at the edge of the bubble and they all stepped off.

"Raunch O'Mart!" Sirius squealed.

"Porn!" Penny cried joyously.

"Porn?" Peter asked hopefully.

Xander groaned as the three rushed into the building. "She's my and Anya's daughter alright."


	16. Chapter 16

**Walking in Shadows Chapter 16**

Xander walked around the Raunch 'O Mart, marveling at the illusion of LA that surrounded it; it looked and felt like a warm summer day in the middle of LA, minus the smog and noise.

"This has got to be one of the most impressive displays of magic I have ever seen," Peter said, making Xander jump.

"I can see why you were both named Padfoot, you walk like a cat," Xander said.

"Force of habit," Peter replied. "I came outside to give them a little privacy."

Xander nodded.

"Clothes started flying … normally I wouldn't mind having a front row seat, but the fact that we're the same person and yet each other's worst enemies is… weird."

"That would be a bit strange," Xander admitted.

"So … how is it both of you survived an AK?"

"AK?"

"Avada kedavra," Peter explained, "Harry is the only known human survivor of one, but you two shrugged it off like it was a tickling charm!"

"No idea," Xander replied honestly, "Penny's moms probably had something to do with her surviving it, but I'm not sure why I did. What are the mechanics of the spell? What exactly does it do?"

"It expels all the life force in a body … well, in a human or smaller anyway. It won't work on giants because of size or because … of amount of life force," Peter said as he searched his mind for details. "It can be blocked by physical objects but magical shields are useless and for some reason it goes right through clothes even though a thrown shirt can block it."

"A person's aura actually extends an inch or so past their clothes," Xander explained. "So it probably doesn't need to hit them, just their aura."

Peter nodded. "That's a common theory, but we don't have any proof to back it up and of course testing it is out."

Xander nodded. "I made an amulet to keep my life force inside my body after a girl I was dating turned out to be a life sucking mummy."

"How do you miss something like that?" Peter asked. "The bandages are a dead giveaway."

"She was a Mayan princess who was sacrificed about five centuries ago, but as long as she'd drained someone recently she looked like she was 17," Xander explained. "Rather than drain me she let herself crumble to dust."

Reaching into his shirt he untangled and pulled out a small silver ankh on an iron chain. "I made this right after."

Peter examined the ankh. "Looks like a lightning bolt on the front."

Xander flipped it over. "Nah, that's just the focal rune for this."

Peter's eyes scanned over the complicated rune structure etched on the back. "Wow, that's beyond me."

"It's not complicated, you just have to break it down into sections," Xander said waving it off. "The hard part isn't the runes, it's killing a demon for the spell components."

"A demon?"

"Yeah," Xander explained, "you see in the world I come from, vampires are actually blood demons, inhabiting corpses and I need the ashes of one to make an amulet."

"Isn't that dangerous?"

"Yeah," Xander admitted, "but with vampire ash collected yourself you can use runes of blood and sacrifice without sacrificing anyone."

Peter stared at him in shock for a moment before getting a far off look in his eyes. "Blood and sacrifice … of course, mother's blood! Why didn't I see it sooner?"

Xander raised an eyebrow.

"The scar, it isn't a lightning bolt at all, it's a rune! Lily sacrificed her life to seal the spell," Peter continued anxiously, "but Voldemort used Harry's blood to resurrect himself, so the defenses are worthless now! We've gotta rescue Harry!"

Peter jumped up and ran inside and just as quickly ran back out. "I think I'll wait until they're done."

"Probably a good idea," Xander agreed.

"How long do you think it'll take them?" Peter asked after about half an hour.

"'Bout nineteen more hours," Xander replied.

"You're kidding," Peter deadpanned.

"Nope, but feel free to interrupt," Xander offered, "Sirius will probably thank you for it."

"Really?"

"Definitely."

"Okay, but if they get pissed I'm blaming you."

"Feel free," Xander said watching the illusion of clouds pass by overhead.

Peter went back inside and the three came out about ten minutes later.

"I am so glad you brought a never-full basket with you," Sirius said, "it'd be really awkward trying to carry all the porn otherwise."

Peter shrugged. "Thank Remus, he's the one who marketed our expansion charm. The way it expands automatically to fit more stuff inside and keep it from spilling, made it the perfect food storage charm."

"We never marketed it back home," Sirius said, "which is a shame because Remus could have used the money."

"I know what you mean," Peter said while Sirius made a carpet for them to use, "he could use it here too, but all the profits go directly to Saint Mungos."

"At least it's doing some good and not sitting around gathering dust," Sirius offered.

"You got a point," Peter said as he climbed on the carpet.

"Point me to the nearest way out!" Sirius said, his wand spinning to point off into the darkness. "To the exit!" he ordered and the carpet lifted and flew ten feet before landing.

"I don't see an exit," Penny said as she looked around.

Peter stepped off the carpet and vanished from sight though he could still be heard cursing.

"Peter, you okay?" Sirius called out looking around wildly.

"Fell in a hole, rolled to the front seat and smashed my ghoulies on the steering wheel!" he called back drawing their attention to a rectangular hole in the ground as they gathered around it, staring down at the light they could see coming in from the sides at the bottom of it.

"How do we get out this way?" Xander asked.

"Just hop in," Peter called up, "you'll slide right into the front seat."

Xander stepped into the hole and was suddenly jerked sideways as gravity shifted, and whacked himself on the steering wheel.

"I have got to stop listening to you two," Xander groaned as Peter and Sirius laughed.

Peter helped him out of the car as Sirius explained to Penny how to crawl in and out of the entrance without getting a steering wheel in the groin letting them climb over the seat uninjured while Xander rubbed himself.

"Remind me to get revenge on both of you," Xander said.

"Rescue Harry first, revenge later!" Peter said quickly.

"You two ride in the back," Xander said, "Peter can give me directions."

"Back to the porn!" Sirius said cheerfully as he and Penny crawled over the back seat and vanished.

"Okay, give me directions," Xander said, buckling up and starting the car.

"This would be a lot easier if the car could fly and turn invisible," Peter said with a sigh, as he realized they were going to be taking surface roads the whole way there.

"Well it doesn't and we need to get there."

Peter conjured a crystal globe with a large number of colored arrows inside of it and stuck it to the dash with a sticking charm. A minute and a half of mumbling in bastardized Latin saw three quarters of the arrows pointing in one direction. "Okay follow the arrows."

"Why so many of them?" Xander asked as he pulled into traffic, still feeling as if he were driving on the wrong side of the road.

"It's my patented General Directions charm with scenic options," Peter said proudly, "just focus on one of the arrows pointing off to the side and read it."

Xander slowed down so he wouldn't crash and examined an arrow that was pointing to a girl walking along the sidewalk. "Girl more freaky in bed than you," he read aloud.

"Always important to know," Peter said solemnly.

Xander chuckled and sped up.

0oOo0

"That's the place," Peter said sinking to the floorboards. "You'll have to get Harry, because Dumbledore has members of his Order hiding under invisibility cloaks and if they see me they'll try and stop me."

Xander nodded, recalling what Peter had said about how Harry was treated on the drive over. "Sure I can't take my bat?"

"I wish! That lot could use some serious attitude adjustments," Peter muttered.

"Be back in a minute or two," Xander said before climbing out of the car and approaching the house.

It looked like suburbia under glass, Xander thought to himself, plastic and lifeless. Personally it gave him the creeps and he knocked on the door a bit harder than he meant to.

"What do you want?" Vernon demanded, seeing the teen who'd knocked hard enough to dent the door.

"I'm here for Harry," Xander said blandly.

Vernon tried to close the door, but Xander pushed his way in with almost no effort.

"You freaks aren't allowed to come in!" Vernon yelled, face already red heading towards purple.

A red haired teen in threadbare shirt and jeans a few sizes too big for her came out of the kitchen; she looked half-starved and her left eye had one hell of a shiner behind a pair of thick black glasses.

"Did you do that?" Xander asked in a low and dangerous voice.

"I – I," Vernon began to bluster.

Xander's right hand flashed out in a backhand that spun Vernon like a top, before dropping him unconscious to the floor.

"Vald-o-mart used your blood to resurrect himself, making the protections worthless since they're blood based," Xander quickly explained. "Peter is hiding in the front seat of my car because your place is being watched by some of Dumbledore's men under invisibility cloaks who would object to you being rescued."

Harriet Potter just stared at him in shock.

"Too much?" Xander asked.

"I – I'm really being rescued?" she asked tearfully.

"Yep," Xander confirmed just before he found his arms full of crying redhead, listening to a tale that was seriously tempting him to do something terminal to Vernon.

"He – he sent them on v-vacation to weaken the wards," she explained, "he said since I was sixteen now I'd be legal and he deserved something for putting up with me all these years."

"Did I get here in time or should I be preparing to dispose of his body?" Xander asked gently.

Harriet's eyes shot wide open. "He was planning it for after dinner, please don't get in trouble on my account!"

"Can I at least curse him while you get your things?" Xander whined.

"I think the wards would prevent that," she said while wiping her eyes and regaining her composure.

"If he weakened the wards as much as he thinks, I should be able to," Xander said pulling out a small notebook and paging through it.

"I'll just go get my things real quick," she said, hurrying to get her things so she could get back in time to prevent her rescuer from doing anything that would get him in trouble.

Xander pulled out a small silver rod and began writing lines of runes in burning shadow that glittered like diamonds in the night sky before fading deeper into his shadow and vanishing.

Harriet returned just in time to see Xander completing the last line. "What kind of magic is that?"

"Runic," Xander replied cheerfully as he put away his notebook and rod.

"Why didn't you use your wand?"

"I'm not a wizard," Xander replied, "I'm an artificer."

"What's that?" she asked curiously.

"I can create magical items, but I'm not magical myself," Xander explained.

"How does that work?" she asked confusedly.

"You don't have to be magical to use magic if you know what you're doing. Now, have you got everything?"

"Yeah, the twins and Hermione got me a mokeskin bag."

"Then let's blow this Popsicle stand before something stops us," Xander said, not knowing what a mokeskin bag was, but thinking it was probably something like a bag of holding, since she didn't appear to be carrying any luggage.

They walked calmly out of the house and to the car, where Harriet had to restrain herself from giving away the fact that Padfoot was hiding on the floorboard.

"What's the plan?" she asked as they drove away.

Padfoot climbed up on the seat and turned back into Peter, now that they were safely away and hugged his goddaughter.

"Plan is a pretty big word for what we're doing," Xander declared with a grin.

"Why don't I like the sound of that?" Harriet groaned.

"Because you have a deplorable amount of common sense?" Peter suggested.

Harriet laughed.

"How'd you get the black eye?" Peter asked, his concern obvious on his face and in his voice.

"Vernon," she admitted, looking down.

"None of that," Peter said gently, "the responsibility for what that rat does lies with him, now let's turn this car around so I can go kill him."

"Peter!"

"He deserves it!"

"Relax, I took care of it." Xander promised.

"What did you do?" Harriet asked curiously.

"I engraved a series of runic spells on his shadow."

"Like what?" Peter asked after a minute had passed and Xander hadn't elaborated.

"Well first he's going to lose all that excess weight and that awful mustache of his," Xander replied.

"And?" Peter asked.

"Then his hair is going to become silky smooth and his skin is going to lose all its imperfections."

"You're turning him into a male model?" Harriet asked confused.

"Yep," Xander said smugly, "he's going to turn into a very pretty man."

"And then?" Peter asked suspiciously.

"And then his compulsion to get himself incarcerated should kick in."

"He's going to be passed around like Bellatrix at a death eater revel!" Peter burst out.

"Yep," Xander said with a grin. "I believe in letting the punishment fit the crime."

"Crime?" Peter asked intently.

"Just because we prevented the crime doesn't mean we can't punish him for planning to commit it," Xander explained.

Peter sighed in relief.

Harriet leaned against Xander, feeling something she rarely felt; safe. He reminded her of Hagrid a little, seeming so much solider than his surroundings. "So, what is the plan?"

"Step one, Rescue Harry," Xander said. "Check!"

"Step two … did we have a step two?" Peter asked.

"Not really," Xander admitted, "just a vague plan of stealing Death Eater estates to narrow down the places Wormtail could hide."

"How in the world are you going to steal estates?" Harriet asked.

Xander grinned and followed the directions of a little blue arrow marked 'Empty Parking Spot' so he could park. "Follow me," he said, crawling over the back seat.

Harriet followed, her eyes drawn to his butt.

"Bloody hell!" Peter heard her yell a few minutes later before he followed himself.

"I've seen Hell; well portals to it anyway – this is more like limbo, but where it is would be the back seat of my car."

"He has his own Padfoot with him from an alternate universe," Peter explained, "only his Padfoot makes Voldemort look like a squib."

"Really?" Harriet asked as they lead her to the porno shop.

"Really," Peter said cheerfully, "want to meet him?"

Xander decided to head off the disaster he could see coming, "Just so you know, my Padfoot is Sirius. You see, Wormtail is the betrayer, but Sirius isn't always Wormtail."

"What?" she asked confused.

"Aww, it would have been funny if she discovered it herself," Peter pouted.

"Not a good idea," Xander shook his head. "Sirius has a huge amount of power, but no real control yet. He's very careful when casting spells, but if he's attacked he could end up casting something reflexively without remembering. He's only been all powerful for a couple of days after all."

"Good point," Peter said wincing. "In there is a good Sirius, don't attack," he ordered Harriet.

"Okay," she promised before entering the Raunch O 'Mart and coming out as quickly as she went in, her face a bright red. "Well at least I can be sure he's not a death eater."

"Yeah?" Peter asked, trying his best not to laugh.

"Yeah, I'm pretty sure I saw everywhere the dark mark could be hidden."

Peter fell down laughing, so naturally Harriet started kicking him, making Xander laugh.

**AN: Typing by Godogma!**


	17. Chapter 17

**Walking in the shadows 17**

"I can't believe you tricked me into walking in on that," Harriet complained.

"Seemed the best way to prove he had no silver parts," Peter offered.

"Got that right," she muttered, blushing.

"Why's he call you Harry all the time?" Xander asked, deliberately changing the subject.

"It's my Marauder name," Harriet explained.

"You're an animagus?" Sirius asked excitedly, startling the three as he came out of the shop with Penny in tow.

"Nope," Harriet replied cheerfully, thankful the two were dressed.

"Like Mooney she's blocked from becoming an animagus and much like Mooney she has something else instead," Peter said proudly.

"Aunt Petunia was so jealous of my hair she gave me many, many, many awful haircuts," Harriet explained, "and after several dozen incidents of accidental magic it became not so accidental."

Peter pulled out his wand and conjured several blue rubber balls that he flicked at Harriet's head.

Harriet's hair snatched them out of the air and started juggling them.

"Cool," Sirius and Xander chorused.

"So you were planning on stealing Death Eater estates?" Harriet asked while her hair pegged Peter with the rubber balls.

"Yup," Sirius agreed eagerly. "Peter is stuck as a fugitive until he catches his Wormtail, but with Wormtail switching estates regularly he's too hard to find. So if me and Xander collect all the Death Eater estates we'll take away a lot of the places he can hide and cost the Death Eaters a lot of money."

"But if you're that powerful, couldn't you just cast a powerful enough tracking charm to find him despite any wards he hides behind?" Harriet asked.

"Yeah," Sirius admitted, "but then I wouldn't get to steal the homes of Death Eaters, so you can clearly see the flaws in that plan."

"Exactly," Peter agreed cheerfully.

Harriet groaned. "Couldn't we catch the rat and then mug the Death Eaters? They're evil, what other excuse do we need?"

"It's much less epic that way, but it works," Xander admitted.

"Epic?" Harriet asked confused.

"Doing it while hunting for Wormtail makes it look more like incidental damage," Peter explained.

"And that means buku style points!" Sirius enthused.

"You're both insane, you know that, right?" Harriet deadpanned.

"We could recoup the lost style points by doing things like hanging a pirate flag from the antenna," Penny suggested.

"We'd need tricorn hats and cutlasses," Xander said warming to the idea.

"Brilliant!" Peter exclaimed.

"With a cannon in the boot and some fancy charms, that'd more than make up for the style points!" Sirius said excitedly.

Harriet buried her face in her hands and groaned, "I'm surrounded by lunatics."

Xander pulled her into a hug, treating her like he would Willow. "But you love us anyway."

Harriet, who wasn't really used to physical affection, blushed heavily but didn't pull away. "We'd need to paint the car black," she offered absently.

"So we grab the rat and clear my name of the crimes I've been wrongfully accused of," Peter said mock righteously.

"Before committing even greater crimes," Sirius finished in the same tone.

"What?" Harriet asked, making no move to vacate her current position.

"Against Death Eaters," Xander assured her.

"Oh, that's ok then," she replied.

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0

"The charms are going to be complicated as hell," Peter said thoughtfully as he looked at the plans they'd drawn up.

"I got power to spare, but we usually relied on Remus for help with the fiddly bits," Sirius admitted.

"Arithmancy is a bitch," Peter said with a sigh.

"Kidnap Remus?" Sirius suggested.

"Yeah," Peter agreed, "but you snag him, it'll be funnier that way."

"It'll scare the hell out of him," Harriet pointed out.

"That's what he said," Sirius agreed.

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0

Remus blinked groggily and looked around as he shook off the after effects of a stunner. He was tied to a tree, he could see Padfoot's limp form on the ground and Harriet chained to an altar like a sacrifice. This was not good.

Three black robed figures stepped out of the darkness.

"Death Eaters!" Remus growled.

Sirius pulled back the hood of his robe and grinned.

"Wormtail!" Remus all but roared at the sight of the traitor, his eyes taking on an amber glow. "You may have got Peter and captured Harriet, but you've made your last mistake!"

"What mistake?" Sirius asked, confused and a bit freaked out by Remus' glowing eyes. "The full moon isn't for days!" he protested when he realized what he was seeing.

"It's close enough." Remus' features slowly began to change.

"Oops! Ok, maybe we overdid it a little," Sirius admitted.

Xander quickly stepped forward and fumbled a pair of amulets off his neck and placed them around Remus' while avoiding his snapping teeth.

The change was instantaneous, Remus' eyes stopped glowing and his features returned to normal.

"What? I can't feel the wolf. What did you do?" Remus demanded, still struggling with the ropes.

Padfoot quickly transformed back into Peter and Harriet slipped out of her chains. Xander and Penny pulled back their hoods.

"Padfoot, did you just go through a complicated and completely tasteless prank to show me you found a cure for lycanthropy?" Remus asked in shock.

"No… we went through a complicated and completely tasteless prank, just to play a completely tasteless and complicated prank," Peter admitted. "We were kidnapping you because we needed some help with some charm work and this seemed like a perfect time for a prank."

"And the amulets?" Remus asked confused.

"Made them to prevent a repeat of a couple of incidents in High School," Xander admitted. "One prevents physical transformations and the other prevents animal spirits from possessing you. And man is Oz and Willow going to be pissed I had a cure and never thought of testing it on Oz."

"Where did you go to school?" Remus and Peter chorused in shock.

Sirius and Penny already knew about his school, so they weren't surprised and Harriet had a pretty skewed view of school from her own experiences, so she didn't think it sounded all that unusual.

"Mouth of Hell," Xander said, waving it off. "Keep the amulets for now. I'll see if I can make you an amulet just for your problem later before getting them back."

"I… find that strangely credible," Remus said after a moment. "Now, could someone please untie me and explain why we aren't hexing the hell out of Wormtail?"

"I'm not Wormtail," Sirius explained as Peter freed Remus.

"Polyjuice?" Remus asked straightening his clothes.

"Polydimensional," Peter corrected him.

Sirius transformed into Padfoot and Peter quickly copied him.

"Dear God, there's two of them!" Remus groaned.

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0

"So, tell me about yourself," Harriet said, as Xander drove the invisible flying car.

Xander shrugged, not paying much attention to the 'road' in front of them, as there wasn't anything to hit at their altitude except possibly a bird or two. "Not much to tell really, just graduated from High School, decided to see the US since I never even set foot outside of my hometown before."

"And the demon hunting?"

"Well it turned out my High School was right on top of the Mouth of Hell and it attracted demons like a porch light attracts moths, mostly just vampire though," he said thoughtfully.

"And you hunt them?" she interrupted him.

"Hunt is a strong word," Xander joked. "Most of the time all we had to do was walk through a graveyard at night and try and look tasty."

"So you only go after vampires that are a threat to people?" Harriet asked hopefully.

Xander frowned in confusion for a second before his face cleared in understanding. "Oh, yeah. In this world vampires are 'Dark Creatures' and not demons. Me and my friends dealt with a completely different species than what you're thinking of. You see vampires in my world are corpses inhabited by blood demons with all the memories of the corpse they animate."

"How can you be sure?" Harriet asked.

"Me and Sirius had a long talk about the differences in our vamps. Our vamps have no souls and it's been verified with magic. The only vamp that we ran into that had a soul was caused by a Gypsy curse," he assured her.

"How about werewolves?" she asked.

"Ours are almost exactly like yours," Xander assured her, "humans with a curse."

"So you don't hunt them?"

"Not unless they deliberately run around killing people," he replied. "We've only had the one and once Oz knew what he was he made sure to lock himself up when he needed it. On the scale of things, being a werewolf was considered no more than a minor personal problem to us. It just meant that three nights a month he and Willow weren't available to patrol with."

"So he hunted with you?"

"Yeah, Oz was one of us."

"Glad to hear it. Remus has enough problems with the way he gets treated by the rest of the magical world, he really doesn't need any more stress."

"He's fine and those amulets I loaned him should hold him till I either make duplicates for him or figure out one specifically for his problem," Xander said thoughtfully. "It's a lot easier to make these things with a mage on hand."

"Being an artificer must have come in handy while hunting demons if you're all muggles."

"Actually me and Cordy were the only two normal humans in the group. Jana, Giles, and Willow were all magic practioners of one kind or another, though Giles avoids using any magic these days and Jana's was definitely in the non-combat category. Willow's still learning and her spells don't always work the way she intends yet, so magic was rarely our first response to anything."

"I can't imagine giving up magic and even first year spells are pretty handy in battle."

"We don't have magical and non-magical people," Xander explained. "We just have people and magic talent is more like a talent for art, some people are really skilled and others suck eggs, but anyone can learn it if they put in the effort and buckle down."

"Then why don't they?" she asked confused.

"Magic isn't regulated like it is here, but it's still mostly hidden and it's a lot harder to learn, unless you have a talent for it of course. There are generally easier and less dangerous ways to do almost anything, so most people who know of magic don't take the risk."

"But you make magical items?" she asked, trying to understand.

"Yep, I probably read too many D&D manuals, but the idea of magical items always appealed to me. So, naturally when something bad happened involving the supernatural, I thought 'Wouldn't it be nice if I had something that prevented that?' and the next thing I knew I was hitting the books and figuring out how to make an amulet to prevent it happening again."

"How is that not useful?"

"Because we generally had a new threat every week and the normal everyday threats were always solvable with the right application of violence and personally we had some geniuses in the application of violence in our group."

"So if something was turning people to stone…"

"I'd figure out how to prevent being turned to stone just in time for some new threat to pop out of the woodwork and long past the time we'd already beheaded whatever was turning people to stone."

"Not enough advanced warning?"

"Nope, we rarely got more than a day, if that."

"I usually had all year to figure out what was going on and fix it," Harriet admitted.

"Sunnydale had higher standards than most schools, thanks to a very old fashioned mayor," Xander said mock pompously.

"My first year I had to jump on the back of a troll to save my best friend," she challenged.

"Animal possessed students ate our principle alive during my second year, making a troll our principle, until he was eaten by a giant snake during graduation," Xander replied with a grin.

"You got a giant snake for graduation?" Harriet scoffed. "I got one my second year that could turn people to stone with just the reflection of its gaze and a dark wizard trying to resurrect himself, by draining the lifeforce out of a friend's sister, controlling it."

Xander chuckled. "The giant snake was a pureblood demon and the only record of one being killed was by the eruption of a volcano. He was also a dark wizard with an army of vampires to ensure we couldn't escape so he could eat us."

"What'd you do?"

"Since we knew it was coming this time, we were able to prepare. I turned out graduating class into an army and filled the library with homemade explosives. If I just had another couple of days to train them, we probably could have pulled it off with a lot less casualties, but even so, we had the largest percentage of surviving students for graduation since the town was founded."

"Why'd you fill the library with explosives?"

"The focal point of our group was Buffy Summers, the chosen one. She was our best fighter and has probably saved each student in the school a dozen times over. She lured Mayor McSnake into the library so we could blow him up."

"I thought you needed a volcano."

"If he'd managed to eat us all that probably would have been the only way to take him out, but he wasn't at full strength having just transformed, so I was betting, like everything else in existence, a large enough quantity of Blam would kill him."

"What about Buffy?"

"We had an escape route ready for her. We weren't about to let her die after all we'd been through together. So the good guys won and then I left to see the US. Haven't quite managed that yet."

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0

"Are you guys going to help me with this or are you just going to watch porn?" Remus demanded as he worked on the spell.

"Shhhh!" the three shushed him.

"This is the best part!" Penny exclaimed.

Dirty Harriet posed naked on screen with a hand on her hip as she stood over a naked man. "Science has proven women have a lot more sexual stamina than men, six times the amount in fact. I've already dealt with the rest of your gang, but in all the excitement I've lost track, have I handled six of your men or only five?"

The criminal looked up at her chest, coated in sweat… among other things, and licked his lips nervously.

"So the question you have to ask yourself is… Do you wanna get lucky? Well do you, punk?"

Remus rolled his eyes and returned to his work, not noticing that he'd changed a five to a six in one of the arithmancy formulas.

**AN: I typed it myself. God, it was 4 hours of back breaking labor, I'll never do that again! **


	18. Chapter 18

**Walking in Shadows – Chapter 18 **

**(That other bit part 3)**

"And there's my school," Harriet said proudly, her black eye having been healed by Peter and a smile lighting up her face, making her look completely different from the vulnerable and downtrodden girl he'd picked up from the Dursley's.

Xander grinned, she said school in the same way most people said home; he probably sounded the same way talking about the school library where he and the rest of the Scoobs hung out; slept, studied, fought, died … Home wasn't always a house, they'd bled for the ground above the Hellmouth and from what he'd heard she'd bled for Hogwarts.

"Where should I land?" Xander asked as they circled the castle grounds and it seemed to show off for them; tentacles waving from the lake, stones sparkling in the sun as if Walt Disney and the Brothers Grimm had gotten together and hammered out what a magical castle should be.

"Park next to the hut, but avoid that tree over there when coming in; it doesn't like cars." she replied eagerly, happy to be home.

Xander released the parking break, causing the car to descend smoothly to the ground. "Everyone return your seat backs and tray tables to their full upright positions, we are here!"

Climbing out of the car they were quickly met by Dumbledore and Snape; Xander recognized him from Sirius' description – like a vampire with a hygiene problem.

"Harriet?" Dumbledore asked in confusion, Hogwarts having told him someone it was fond of was coming but not who.

"Professor Dumbledore," she replied cheerfully, "didn't even scratch the paint this time."

Snape's eyes narrowed as he studied Xander. "You have the strongest occlumency shields I've ever felt, even the Dark Lord doesn't put half the effort into maintaining them that you must. What are you hiding?"

"Occlumency?" Xander asked.

"He's not a wizard," Harriet quickly spoke up, "so he won't get half what you say using magical terms."

"His shields are much too strong to be self-taught," Snape disagreed, thinking he might be a muggleborn who'd slipped through the cracks and been taken under the wing of a wizard in hiding.

"Occlumency is the art of shielding the mind from being read," Harriet explained to Xander.

"Ah!" Xander said, "I made an amulet to block that after one of my friends developed telepathy. Because really; no girl should be allowed to read a teenaged boy's mind, it's just not fair to either one."

"You're joking," Snape replied.

"I have a singular talent for making magical items, and until recently I mostly stuck to amulets. I'm only taking it off for a couple of seconds so peek while you can," Xander explained, untangling a small golden pyramid with an eye in the center from the collection of amulets he was wearing and taking it off before focusing on some of the battles he'd seen at Buffy's side.

"My god!" Dumbledore said paling while Snape flinched as if struck.

Xander quickly put the amulet back on.

"Well, I'm not a legilimencer or mind reader," Harriet said, "so what did you just show them?"

"Some of my school years most memorable moments," Xander replied.

"Im-Impossible!" Snape stuttered, shivering. He'd seen the evils that man could stoop to, but that hadn't prepared him for the evils men allied with demons would dare.

"And this is all happening in the States?" Dumbledore asked in horror.

"Different worlds," Xander reminded him, remembering both Padfoot's yelling about him poking around in their heads.

"That's somewhat comforting," Dumbledore said, "but I'd feel better if it weren't going on at all."

"With infinity you get infinite wonder as well as infinite horror," Xander said with a shrug. "Infinite wonder; I have a daughter, infinite horror; my other self had a daughter – don't ask. You can either curse the darkness or light someone rude on fire."

Sirius and Peter climbed over the seat arguing before Dumbledore could reply to Xander's mangled quote.

"The Black Pearl is a classic!" Sirius argued.

"But not as well known as the Flying Dutchman," Peter countered.

"We can just do both," Remus pointed out as he clambered after them.

"I still like Serial Peacekeeper," Penny following Remus, "it gets more threatening every time you hear it."

"Sirius?" Snape asked confused.

"Dead Sirius!" he replied proudly.

Xander chuckled. "How long have you been waiting to use that one?"

"Since I did a header through the Veil of Death," Sirius admitted with an unrepentant grin.

"Picked him up in a desert, dying of thirst," Xander explained, "could have been the land of the dead for all I know, the whole world hopping thing is kinda random."

"I'm a Sirius Black who is another Padfoot not a Wormtail, meaning I stayed loyal," he explained, "fell through the Veil of Death battling Death Eaters, got ungodly powerful, currently traveling with Xander hoping to head home eventually."

"Harriet dear," Dumbledore asked curiously, "why are you here instead of with the Dursleys where it's safe?"

Harriet blanched and Xander put an arm around her to comfort her.

Snape froze in place as he looked into Harriet's eyes, his passive legilimency showing him recent events.

"I didn't know," Dumbledore said, looking as if he'd aged a hundred years in the past few moments as he too read her memories of events.

"Harriet is never going back there and Vernon's been taken care of," Peter said.

"I can't believe he'd sink so low," Dumbledore said numbly.

"You promised me she would be safe," Snape growled at Dumbledore, almost as fiercely as Remus had earlier.

"I had guards posted to ensure she wouldn't be harmed and to assist her if the need arose," Dumbledore said, shaking his head, "they may not have heard anything said inside, but if even a single drop of her blood had been spilled they'd have responded. I gave them rings that would vibrate should that occur, so even if it happened indoors they would know."

"And you never imagined a situation like this occurring," Snape said with a tired sigh, knowing Dumbledore's weakness was his excessive faith in humanity.

"I never imagined Vernon would behave so … inhumanely," Dumbledore said sadly.

Snape turned back to Harriet. "Well I'm glad you're okay, would you like to join me for lunch? Your rescuers are welcome as well," Snape added when he saw how she leaned into Xander taking his hand.

"No fair!" Sirius complained. "You guys got a decent Snape while I got a defective one!"

"What?" Snape asked confused.

"You clearly care about Harriet and seem to be a decent bloke," Sirius explained, "my Snape is a complete asshat who spends a fair amount of time trying to make Harry's life hell and get him expelled from Hogwarts."

"I think that's the nicest thing you've ever said to me," Snape replied after a moment, "and by that I mean Padfoot."

"Best go to lunch before one of the Padfoots says something stupid and ruins it," Remus suggested wryly.

"Hey!" they chorused before falling silent and looking at one another, both still a bit weirded out that they were so much alike despite being different people.

Peter shrugged. "He's probably right."

Remus nodded. "I need the Padfoots here for this and I could use Professor Dumbledore's help if he doesn't mind."

"Penny?" Xander asked, seeing if she wanted to join them.

"I'm not hungry and I want to see this," she said waving it off.

"Have fun!" Xander said.

Penny smiled brightly and returned to watching as Remus drew Dumbledore into a technical discussion on magic while the Padfoots explained the effects they were going for.

"While your mind is shielded; hers is invisible," Snape said as he led them across the lawn. "Sibling?"

"Daughter," Xander corrected.

"Really?" Snape asked a bit of surprise leaking past his usually guarded expression. "But you look the same age."

"Just after I found Padfoot we ran across a world where there was no living being we could find except her. There were a handful of zombies scattered about but that was all; turns out she was my daughter by my prom date Anya and my best friend Willow in an alternate future."

"Three people?" Harriet asked in confusion. "How does that work?"

Snape cleared his throat. "I believe alcohol is generally involved."

"Ack!" Harriet started blushing bright red as Snape chuckled.

"Sorry, couldn't resist," Snape admitted, glad to see an annoyed but amused look on her face as it meant she was recovering quite nicely from her recent trauma.

"All I know is that we three are her parents," Xander replied with a grin, "and she gets her red hair from my best friend Willow a powerful witch; and definitely her looks and attitude from Anya who spent a thousand years as a vengeance demon before becoming human again."

"You come from a very strange world," Snape said after staring at him in stunned disbelief.

"Can't argue with that," Xander agreed.

Snape led them into the castle proper.

"Suits of armor, torches, tapestries and oil paintings," Xander said as he looked around the entryway. "This is what I always thought a castle should look like."

"Be it ever so humble," Snape said as he led them into the great hall.

Xander whistled, impressed by the general feel of the place. "Why no ceiling?"

"The ceiling is just charmed to show the sky outdoors," Harriet explained, "my friend Hermione will talk your ear off about the charm work involved if you'll let her."

"Does it ever show anything else, like under the lake?" Xander asked.

"Under the lake?" Snape replied curiously.

"Sure, imagine charming the ceiling above your bed to show the depths of the lake so if you couldn't sleep you could just lay back and watch the fish swim by like a giant aquarium."

"That … sounds rather pleasant actually," Snape said thoughtfully, "I may have to consult with Miss Granger on that idea."

"Harriet!" Hagrid called out as they approached the head table. "It's good to see you! Who's your friend?"

"Xander, Hagrid... Hagrid this is Xander; Xander this is Hagrid. He teaches us about magical animals and how to care for them," she explained, absently stroking his arm with her free hand.

"Now that sounds like a fun class. Nothing like that in my school," Xander enthused. "And the closest we got to having a pet is the three nights Oz turns into a wolf; and really taking him for a walk is a lot more difficult than you'd think. I was stuck wolf sitting one night because Willow had a test the next day and I fell asleep ..."

"You fell asleep watching a werewolf?" Snape asked in disbelief recalling his own unpleasant encounters with Remus.

"It's really not as exciting as it sounds," Xander replied, "once he realized he couldn't escape or eat the person watching him he generally just slept. Anyway I fell asleep and he somehow managed to pry open the small window high up in his cage without waking me and snuck out."

"Was anyone hurt?" Madame Pomfrey asked anxiously.

"No," Xander waved it off. "I got the tranquilizer pistol and tracked him down but before I could find him, a pair of vamps attacked me and out of nowhere he pops up and tears them apart. Spying me he runs off and well to make a long story short … I managed to catch him and get him back in his cage after running all over the place. But Snyder complaining about some wild animals eating his toy poodles the next day gave it away and I was never allowed to wolf sit again."

The staff just stared at him in shock.

"Yeah, I thought it was unfair myself. I mean, I'd gotten him trained to sit using cheeseburgers and it's not like we could have any normal pets, because some demon always ate them. Hell, a vamp even broke into Willow's house to kill her goldfish once. What kind of sick bastard kills your goldfish? A vampiric one that's who!"

"Demons?" the diminutive charms professor asked.

"He's from another world," Snape explained, enjoying the stunned looks of the staff.

0oOo0

"Are you sure you have the power for this?" Dumbledore asked as he went over the runes and lines surrounding the four of them standing at each of the car's four corners.

Sirius shrugged. "Somehow I've ended up with the power of Merlin and the control of a first year."

Dumbledore nodded and started drawing additional runes around Sirius and the others. "You provide power, I'll provide control."

"Absorption runes?" Remus asked curiously.

"Technically labeled dark because of the use most dark wizards put them to, but in this case it'll simply spread any excess power that he leaks out between the three of us, so he won't lose control," Dumbledore explained.

"Works for me," Sirius chimed cheerfully, "now let's get this show on the road, it's getting a bit chilly out here."

"Cast a warming charm on yourself," Remus suggested.

"I don't feel like incinerating myself today," Sirius replied dryly.

Peter snickered and cast the spell only to watch as it got sucked into the circle around Sirius, causing the circle to glow slightly.

Dumbledore chuckled as he took his spot inside his own circle. "Any spells cast will simply add power to the runes until its complete, now remember once we start we can't stop until it's done, so if you have to pee go now."

The others grinned but stood still.

"Okay, here we go." Dumbledore began chanting, followed shortly by Remus, the runes glowing bright enough to shine in the sunlight.

Peter began chanting and Sirius followed after precisely three seconds, turning the lines from slightly painful to look at gold lines with the three wizard's power combined into solid bars of light as bright as the sun itself.

Power poured into the three wizards linked up with Sirius as they struggled for control.

Two black cloaked figures approached slowly; they'd been ordered to find and silence a young witch, but the power pouring off Sirius drew them in like moths to flame.

The four wizards stared in horror, unable to defend themselves as they were forced to continue the spell despite the approaching dementors.

Dumbledore cursed himself mentally for not sensing their approach through the woods as they floated towards Sirius.

0oOo0

"So, what would you like to see?" Harriet asked as they finished lunch.

"The skeleton of the honking big snake," Xander said.

"Been ages since I went down there," Harriet replied as she hopped up grabbing Xander's hand. "Coming professor?" she asked, knowing Snape would probably like to come along to chaperone.

"I think I'll have some tea instead, thanks all the same," Snape replied, "go have fun."

Harriet beamed and drug Xander off by the hand, as the staff turned and stared at Snape.

"What?" he asked dryly after the pair had left.

Minerva raised an eyebrow. "Usually you are more than a little overprotective of her and yet here you are allowing her to run off with one of the strangest young men it's ever been my pleasure to meet, who she's obviously besotted with."

"You're all well aware that I'm a legilimencer and I've been teaching her occlumency since the first day she arrived," Snape said.

There was a general murmur of agreement, thought the staff didn't see the connection..

"Well what you don't know is the main reason I'm doing it isn't to help her grades, it's to heal her," Snape said solemnly.

"Heal her?" Madame Pomfrey exclaimed.

"Yes, heal her," Snape agreed, "between the killing curse and the Dursleys she did not arrive in good mental condition. Add to that the amount of stress she continually labors under each and every year and I consider it a bloody fricken miracle she hasn't shattered under the strain even with all I've done to help her!"

Minerva looked horrified, Pomfrey was obviously berating herself for not noticing anything, despite not being a qualified mind healer, and Filius looked saddened; having seen the results of just such a break far too many times. Hagrid's face was blank as if someone had hit him with a stunner, a sure sign he'd be blubbering shortly once he'd wrapped his mind around the whole thing.

"You say I'm over protective, well I say I'm not protective enough!" Snape declared firmly, not noticing the four wizards staggering into the room behind the staff table. "I will chase off any boy that seeks nothing more than to get inside her knickers, because she doesn't need the pressure having a reputation as being easy would put on her. It's unfair but that's life."

Snape took a sip of tea before continuing, "As for that strange young man she is besotted with; I witnessed something I have never seen before when he put his arm around her, I saw cracks in her psyche begin to heal, I saw emotional scars fade with unbelievable speed!"

The four wizards with smoke rising from their hair exchanged glances.

"So if spending time with him will help heal her … hell if her having sex with him will help, I will not only encourage it I will give her instructions step by step and personally jiggle his bloody bollocks!" Snape finished with a glare at anyone inclined to disagree.

"Told you he was superior," Sirius said, drawing attention to his presence and causing several people to reach for their wands before they noticed Dumbledore.

"What happened?" Snape asked as he took in the four's ragged condition and Madame Pomfrey hurried to make sure they were alright.

"A minor error in an arithmancy formula," Remus admitted.

"Complicated by the use of absorption runes," Dumbledore added guiltily.

"And further complicated by a dementor attack," Sirius chimed in cheerfully.

"And someone with more power than brains," Peter finished.

"Hey!" Sirius complained.

"You've got more power than all of us put together have brains," Remus said dryly.

"Oh, okay." Sirius said mollified.

"Mister Black?" McGonagall asked warily.

"Not the one you're thinking of, no," Sirius replied.

"You're not Sirius Black?" she asked skeptically.

"That's my name, but I'm not a local," Sirius explained, quite happy to hand out confusing non-explanations all day.

"What?" she asked, confused.

"Dimensional analog of the mutt, not the rat," Snape clarified.

"I … see," Minerva said as things began to click in her head.

"Would someone care to explain why the three of you show signs of core strain, as if you'd all just underwent a risky and highly illegal enhancement ritual?" Madame Pomfrey asked dryly as she started examining Sirius expecting to find the same signs.

"We've already covered that," Peter said.

"Fine, what were you trying to cast?" McGonagall asked.

"We were trying to illegally enhance a muggle vehicle, not illegally enhance ourselves," Sirius replied while Madame Pomfrey frowned and recast the diagnostic spells she'd just cast on him.

Dumbledore sent a piece of parchment in front of Minerva, whereupon she immediately snatched it up and started making corrections.

"We really should have asked for her help," Remus said.

"She's not nearly as crazy as Dumbledore," Peter pointed out, "she'd never have gone for it."

"I'm not that barmy," Dumbledore defended himself.

"Yes you are," McGonagall corrected him, "otherwise you'd have done a bit of research and not just have jumped into this. At the very least you'd have checked the arithmancy and runes first for errors."

"Yes, well ..." Dumbledore popped a lemon drop in his mouth and said no more.

0oOo0

"Open!" Harriet hissed, wondering belatedly if he'd react badly to her being a parselmouth as the sink slid to the side and a secret passage opened.

"You just have to hiss and it opens?" Xander asked. "Cool imitation of a snake by the way, I can do a bullfrog but every time I try to do a snake I end up spitting everywhere."

"I … I'm a parselmouth," she explained nervously.

"I've heard that phrase," he said, rummaging through his memory, "snake speaker right?"

"Yeah," she admitted.

"Do they ever say anything interesting or is it mostly about eating mice and sleeping?" Xander asked curiously as he stepped into the dark tunnel.

Relieved he didn't care she smiled and replied, "Depends on how much time they spend around humans. In the wild it's warmth and rodents, but ones that spend a lot of time around people tend to talk a lot like us."

Xander looked down at the slide that led into the chamber, the light from the bathroom barely reaching them. "I wonder if cats are the same way?"

She couldn't stop herself from adding, "Of course around here it's considered the sign of a dark witch or wizard."

"I've only heard about it in connection to healing rituals and some religious rites," Xander said, "why in the world would someone think it was dark?"

"The family famous for it over here was dark," she admitted.

"Meh, people believe anything if it's repeated enough," Xander said absently squinting to try and cut through the gloom.

"You just slide down into the chamber," Harriet explained, "want me to go first?"

"I got it," Xander said, stepping forward and dropping onto the slide. "Woohoo!"

As he landed on his back on the floor he realized they'd forgotten to bring anything for light and the place was as dark as it was possible to get.

Barely a second later Harriet landed atop him. "Sorry, I forgot you wouldn't be able to cast a light spell."

Xander's arms curled around her instinctively. "You should be sorry," he teased, "I'm afraid of the dark."

"I … I guess I'll have to stay close and comfort you then," she said hesitantly; her lips close enough to his to feel his breath and glad the darkness was covering up her blush.

Xander was unsurprised when her lips descended upon his nose then quickly moved to his own. He happily followed her lead, letting her set the pace; he could feel her hesitant and fractured mental presence fluttering against him like a herd of moth's wings as they kissed, her tongue tentatively brushing his.

0oOo0

"Show me what you've done," McGonagall ordered like she was talking to a group of errant schoolboys.

The four despite being adults and in one case being older than her, hung their heads and led her outside.

Examining the parchment and the car she shook her head. "I don't know where the spell took material for the other forms from and you were extremely lucky you were able to drive the dementors off."

"We didn't drive them off," Remus admitted, "they hit the absorption runes around Sirius and vanished in a burst of light."

"At the same time?" she asked in shock.

"No … Penny tossed the second one there after finding out that twisting its head off wouldn't kill it."

"I …" Minerva fell silent for a moment before deciding it was unimportant, "what's the trigger?"

"Aren't I supposed to be the dark wizard here?" Snape asked dryly. "I can't believe you used absorption runes and sacrificed two dementors to power a spell and didn't even invite me!"

"Everyone in the auto! I wish to see if it worked," Dumbledore declared trying to distract Severus.

"Follow me," Sirius said, "we'll wait in the porn shop while they switch things around."

Snape followed, asking curiously, "Porn shop?"

"Yeah, muggle porn is even better than magical porn in some ways!" Peter promised.

Remus shook his head. "I want to see how things look from the outside."

"Suit yourself, we're taking her out on the water!" Dumbledore said excitedly.

Remus started walking towards the lake, ignoring the sounds of Dumbledore and McGonagall arguing about how to drive, barely discernible over the sounds of Dumbledore doing serious damage to a transmission.

0oOo0

Harriet was almost positive she was some sort of feline animagus because she really felt like purring at the moment. "That was brilliant!" she panted out, "I can't believe I turned down so many offers to do this!"

Xander chuckled. "And it'd probably be even better in an actual bed."

"I don't know if I can take better! My toes are tingling and my brain feels like its been dry cleaned, fluffed and folded."

"Careful, you'll swell my ego," Xander teased.

"That's not all I feel swelling," Harriet teased back throatily.

"I'm up for another round, unless you'd like more time to rest."

"We can do this again? Right now?"

**AN: Typing by the ever patient Godogma!**


	19. Chapter 19

**Walking in Shadows: Chapter the 19th **

"Is it always like this?" Harriet asked as she lay atop Xander, the heat they generated keeping her warm as they lay together in the dark.

"Sometimes it's better, sometimes it's worse," Xander replied. "The first time is generally okay, but the longer you're with someone and the deeper your bond the better it is."

"I've heard the gossip from the rest of the girls in Gryffindor and they never mentioned anything like that," she said, thinking what he said made a hell of a lot more sense than a lot of the rumors the other girls shared.

"They probably focused on size, looks and wealth, right?" he asked, recalling hearing far too much female gossip, thanks to Cordelia and Buffy who regarded keeping up with the latest gossip to be almost as important as breathing.

"All the time!" she confirmed, her tone of voice saying how annoying she found it, much to Xander's amusement.

"Sex, when used as a tool for social status or as a toy for the entertainment value, is almost completely superficial."

"But?" she asked, years of listening to Hermione trying to educate Ron telling her he had more to say on the subject.

"Well, if you insist..." Xander said, giving hers a squeeze. "I suppose we could try it, but really it's better if we use lube."

Harriet laughed and slapped his chest lightly. "I meant tell me more, no one is sticking anything up there without a fight."

Xander smiled widely, hearing the strength of conviction in her voice that had been absent earlier. The presence that had felt like a cloud of moth wings now felt solid, uniform, warm …

"We should probably get dressed," Xander said reluctantly. "I can talk while we search for our clothes."

"I'm perfectly comfy right here," she denied with a grin in her voice.

"And I'm laying on cold stone and have rodent skeletons ground into my back," he pointed out.

"Okay," she said reluctantly. "But we are going to do this properly in a bed later?" she half asked and half stated.

"You have my word," Xander promised as she slowly climbed off him.

"Oww!" she hissed. "I didn't think I'd be so sore."

"We gave quite a workout to muscles you haven't used before," Xander explained as he sat up and brushed off his back.

"This would go a lot faster if I could find my wand," she said, frustrated at not being able to see.

"I have a lighter in my pants," Xander suggested as he felt around for his clothes.

"Think I found it," she announced. "Now, continue."

Xander covered his eyes as she lit his lighter.

"My wand," she said happily, spotting her wand a few feet away and rushing to get it. "Lumos!"

Xander blinked and let his eyes adapt. His first sight was of Harriet bent over to get her robes with a huge pair of white wings extending from her back … Okay, really his first sight was the proof that she was a natural redhead, but he noticed the wings a few seconds after she straightened up.

"So, back to what you were saying," she encouraged, dressing with one hand as she held her wand aloft with the other, facing away to hide her blush as the light made her realize he could see her now.

"Sex for play is shallow and fun, but sex to show you care or to make someone else happy has the potential to be a lot more. Especially if both partners are doing it for that reason," he explained as he put on his pants and shirt.

"I ..." she sighed. "I didn't even bother to see if you enjoyed yourself. You must think I'm terrible."

Xander laughed as he put on his shoes. "Guys have it easier than girls, unless you say stop we always enjoy ourselves."

"I said no entry in the rear ..." She winced. "I suppose..."

"Completely not what I meant," he assured her. "That was just a joke. I'm not into that sort of thing, I'll stick to what we were doing earlier and oral by preference."

"I haven't tried oral," she admitted, straightening her robe, wings absent once more.

"It's fun and adds variety, now let's see that snake," Xander said cheerfully.

"Okay," Harriet replied and led the way out of the entryway and into the partially collapsed tunnel.

Crawling through a gap in the boulders she quickly lit her wand so Xander could see what he was doing, as it was a bit more difficult for him to get his much larger frame through.

Once on the other side she helped him to his feet and he got his first look at the giant snake. "Damn!" Xander exclaimed. "You certainly go for the big ones."

Harriet frowned. "There's a penis joke in there, isn't there?"

"Give it a few seconds and it'll come to you," Xander teased, not having meant anything by his earlier comment but unable to resist making one now.

The red haired witch groaned. "I get more than enough jokes about tonkers from my godfather and his infinite supply of Peter jokes."

Xander laughed. "I'll be good."

They approached the mammoth snake cautiously as if it would suddenly return to life and attack them and the lack of decay made that seem possible, if not likely.

"How old were you when you had to fight this?"

"I was twelve, but it's not like I had a choice, Ginny was down here dying and someone had to save her."

Xander grinned. "Spoken like a true hero." He pried open the jaws of the snake and examined its fangs.

"I'm not a hero, I just did what anyone in my situation would have done," she protested.

"Which is what a hero would say," Xander replied absently. "Being a hero isn't about being brave and winning the day, it's about not being able to stand aside and do nothing. Sometimes it's just doing simple things that no one else notices and sometimes it's playing chicken with death."

"Oh."

"I need dental pliers, a saw and something to etch teeth with..." Xander mused as he compared the size of his ring finger to some of the smaller fangs.

"What for?" she asked curiously, brushing her hair out of her eyes.

"Because I feel the need to make a bunch of rings."

0oOo0

Everyone looked from the vehicle sitting on top of the water back to Sirius.

"What?" he asked.

"I'd expected you'd choose a motorcycle as an extra form," Remus said, "not …"

"Even I'm a bit surprised at this one," Peter admitted.

"Well I saw this muggle TV show about Mardi Gras," Sirius explained, "and they had a bunch of people on a double decker bus throwing beads to girls on balconies, who'd put on the beads and show their bits."

"Really?" Snape, Remus and Peter chorused.

"Yeah," Sirius said excitedly. "So I figured, odds are we'll hit New Orleans sooner or later, so I figured I oughta be prepared! Thus a double decker bus it was."

Minerva pinched the bridge of her nose, wondering if they'd ever grow up.

"The key is to transfigure the beads to look like streams of real gems, while still obviously fakes," Dumbledore said. "The girls go wild for them."

"Albus!" Minerva scolded him.

0oOo0

"How do you charge them?" Harriet asked curiously as Xander handed her a ring made out of a cross section of basilisk fang.

Xander was using long slow strokes, with what looked like an anemic hacksaw, to cut the fang he had clamped in a padded vice so it wouldn't wiggle and splinter. "I usually stuck them in a jar of holy water over the Hellmouth and let it percolate until dry."

He made one last pull on the saw, cutting through the fang and dropping another ring with runes etched into the interior onto the workbench. "God, I love transmutation!"

"Transfiguration," she corrected him with a grin.

"Whatever you call it, it means making rodent skulls into tables and tools which saves us a lot of time."

She shrugged. "They'll turn back into mouse skulls by midnight. I'm gifted when it comes to mouse skulls for some reason, but permanent transfiguration of complex items still takes a bit too much power to use when you don't have to."

"Well you did a fine job anyway," Xander assured her. "Now come sit in my lap and I'll explain why I used the runes I did and have you charge them, since you are the one who killed yon beasty."

Harriet grinned and quickly climbed into his lap.

0oOo0

"You boys are lucky it turned out as well as it did," Minerva said with a sigh. "The base form is unaffected and the double decker bus is only a bit smaller on the inside than it should be and the two sailing ships appear to be fine, excepting the aura of fear and the warmth they pull from their surroundings."

"We need a proof of concept demonstration," Remus said suddenly. "We need to try it out to make sure it'll work," he explained as everyone turned to him.

"Work?" Minerva asked curiously.

"Ah, yes …" Peter said nervously. "Didn't we say what we were doing all this for?"

Albus scratched his gray bearded chin with his wand. "I don't believe so."

"Sirius," Peter said, gesturing for him to take the floor.

"Ummm … well, it occurred to us that …" Sirius tried to think of what would appeal to the two. "We could weaken the Death Eaters and clear Peter's name without having to hurt anyone by pretending to be myths and legends and putting a bit of a scare into them."

"Really?" Albus asked with a hopeful smile.

"Yeah, but I should probably show you the back seat of the car before I explain the rest."

"Okay, but this sounds an awful like the 'we ran out of gas' line Minny used on me in the fifties," Albus said as he waggled his eyebrows.

Minerva snorted much to everyone's surprise but managed to regain her air of dignity a moment later, making everyone wonder if they'd imagined it. "Lead on Mr. Black, we aren't getting any younger."

Albus seemed to find her comment amusing but just waited patiently while Remus froze the water underneath the car, whose wheels had been sitting atop the water like it was solid ground.

Sirius walked across the ice and opened the back door of the car, stepping inside and waiting for everyone else to join him.

0oOo0

Harriet ran her fingers over the ring, marveling at the way charging it had changed it. It appeared to be made out of silver, tinged with green and had a slippery feel to it, almost like it had scales. "So, what does it do?"

"If I've done the runes right it'll allow you to speak like a snake and provide resistance to poison," Xander replied.

Harriet handed it to him and leaned back against his chest. "I already speak snake so let's see if it works."

Xander put the ring on and rubbed his thumb against it. "Smooth," he hissed in parseltongue.

0oOo0

"After the first century you think you've seen it all," Albus said in wonder, "but its surprises like this that keep me going."

"It's full of stars!" Minerva said in wonder before she and Albus looked at each other and broke up laughing.

"Okay, so here's the plan..." Sirius explained, deciding to get them to agree while they were in a good mood. "Wormtail is hiding behind strong wards and by the time Peter manages to locate him, he's scurried off to hide on another Death Eater's property. As you can see we have more than enough space, and I power, to move Death Eater estates in here. No one gets hurt and Voldemort loses a great deal of financial support as well as any dark items hidden on their property."

Minerva grinned and shook her hair out of its bun, shifting into a dusky skinned Italian woman that had red hair and a rack that had both Padfoot's drooling. "I think the Black Pearl would be perfect for this scheme with a more experienced hand at the helm."

Albus chuckled, his voice deepening as the gray was chased from his beard by a wave of black, his robes splitting as his arms and shoulders grew too wide to contain them. "Been a while since I did any proper pirating, I thought those days long gone."

"Dear, you know if you wait long enough things will always come around again."

"Transfiguration," Penny said suddenly reminding everyone she was there. "You transfigured yourselves into younger people."

Peter and Sirius looked over to Remus.

Remus shrugged. "I can't think of a single rule of transfiguration that says it can't be done if you have the skill and power."

"Eternal youth," Penny said with a smile.

Perenelle Flamel transfigured her clothes into something a lot more fitting for her new frame, black leather boots and pants with an emerald green ruffled silk top that showed off some impressive cleavage. "Self transfiguration requires a great deal of control, that most people can't be bothered with."

The barrel chested Nick Flamel grinned savagely as his own robes became a black captain's jacket and pants. "How many transfiguration masters have you ever heard of?" he asked in a surprisingly deep voice.

"You two are the most recent ones," Remus said thoughtfully.

"There have always been two, a master and an apprentice..." Perenelle said mock gravely, making Nick snicker.

"I've seen masters going back hundreds of years …" Remus trailed off. "Transfiguration, the key to youth... Can you make lead into gold as well?"

"We made up the stone because no one ever believed it was just transfiguration," Nick explained. "Plus it kept people focused on the stone and not us."

"What stone?" Penny asked.

"The Philosopher's Stone," Nick replied. "No one ever believed it just took training and skill to turn lead into gold or make yourself younger and after a few dozen times being tortured for the 'secret' we decided to give them one. Alchemy!"

**AN: Typing by godogma! **


	20. Chapter 20

**Walking in Shadows Chapter 20**

"Everyone buckle up," Perenelle ordered as she stepped off the pier and boarded the double decker bus, sliding into the driver's seat.

"I wanted to pilot it," Nick whined, something everyone found particularly amusing considering what he now looked and sounded like.

"Then who would man the canons?" Perenelle asked with a sultry grin.

"You know me so well dear," he said as he came on board giving her a quick peck on the cheek.

**0oOo0**

"Rings, earrings and bracelets," Harriet said shaking her head. "Why make so much?"

Xander finished the bracelet he was working on and handed it to her. "I have a plan."

Leaning against his chest she channeled magic into the bracelet as she stroked her fingers over it, marveling over the way it changed from a slice of snake dentalia into a smooth piece of ivory jewelry. "And are you going to share this plan?"

Xander grinned. "I thought it up while we were heading down here, you said you've had trouble because you're a parselmouth and it's a rare gift in England usually enjoyed only by the latest Dark Lord. So I thought to myself; self how can I help Harriet and make trouble for the Dark Lord at the same time?"

Harriet giggled. "And?"

"A couple of dozen parselmouths on the side of good should get rid of the dark label and take the focus off you. There is even a necklace in here with your name on it so someone will spot it and everyone will assume it's why you are a parselmouth."

"That's brilliant!"

"Yes, yes it is," Xander said pompously.

Harriet laughed.

"Now let's go see who among the staff wants to hiss like the pros," Xander said with a grin.

"Ummm..." Harriet said realizing she'd forgotten something.

"What?"

"Last time I was flown out of here by a phoenix, we'll probably have to climb up the pipe," she said apologetically.

**Several hours later…**

"It's illegal to make flying carpets," Sprout offered as Xander and Harriet rode in on a leathery scaled carpet both covered in cobwebs and dust.

"It's a crawling carpet made of basilisk skin," Xander explained.

"We didn't have Fawkes with us so we got stuck in the Chamber of Secrets," Harriet explained as they climbed off the carpet. "Xander didn't know how to make a flying carpet but …"

"I can do some interesting things with runes," Xander said, "and having magical materials on hand and enough loose magic floating around to charge it means I can make magical items pretty quickly."

Reaching into the sack Harriet grabbed a handful of rings and passed them out, most of the staff slipping them on as soon as they received them.

"I can sense heat!" Flitwick said excitedly. "You all know I'm part goblin," he explained, "and I've already regretted the fact that I lacked the heat sense of a full blooded goblin."

Harriet raised an eyebrow at Xander.

"Anyone who shares certain traits with snakes will find them enhanced, it's how the poison resistant effect works."

"So these rings make the wearer harder to poison?" Flitwick asked.

"Yeah, that's an intentional side effect of the main use of the ring," Xander agreed.

"What's the main use?" Sprout asked.

"Serpentsortia," Harriet incanted, summoning a large green snake with a wave of her wand.

"Yes mistress?" the snake hissed.

Things got a bit loud as the teachers started hissing at each other in shock and horror.

"I figured I could get rid of some prejudice and annoy the Dark Lord by giving the light side a large batch of parselmouths," Xander explained.

"Yes!" Madame Pomfrey cheered.

"What?" Sprout asked, looking at her in shock.

"There are a number of healing spells that work better when cast in parseltongue," Pomfrey said excitedly. "As well as a few rare spells which are believed to only be possible when cast in a magical language." Seeing everyone staring at her she rolled her eyes. "Why do you think the Caduceus staff has snakes on it?"

**0oOo0**

***Pop!* **

A house elf popped into the dining room dressed in an old faded pillowcase and waited eyes on the ground for the master of the house to acknowledge her.

Lucius Malfoy waited and judged how important the message was by how nervous the house elf was. Normally he'd wait until she'd decided which she'd be punished more harshly for, interrupting the master's meal or failing to deliver a message in a timely manner, but her nervous twitching said the message was much more important than his minor amusements.

"What is it Snippy?"

"Pirates be approaching master!" the elf replied instantly.

"Pirates?" he asked, wondering if the worthless thing had lost what little wits it had.

"Yessir."

Before he could ask anything more there came a sound like thunder and the wards were torn apart, feedback sending him to his knees. Which was lucky for him, because a 15lb cannon ball just missed his head as it ripped through the wall.

Making a quick decision he apparated to a fallback point he'd prepared during the war and remotely activated Draco's emergency portkey.

Draco appeared in what appeared to be a modest guest room with his pants around his ankles and fell over backwards. "What?"

Lucius rolled his eyes, knowing his son had no doubt been amusing himself with his twin sister the squib. Normally he'd give his son a lecture over such behavior as it was a trifle tasteless, but squibs weren't useful for much else until they reached adulthood and could be sacrificed for a slight increase in power of course.

Besides he could hardly throw stones considering the number of muggleborns he'd collected and played with while waiting for their 21st birthdays to boost his own modest core.

"Button up Draco, the mansion was just attacked," he said dryly.

Draco quickly tucked himself away and straightened himself up. "Where's mother?"

"She must not have been wearing her portkey," Lucius lied, thinking of how a new wife might be able to bear him a more powerful son; possibly even two.

Draco snorted. "Useless woman."

Malfoy looked around the room before approaching the floo and starting a fire, happy to see a supply of floo powder was there for emergency purposes.

"Where are we?" Draco asked.

"A safe room," Lucius replied, "it's actually under Diagon Alley, now wait quietly while I find out what's going on."

**0oOo0**

"The blighters have fled!" Snape called out from the crow's nest while waving his cutlass.

The three Marauders laughed as Nicholas and Penny sent another volley of cannonballs, this time completely tearing up the back lawn and demolishing the gazebo.

Perenelle laughed and yelled into a speaking tube, "Nick! Stop firing, we've got other places to hit."

**0oOo0**

"Why a crawling carpet?" Flitwick asked curiously.

"Well, I was making knee pads …" Xander explained and paused when he saw Flitwick give him a disapproving look. Xander pointed out the torn knees of his jeans and the silvery scales underneath the torn cloth. "You have to crawl through a semi-collapsed section of tunnel and it's hard on the knees."

"Sorry," the diminutive Professor had the good grace to apologize.

"Anyway, I thought we'd have to crawl up a pipe, so remembering how apt snakes are at climbing I made us some knee pads and palm straps that would allow us to do it without worrying about falling, but then Harriet mentioned flying carpets and I decided to be completely lazy and make a crawling one."

"How long will the enchantment on it last?" Vectra asked curiously.

"Its permanent," Xander said, "I have no idea how I'd go about making a temporary item."

"Really?"

Harriet smiled as the two quickly got engrossed on a conversation on runes that drew in everyone but Hagrid who waved for her to join him.

"How are ye?" Hagrid asked, already preparing her a heaping platter of food the size of her head.

"I'm great!" she beamed and passed Hagrid a necklace.

Hagrid handed it back and whispered to her, "I'm a beast speaker, it's how I know animals are just being friendly most of the time. It's a gift from my mum so I keep it to myself."

She pushed the necklace back. "This will let you be open on talking to snakes."

"That'd be brilliant," he beamed.

**0oOo0**

"Your turn to fire the cannons love," Nick said coming up from below decks.

She snickered as he rolled fuses into his mustache and beard. "Let's hit the Parkinsons, I've always wanted to blow holes in their greenhouses."

Sirius stared at Nick as he lit the fuses. "There's an old family story about us Blacks being descended from Blackbeard."

"Do you have any idea how many children we've had in over 600 years of marriage?" Nick asked, smoke rising from his beard and sparks flying off the ends of the fuses that never seemed to get any shorter.

"So you're related …" Sirius began.

"To damn near everyone," Nick agreed, "under a variety of names."

"Mansion ho!" Snape called out from the crow's nest as the ship sailed through the clouds. The aura of cold surrounding it creating a light fog that kept it cloaked as Edward Teach sailed it toward the home of yet another Death Eater who had escaped prosecution.

"Is this why you spend so much time and effort trying to redeem everyone?" Sirius asked, "because we're all your children?"

"Son, in 600 years I've learned and seen things you wouldn't believe. I've seen a Dark Lord when faced with the death of a butterfly turn from his path and become a healer and I've seen the most peaceful man have one bad day and turn into a psychotic killer. I've learned that it's not over even after the fat lady sings because her voice echoes in eternity and that sometimes it's too late to apologize even before you do the thing you need to apologize for. I became Dumbledore in an attempt to show people the right path and lead them to the Light; but at heart I'm Nicholas Flamel a man who follows the adage 'fool me once shame on me, fool me twice and I'll dye my shirt red with your hearts blood before sacking your land and having my way with your womenfolk.'"

"Ahem!" came Perenelle's voice from the speaking tube next to the wheel.

"I mean, we'll have our way with your women folk!" Nick corrected himself.

"Broomsticks inbound!" Snape called down.

The cannons boomed and shattered both wards and greenhouse windows, to much cackling below decks.

Peter waved his wand and sighed. "Not here either."

There was a thump as Snape swung down on a line and hit the deck.

"Damn but that looked cool," the Padfoots chorused.

Snape stood proudly, a cutlass on his hip and a black scarf wrapped around his head to keep his hair out of the way. "We got a wave of aurors on brooms inbound and I believe they brought dementors."

"Best get below decks," Nick told Snape, "we don't need you getting spotted and orders for your arrest passed out."

"Aye aye captain!" Snape said, saluting with his cutlass before turning to walk off and hissing. "Landing on the deck may look cool, but it's murder on my knees."

"What should we do?" the two chorused after they'd finished laughing.

"Have you two mastered turning into grims or are you just dogs?" Nick asked as the guns boomed and aurors had to port out as grapeshot tore their brooms to bits.

"You can't turn into a magical animal," they protested.

Nick laughed loudly, drowning out the firing of the guns as he spun the wheel and sent the ship directly toward the dementors. "Mages are magical animals so why should changing into another be impossible?"

**0oOo0**

"Where are Padfoot and the Professors?" Xander asked as they finished dinner.

"I believe they said something about a test flight," Hagrid said.

"Why didn't they get us?" Xander asked. Harriet leaned over and whispered something in his ear. "Well I hope they have fun, see you all in the morning!"

Harriet led Xander off. "Night everyone!"

"It's nice to see her looking so strong and happy," Hagrid said after they'd left.

"It is isn't it?" Flitwick agreed.

"A couple of treatments like she's getting and I'd be glowing too," Madame Pomfrey said causing laughter from the women at the table and blushes from the men.

**0oOo0**

Dementors fled, despite being ordered to attack, the grisly remains of several of their number scattered about the deck as the hyena like laughs of a pair of grims chased after them.

The guns fell silent as the mansion and surrounding lands were emptied of aurors and dementors, vanishing a few seconds later.

**AN: Typing by Godogma! **


	21. Chapter 21

**Walking in Shadows Chapter 21**

Harriet awoke in Xander's arms, feeling immensely satisfied with the turns her life had taken for once. Opening her eyes she found herself looking into the curious faces of Ginny and Luna. "Eeep!" She immediately burrowed under the covers waking Xander.

"Let me get a shower first honey," he muttered half awake.

Naturally she bit him.

"Oww!" Xander yelped leaping out of bed, naked and with part of him clearly disagreeing with the words that had come out of his mouth.

"Wow," Ginny said, clearly torn between looking at the uncovered Harriet and examining the nude newcomer.

"How in the world did it fit?" Luna asked curiously.

The two teens froze for a moment.

"I … where are my clothes?" Xander asked.

"I believe they're all scattered between here and the stairs," Luna offered.

"I'll go collect them," Xander said.

"Ummm." Harriet frowned, unable to think of what to say but not wanting him to leave.

"I'll get our clothes and then I believe someone promised to wash my back," Xander reminded her.

Harriet's smile was quickly followed by a flash of light. "Luna are you taking nude pictures of me?" Harriet asked in shock.

"Just your head," Luna replied while messing with the camera, "full body nudes require a lot of preparation so you can look your best, but head shots of naked people make them look more open somehow."

"When did you two get here?" Harriet asked, trying desperately to change the subject.

"We stayed over," Luna said. "I stayed because daddy's gone out of country on a story and Ginny stayed to keep me company."

"You guys kept us up a bit late, but it was fairly instructive," Ginny mused.

"Instructive?" Harried asked paling.

"The bit where he explained oral to you and what he liked," Luna confided sitting on a bed.

"And the bit where you were giving him directions for discovering what you like," Ginny added.

Xander had chosen that moment to return, his arms full of clothing. "So we were so wrapped up in one another we didn't even note the room was occupied?" he asked.

"That or Harriet was showing off, though she never struck me as the type," Luna said thoughtfully.

Harriet groaned and buried her head underneath her pillow.

"Could you explain some things to me?" Luna asked hopefully.

"If I can," Xander agreed, his nudity forgotten.

"Well," Luna asked shyly, "what does it mean when ..."

**0oOo0**

"I think we're done," Nick said as the group watched the sun rise from atop the clouds, as the ship sailed the sky.

"I got Wormtail!" Peter said, holding up a cage containing a rat with a silver paw.

"I got a splinter," Sirius whined, making everyone roll their eyes.

"Definitely done," Snape said solemnly before letting out a loud belch, "someone drank all the rum."

**THUD!**

Nick looked at the passed out potions master fondly. "That's my boy."

Perenelle chuckled. "And we've run out of Death Eater estates."

"Not to mention I'm pretty sure that the guy without a nose was the big bad," Penny added.

"Grapeshot load made a mess of him," Perenelle said proudly.

"Let the bastard float around without a body for another decade," Nick said, "gives me plenty of time to prepare a prison for him."

"Prison?" Penny asked.

"He's not the first immortal unkillable we've run across," Perenelle said. "It's too much of a hassle to hunt down their soul anchors, so we generally just imprison them in an accelerated time field and wait until they're so bored they'd prefer death and then ask where they are."

"Entrapping them in a gem and tossing them through the veil of death works," Nick said, "but that takes all the fun out of it."

**0oOo0**

Narcissa Malfoy cursed being forced to marry Lucius once more, as she crept out of the safe room waving at Lillian to stay behind.

The pop of a house elf appearing almost gave her a heart attack. "We is almost done repairing pirate damage mistress," the nobby green creature told her.

"Where are Lucius and Draco?" she asked putting away her wand.

"We elves is not sensing them."

"Dead?" she asked, not sure if she should be happy or sad.

The elf shook its head. "Away, away, away."

"Prepare breakfast," she ordered before calling out, "Lillian we appear to be safe."

A young lady, who resembled her mother enough to be mistaken for her twin if their ages had been closer, timidly came out. "The pirates are gone?"

"It seems that way," she agreed. A small part of her hoped Draco was killed during the attack as she took in the bruises her daughter was unable to conceal.

"I'd best go wait in his room," Lillian said haltingly as she turned and walked down the richly decorated halls of her cage.

Narcissa almost reached out to her, but knowledge of her daughter's eventual fate stilled her hand. Turning she walked to the fireplace and tried to fire call the Minister, and then the Ministry, and finally the Three Broomsticks, all to no avail... apparently the floo had been knocked offline.

Sighing she walked down to the foyer so she could apparate to the Ministry as well as put in a work order to get the floo fixed, but her attempts to apparate did nothing more than leave her tired and gasping for breath. It was as if she'd tried to apparate across the sea, rather than an anti-apparition ward so she didn't panic.

Narcissa wasn't going to let a little thing like the floo being out and her inability to apparate stop her. Taking a moment to catch her breath she fetched a broom from the hall closet and stepped outside. Sitting sidesaddle she surveyed the manor and the grounds from the air. The elves had done their typical job; meaning everything looked as if they'd never been attacked.

Gaining altitude she shot forward and almost lost control as she passed the manor's ward line and the sky turned black as night. Freezing in atavistic terror she shakily flew back toward her home, welcoming the warmth and light of the manor as she entered its bubble.

When she was a child she had been told the Blacks named their children after stars so they'd remember where they came from and from the looks of things someone had returned them there.

She shakily put away the broom and wondered what she should do next.

**POP! **

"What should Letty be doing about guests down in cells?" the little brown elf asked.

"Set extra plates for breakfast," Narcissa replied absently, thanking the gods the manor had a wine cellar big enough to drown her sorrows until the suckers grew gills.

**0oOo0**

"Seems a shame we got all the rich Death Eaters already," Nicholas said with a sigh.

"Got any rich crooked politicians?" Penny asked.

"At least half a dozen worth looting," he replied, beginning to grin.

"What do you say - " Perenelle began and then sighed as she saw they were the only ones awake as both Padfoots and even Wormtail were passed out.

"I'll handle the cannons," Penny said, "you two take care of topside."

"Let's start with Fudge," Nicholas said with an evil grin.

**0oOo0**

Luna had quite a few questions and it took nearly half an hour for the two to get away to take their shower.

The steam in the shower room obscured what they were doing even as the sound was magnified and echoed back.

"Wish I'd met you years ago," Harried panted when they stopped for a breather.

"I'm pretty sure if we were doing this even a couple of months ago I'd be in jail now."

Harriet laughed. "Maybe."

"I doubt her aunt or uncle would have pressed charges," Luna offered.

"Luna?" Harriet asked.

"Yes?" came Luna's voice from the left.

"Why are you here?"

"You know I always shower in the morning at the same time you and Ginny do," the blonde replied.

"Ginny?" Harriet asked.

"Hold on, I've got soap in my eyes," Ginny called out from the other side. "Damn, dropped the soap!" the red headed witch cursed. "Hold up."

"Oww!" Xander and Ginny hissed.

"Something poked me in the eye!" Ginny complained.

"You've got three guesses and the first two don't count," Xander said.

The steam was swept away a few seconds later, by a few flaps of Harriet's wings Xander saw.

Ginny had a hand over her left eye. "Sorry about that."

"It's okay," Xander replied.

"And why did you feel the need to follow me into the showers today?" Harriet asked Luna with a mild glare.

Luna stood not more than six inches away, a pair of tattered gray moth wings fluttering behind her. "I … he's a traveler," Luna said timidly, "I don't want him to take you away from me."

"Oh Luna," Harriet said wrapping her arms and wings around the smaller girl. "I'm not going anywhere."

"Promise?" Luna pleaded.

"I promise," Harriet swore, holding her tight. After a few seconds she asked, "Are you playing with my bum?"

"He seemed to get a great deal of pleasure out of doing so, so I thought I'd try," Luna replied.

Harriet chuckled and released Luna, whose wings were a bit less tattered and had faint traces of orange and black now.

"And you Ginny?"

The younger redhead shrugged, her large blue wings shedding a few feathers from a tear in one. "I just came along to masturbate while you two were going at it."

"That actually surprises me less than it should," Harriet said. "Well much as I enjoy your company, I think we should be dressed for hanging out rather than naked."

"Seconded," Xander said before Harriet pulled him toward the door. "You two finish up and we'll meet you downstairs to go to breakfast."

As the two were leaving, Ginny asked Luna, "So, was playing with her ass fun?"

"It sets off some very nice tingles!" Luna chimed brightly.

"I thought so," Ginny said, "and now I can finish."

The door closed behind them.

"Sorry about that, usually they're not so ..." she searched for a word.

"Concerned for a friend they love dearly?" Xander asked.

"I was going to say bisexual horn dogs, but yeah," Harriet admitted.

"If they weren't underage I'd be making all sorts of inappropriate comments," Xander said, "but since they are I'll limit myself to saying you're lucky to have them."

"Yes I am, and I know it too," she replied as they dried off and got dressed.

Xander wondered about the wings, but since he only saw them in intimate moments he decided not to ask, in case it was something private.

**0oOo0**

Xander's car landed smoothly in front of the great hall disgorging its load of disheveled passengers.

Dumbledore and Minerva entered looking much better than the hung over and disheveled group that followed them in.

"Hey Padfoot," Xander called out from where he sat, sandwiched by redheads and eating lunch while answering the many strange questions the blonde girl asked.

"Shhh!" hissed the hung over wizards following the two staff members. The staff hissed back a half dozen responses in parseltongue.

"Did we skip worlds again?" Sirius asked, obviously confused.

"Nah, me and Harriet made everyone jewelry that allows them to speak parseltongue," Xander explained.

"You did most of the work," Harriet said.

"You killed the beast, made the tools, and charged the items," Xander said, "I think that gives you a lot more credit for making the items than my doing prep work."

"Fine, my brute strength and your stunning intellect," she teased.

"If I'm the brains of this outfit we're all in trouble," Xander replied as they all broke out in laughter.

"If Tommy boy still had a body he'd go spare," Snape said leaning on a Padfoot.

"We had a bit too much to drink and kinda offed your Dark Lord, sorry," Sirius apologized.

"Is he gone for good?" Harriet asked hopefully.

"Close enough that I can handle the rest like I did the last one," Dumbledore promised.

"And we got Wormtail!" Peter said holding up a cage. "So, you never have to see any Dursley ever again."

Harriet squealed, making the previously drunken wizards collapse to the floor and moan in pain, before grabbing Xander where upon she nearly sucked out one of his fillings. "Bed now!" she ordered.

Xander leapt to his feet and strode off, carrying her and after a couple of seconds Ginny and Luna hurried after them.

"Good pair of lungs on that girl," Sirius mused from the floor.

"And did you see the way she was confident and take charge?" Snape asked proudly from somewhere behind him.

"We've raised a great girl," Peter said.

"Who got stuck teaching her the contraceptive charm?" Sirius asked, figuring there would be a funny story behind it.

"Peter," Snape said just as Peter said, "Snape."

"Oops," Sirius laughed. "Well … maybe they can't cross breed?"

"Cross breed?" Dumbledore asked.

"He's not a wizard or a muggle," Sirius replied, "he's a good bloke and strong as Hagrid though in addition to being skilled with runes."

"He seems to heal the mind of people he's in contact with," Snape offered as he crawled underneath one of the house tables to escape the sunlight.

"Heals with a touch, enormous strength, good with runes but appears human," Remus said thoughtfully.

"I'm thinking Vanir, Norse pantheon," Dumbledore said after a minute.

"Dad's also known as the One Who Sees," Penny offered cheerfully.

"Odin's get," Minerva said. "Merlin was rumored to be of his line, though he never came right out and admitted it."

"I don't suppose you'd know?" Dumbledore asked Penny.

"Mama Anya always said he was a viking in the sack and she was married to a viking a millenia ago, before she turned him into a troll. Dad … has always been dad, encouraging people and getting into trouble."

"Sounds like Odin to me," Sirius said cheerfully. "Hope you like changing nappies Padfoot."

"How did Ginny get a black eye?" Minerva asked changing the subject.

**0oOo0**

A couple of house elves examined the car and the large amount of space inside it, noting all the cleaning that needed to be done with something akin to religious awe.

Nearly two thirds of the Hogwarts elves vanished into the back seat of Xander's car, leaving the remaining elves with roughly three times the amount of work to do as normal.

And there was much rejoicing.

**The next night … **

"So car, double decker bus and two wooden sailing ships that'll scare the piss out of everyone?" Xander asked, making sure he had it right.

"Yep and Dumbledore says there's some magic about the car that allows it to pass through the walls of reality, so you're right it is the car."

"What controls it?"

"No idea, maybe it listens when we talk?" Sirius guessed.

"You may have something there," Xander said, recalling how they arrived.

"The ships turned out almost perfectly."

"Except for the evil fear inducing fog," Xander said.

"Nah, I consider that a bonus," Sirius said proudly, "the problem is the Captain's quarters."

"What about them?" Xander asked.

"Well we planned the design so the back seat would be down where the bilge was, when we're in ship form and the ships interior spaces would be in the glove box, when it was a car but …"

"But what?"

"I kinda misplaced the decimal so the captain's quarters are ten times the size I had planned. Makes me feel like a cartoon mouse in there."

Xander laughed. "Build a ladder so I can reach the bed and it'll be fine."

"I think that's about all I have to share," Sirius said.

"What about Penny's castle?"

"You already know about that," he waved it off, "it's in place and Penny's looking pretty happy; you're just looking for an excuse to stick around."

"I know," Xander admitted, "and if I didn't have to rescue my other daughters I would, but I'd never forgive myself if I let them get eaten by zombies."

"You should go," Harriet told him, pulling back the hood of her invisibility cloak.

"Snuck out?" Sirius asked.

"Yeah, but it probably only gave me a slight head start, so unless you want teary eyed farewells I'd leave now," she said giving Xander a hug.

"Okay," Xander said softly, giving her a kiss and forcing himself to get in the car.

Sirius hopped in. "Hit it."

As they drove off Xander saw Harriet watching them leave in the rear view mirror where she was quickly joined by Luna and Ginny, all three waving, large healthy wings fanned out behind them.

**AN: Typing by godogma.**

**AN2: No I don't know what the hell was up with the wings.**


	22. Chapter 22

**Time Lord - Rose**

"I could do with a breather," Rose said. "Let's go to some place where absolutely nothing happens and laze about drinking tea."

"Absolutely nothing?" The Doctor asked with a grin.

"Yes," Rose replied with a firm nod. "No running or screaming, just a peaceful afternoon and some tea."

"I just happen to know of a meadow where absolutely nothing ever happens," The Doctor said with a glint in his eye.

"A meadow?" Rose asked curiously.

"A meadow," he agreed nonchalantly.

"Nothing special about it?" she asked.

"Got an apple tree in it."

"Regular, garden variety apple tree?"

"It has a nice tree swing on it."

"And, nothing important or exciting ever happens there?" she asked doubtfully.

"Not in the entirety of human history," he promised. "In fact, the only interesting thing about it is the fact that nothing is interesting about it."

"Then, why do you know about it?" she asked. "I mean, you specialize in interesting and important."

"Because I fibbed a bit, one interesting thing happened."

"Yes?"

"The entire meadow, for no reason I can find, vanishes one day leaving a hole in the landscape."

"And you've never bothered to find out why?" Rose asked in shock.

"Nah, it's a complete mystery," he said, inordinately pleased with himself. "I've done everything but show up there when it vanishes, and there's not a hint it's going to happen or a clue what happened afterwards."

"You have no idea? You, Mr. Seen Everything?" she asked in shock.

"Exactly," he agreed. "And, I haven't seen everything, just lots of things, but this has me stumped."

"And, yet you haven't gone to see?"

"I was saving it for a special occasion," he replied nonchalantly.

"We could have a spot of tea," Rose said slowly.

"Yep," he agreed cheerfully.

"And then together, see something you've never seen before," Rose said in wonder.

"If you like," he said casually, trying not to grin.

"Let's do it!"

* * *

Xander brought the car to a stop. "Pit stop!" he announced and opened the door, grinning as Padfoot scrambled across his lap.

"Don't knock over the kettle!" a female voice ordered from outside.

Xander hopped out of the car and was surprised to find a young couple heating a kettle over a small fire next to a blue police box. "I could've sworn that wasn't here a minute ago."

"Try a minute and thirty-six seconds," the man offered.

"Did you just fly a car?" the woman asked intently.

"If I said no, I would be lying," Xander admitted.

"Time has no grip on you," the man said suddenly. "I mean, your dog ages slowly, but you don't age at all."

Xander looked at the man and laughed, finally realizing why they looked so familiar. "I don't lord it over time and time doesn't lord it over me."

The man grinned. "I'm The Doctor. Who might you be?"

"I am...Xander," he said after a momentary pause. "Any titles I've been given are generally from people I dislike, except King of the Cretins."

"And, I'm Rose," the woman with the strong jaw quickly interjected.

"I know," Xander assured her. "The dog's name is Padfoot, though he goes by Sirius when he's walking on two legs."

"Does he do that a lot?" Rose asked. "Walk on two legs I mean."

"A lot more since he started dating my daughter," Xander said thoughtfully.

"How old's you daughter?" Rose asked, putting aside her dating habit's and wondering how old his daughter could be since he looked about eighteen.

"About the same age as me, I think maybe a little older," Xander replied.

"So, why here?" Rose asked, hoping for a more comprehensible answer.

"Looked quiet and has a tree, Padfoot could pee on," Xander replied, leaving out the fact that he planned on using it himself.

"Couldn't use the lavatory in your TARDIS?" Rose asked, pegging him as a possible Time Lord.

"I don't have a TARDIS," Xander replied. "I have a heavily modified 1973 Chevy Nova."

"Can I have a look at it?" The Doctor asked excitedly.

"Go right ahead," Xander said.

The Doctor whipped out a pen-like device that let off a high pitched whine that made Padfoot growl. "Sorry," The Doctor said absently, making a quick adjustment before waving it over the car looking positively enthralled.

"So, you don't have a bathroom on it?" Rose asked doubtfully.

"It's probably hard to reach the bathroom while traveling," The Doctor said distractedly.

"Pretty much," Xander agreed. "I mean, it's a bit of a walk."

"How far a walk could it be?" Rose asked.

Xander stifled a grin and opened the passenger side rear door. "Have a look," he suggested, stepping inside.

Rose and The Doctor followed Xander inside, both freezing in shock once they got a good look at what appeared to be the night sky glimmering with stars.

"There are plenty of restrooms, but none nearby," Xander said.

The Doctor recovered and was scanning everything, looking as if he didn't know whether to be amazed or horrified. "There are bits of other realities in here," he said.

"Picked up some odds and ends from an empty Earth or two," Xander explained. "And, I believe Padfoot seized the homes of a bunch of criminals."

"I...think I could use some tea," The Doctor said, obviously deep in thought.

"Yeah," Rose agreed absently.

Stepping out of the eternal night in the back seat of Xander's car, they found the kettle had been replaced by a complete silver tea set with biscuits on a small table next to the fire.

"It wasn't like that before," Rose said.

"Just Padfoot being polite," Xander said.

Excitement glimmered in The Doctor's eyes. "Thank you, Padfoot."

Padfoot barked once and went back to sniffing the ground as he hunted something in the grass.

The Doctor opened the door to the TARDIS. "Bathroom is third door down the hall on your right. Remember, leave the seat up or Rose gets upset."

Rose smacked the dark-haired man on the shoulder as Xander hurried into the TARDIS. "Don't tell him that!"

"Well, I'm not putting up with your sulking over it," The Doctor defended himself as Xander hurried inside.

"Ok, he's in the loo, what's going on?" Rose demanded. "I mean, I've seen some amazing things with you, but I've never seen anything like that!"

"I have no idea!" he replied excitedly. "From the readings, I'd say he travels realities like the TARDIS does time."

"What is he?"

"A very lazy creator?" The Doctor guessed.

"Are you saying he's God?" Rose asked in shock.

"Different concept, I think. I'm saying he is creating an entire universe, but cribbing notes from what others have already worked out."

"I'm not sure if that is more or less of a shock," Rose said numbly.

"Well, have some tea, that always helps me," he suggested, pouring her a cup.

Rose accepted the cup and took a sip. 'Oh, this is good," she said with some surprise, "Do you suppose his dog really made it?"

"My pal K-9 was able to do a lot of things in his prime."

"Yes, but he was a robot."

"One I built," he agreed. "Now, imagine the resources and tools available to a...Reality Lord and tell me what he could build."

"I have no idea," Rose admitted after a minute of quiet thought.

"Neither do I," The Doctor said with a wide smile.

Xander came out of the TARDIS whistling a song that sounded vaguely familiar. "Thanks, I really should see about putting a more convenient bathroom in, but I've been a bit busy."

"I know how that is," The Doctor admitted. "Seeing the sights, seeing the people, and running around."

"Exactly," Xander agreed.

Padfoot stuck his head out of the passenger side window and barked impatiently.

Xander chuckled and looked around the field, noticing the familiar four statues, Padfoot always used to mark boundaries. "Well, unless you'd like to join us in our travels, I'd suggest moving outside the perimeter of the four statues, Padfoot put up. I think he's decided to keep this place as a restroom. I'd have loved to talk to you longer, but he's probably got them set to go off on a timer. So, bye!"

The two hurried into the TARDIS while Xander quickly hopped in his car and took flight.

"Hell of a thing to blame on the dog," Rose said.

"They do like to dig holes in the scenery," The Doctor said with a grin. "And, we'd better go before we start jumping into the great beyond."

"Not up to traveling to places you never dreamed existed, witnessing things that redefine what you know about reality?" she asked curiously.

He turned to look at her.

"It's basically what I agreed to do with you, the moment I stepped aboard the TARDIS," she said with a smirk.

"You...are one incredibly brave woman Rose," he said seriously. "I've never denied that. You are remarkable among a species that is known for producing remarkable people. I don't know that I have your courage."

* * *

"So, what was the rush?" Xander asked.

"Timer was running down," Sirius replied. Spotting a touch of blue far below as they headed for England proper, he couldn't help but add, "Nice of them to let you use their porta-john, but I set up the wards when I saw the tire swing, cause I always wanted one."

"You have no idea who The Doctor is, do you?" Xander asked.

"Doctor Who?" Sirius replied, looking confused.

Xander laughed. "Never mind, not important."

**AN: Typing by Lucilla!**


End file.
